The Casual Ramblings of a Crazy Mind
by angel-castiel-rules-the-world
Summary: Castiel Novak is a psychiatrist who specialised in helping those dealing with addiction. Dean Winchester is an alcoholic trying to get clean. This is the story of how over the course of their meetings their relationship goes from professional to friendship, and the realisation that that friendship could become even more. Human AU. Destiel. Slow burn.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello people. I know I shouldn't be starting yet another story, but I blame Louden Swain as I got this idea while listening to their album Sky Alive, which is fantastic, just saying. So blame Rob Benedict.**

 **Anyway this may touch on sensitive subjects throughout the course of the story. These will probably include things relating to depression, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, and probably other things as well. But it will as always with my stories have a happy ending when I get to it.**

 **So on with the first chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Psychiatrist, Dr Castiel Novak sat in his office in his comfortable chair waiting for his 2 o'clock appointment to arrive. Checking his watch he noticed the man was already five minutes late, not that he minded. It was the man's first session, he was bound to be somewhat wary about it. In fact fifty percent of Castiel's patient's never even turned up the first time. That was the piece you pay for choosing his specific field. You see he specialised in helping those with addictions overcome them through therapy, of course it didn't work for everyone, but those who were open to the idea and wished to learn how to manage their illness usually got something from the experience. Finding the root cause of their addiction and fighting that rather than just the symptoms of the problem.

At ten past his door burst open and in walked a confidant man. He had short blond hair and startling green eyes, but it was his aura, the air he gave off, that pulled Castiel up. This was not a man who would accept molly coddling. Every patient was different, and Castiel had learnt long ago to appraise a person at a glance. And one glance at this man and he knew that if you pasted him on the street, saw him in a bar, you would never think he had a problem. He gave of an air of being able to take anything the world threw at him, and when he smiled at Castiel he realised he also had the ability to charm any one to his point of view. For a man like this to admit he had a problem was an achievement in itself, let alone then seek help dealing with it. His sessions with this man, Dean Winchester his notes said, would be a strange game of give and take, as well as a tight rope walk through the emotional landscape. The idea appealed to Castiel. It had been a long time since he had had a challenge like the one the man in front of him presented.

All these thoughts crossed Castiel mind in the split second it took Dean to enter the room and turn to him with a smile.

"Sorry I'm late doc, got held up at work." He said at his most charming, hoping the other man wouldn't see through his mask.

At that sentence Castiel tilted his head at the man. He did not like being lied to, it was pointless and a waste of time.

"Mr Winchester, please sit." Castiel said gesturing to the chair across from him. Once his patient had done so he spoke again.

"I have only one rule. In this room, there are no lies." He said in a pleasant but firm tone. He needed to make sure that this man saw him as an equal or he would never give him his trust.

"So what you going to be honest with me?" Dean asked in disbelief. I mean really? This guy was going to tell him all his deepest darkest secrets just as Dean would be sharing his?

"Yes, always. How about you try being so with me?" Castiel replied with complete sincerity. The game had already begun, but he was ready for it.

"What you talking about?" Dean asked aggressively, going defence as an automatic reflex.

"How about you tell me the real reason you are late?" Castiel suggested calmly, not rising to Deans slightly aggressive tone.

"I've been sitting in my car in the parking lot for the last fifteen minutes trying to decide if I was going to get out of it or drive away." Dean replied after a minute of sitting there studying the man across from him. He was here to get help, he should probably comply with the docs wishes, for now at least.

"Why did you choose to get out?" Castiel asked in a conversational tone as if the answer was of no import to him.

"Cos it's what Sammy would want me to do." Dean replied completely honestly. After all Sam was the reason he was here. In a roundabout way at any rate.

"And who is Sammy?" Castiel asked smiling at the warmth Dean had in his voice when he said the name.

"My little bro. he hates it when I call him that." Dean replied with a chuckle as he imagined his brothers face if he could here this conversation.

"Why?" Castiel asked relaxing into the conversation about Dean's brother. It seemed a topic this man was happy to discuss, and it was always good to make your clients feel comfortable to start with.

"He claims Sammy is a chubby 12 year old. But he'll always be my Sammy." Dean replied with a shrug. It was the truth, he would always see his brother as the lost little boy he had raised, despite being only four years older than him. Someone had to take care of the kid after all.

"Is it your brother who booked you these sessions?" Castiel asked, because he really was wondering about that. Dean seemed to fit into the type who would have a family member who had made them come and see him. They rarely accepted they had a problem themselves after all. And while he tried not to take such clients, he still got the occasional one, and they were always doomed to failure.

"No, I did that." Dean replied with a self-deprecating smile. He still couldn't believe he had done it. But something had to change, something had to give. And he would do anything for his brother, and so he was seeking the help Sam had wanted him to get. His brother was right after all. He did have a problem, even if he hated admitting it.

"Why?" Castiel asked in a slightly probing voice. He needed to know that Dean was here for the right reasons.

At that Dean turned and looked out of the window. He wanted to say it was because of Sam, that he was here for him. But he knew that wasn't what the doc was looking for, and he also deep down knew that it would be a lie. So taking a deep breath he turned back to the man he had a feeling he was going to be seeing a lot of and spoke.

"Cos I've got a problem doc, and I heard you might just be able to help me with it."

"And what is that problem Mr Winchester?" Castiel asked once more in that penetrating tone of his that compelled Dean to reply.

"It's Dean, and I'm an alcoholic."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello people. Wow, the response to this was awesome considering I had only written one chapter. So I would like to thank IsabellaFaye11 for the lovely review. I would also like to thank all of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean sat in his baby with his hands held so tightly on the steering wheel they had gone white. He had made this appointment, he had decided to do this and yet he couldn't make himself get out of his god damn car. What the hell was wrong with him? Apart from the obvious that was. He was here because he needed to be. Something had to change, if he wanted to have Sammy in his life again, he would have to change. That was the bottom line. The one his brother had drawn on that fateful night.

But, Dean wasn't sure he would be able to do it. That was the problem. He wasn't sure he would succeed, and that was a feeling he hated more than anything else. And usually if he thought there was even the slightly chance he would fail, he wouldn't even try to succeed. So why was he now? Sammy, that was why. Sam. he could still see the look of disgust on his brother's face as he walked out on him. It was a look telling Dean he had failed his brother. And that was something he had never wanted to do. So now he had to let go of the wheel. With that in mind he slowly watched as each finger gradually separated itself from his baby and his hands finally fell to rest in his lap. First battle won. The next thing he had to do was open the door and get out. He could do this. He had a problem, Sam was right. He needed to get this sorted. So taking a deep breath he raised his shaking hand to the door handle and pulled. But when the door was open he just sat there.

He couldn't do this. Was he crazy? He couldn't tell all his problems to a stranger, he was Dean freaking Winchester he could deal on his own. But then the image of his brother's face appeared once more in his mind and he knew that he had to do this. He had to show Sammy that he was trying. Taking another deep breath he put one foot outside the car and then the other. He then pulled himself out and shut the door in one smooth action. He may be having second, third and fourth doubts about what he was doing, but he would do it. That was his goal for today. He would go up to that office and meet this doctor who was supposed to be the best at helping people with… his particular problem. With that thought he threw his shoulders back and locked the car before marching to the door. He was going to do this.

That mentality got him up the stairs to the office, and into the room with Dr Castiel Novak, who he had to say wasn't what he had been expecting. He thought the guy would be all simpering and sympathetic and making him talk about his feelings and shit like that, but instead he had told Dean not to lie to him and talked to him as if he was a normal human. Not the freak who couldn't control himself that Dean knew he was.

And so when the doc had asked him about his problem he had said the words for the first time in his life. Trying to make the doc realise just what a messed up head case he truly was.

"It's Dean, and I'm an alcoholic."

But the words didn't get the response he thought they would. Instead of the disgusted look he expected he saw a proud looking smile on the man's face.

"And I'm Castiel." Was all the doc said. I mean really? That was it?

"Hey Cas." He said hoping that if he abbreviated the docs name it would get the reaction he expected. But all that got him was the man opposite him tilting his head and studying him before he smiled.

"Cas. I like it." the doc replied making Dean frown. He knew he was here for 'treatment' and all that crap, but this really wasn't how he had expected it to go. Hell, he even found himself relaxing in this guy's presence, but that was probably a good thing right? He was going to help him get Sammy back in his life. That was all he needed to concentrate on, his final goal.

"So Dean, tell me. Why do you want to stop drinking?" Castiel asked leaning back in his chair getting comfortable. It seemed that his latest patient was not so sure of this place, or of him. Even if he had made the appointment himself, something would be pushing this man towards seeking his help.

"Sammy." Dean replied simply. He was not going to go into the in's and out of his turbulent relationship with his brother thank you very much. The doc did not need to know any of that.

"How so?" Castiel asked in that probing voice of his that seemed to compel Dean to answer honestly.

"He… he doesn't like me doing it." Dean finally replied in a whisper, as if he said it quietly enough Cas wouldn't hear it. He also made sure he avoided all forms of eye contact. He was embarrassed that as a grown man he couldn't cope without his brother in his life. It was pathetic.

"And?" Castiel probed further. He could tell that this was a sensitive subject for Dean, but it was he knew that they would probably be spending most of their time on. Looking at Dean's relationship with his family, and his brother seemed to be very important to him.

"He said he wouldn't have me in his life until I stop." Dean replied with a sigh turning to look out of the window as he remembered the conversation, or as much of it as he drink addled mind could remember. The look on his brother's face as he told him he was done with him, that Dean could drink himself into an early grave if he wished but he wasn't coming with him.

"Do you think that's fair Dean?" Castiel asked when he realised the Dean wasn't going to say anything else. In fact by the look in his eyes Castiel would say that Dean wasn't even in the room any more. And that was not good. Dean should not bottle himself up in the painful memories, yes Castiel would have him tell him the details of his and Sammy's conversation, but not now. That was for when Dean was more stable.

"What?" Dean asked turning back the doctor with a frown before he processed what Castiel had asked. "Of course." He answered. Of course Sam's reaction was fair. He was right.

"Is there anything in his life that you don't like?" Castiel pressed on asking. He wanted to gauge this man's personality as well as his relationship with his brother, which so far he had learnt was a close one. Or at least had been until Dean starting drinking.

"No man. He's my little brother, he's got a good job and a family. What couldn't I like about that?" Dean asked completely confused by that question. I mean Sam was, Sam.

"Tell me, who do you think is the most important of the two of you?" Castiel asked, realising something and trying to discover if his hunch was right.

"Sammy, of course." Dean replied without thought. It was obvious to him.

"Of course." Castiel replied with a nod. He was right then. This man had a serious issue with his self-worth, putting his brother before him without a thought. That was something that Castiel was definitely going to have to work on.

"What?" Dean asked brisling. He heard the slight disbelief in doctor's voice and he didn't like it.

"I was just wondering why you felt Sammy was more important than you." Castiel said with an innocent look on his face. He was going to have to carefully watch his words around this man. Dean, it seemed, was a lot more perceptive than he had given him credit for. And no doubt a lot smarter than he let on.

"Cos he is. My job is to look after him." Dean replied with a shrug. He really didn't understand why Castiel was asking him these questions. It had nothing to do with his… problem after all.

"Tell me, do you feel you're doing that job when you're drinking?" Castiel asked directly, seeing how Dean would react to such an approach.

"No." Dean replied simply looking straight at Castiel making the other man smile at him.

"Care to elaborate?" Castiel asked raising his eyebrows.

"No." Dean answered copying Castiel's look to a tee.

"Very well. Is there anything you wish to discuss or ask me?" Castiel asked relaxing back into the chair. He had got all he needed from this initial meeting. He now knew what he would have to make Dean look into, and unsurprisingly it would be starting with his childhood.

"No." Dean answered confused. Why would he have questions, surely the doc was the one who was supposed to be asking them.

"Then I'll see you at our next meeting." Castiel said in a friendly tone smiling at Dean.

"What? that's it?" Dean asked even more confused now. They hadn't talked about, well, anything really.

"What did you expect Dean? For me to pin you down and tell you what you are doing is wrong?" Castiel asked with a chuckle, though you'd be surprised about how many people thought just that the first time they came to see him.

"Well yeah, something like that." Dean replied with a chuckle of his own when he realised just how stupid that idea was.

"This will be nothing like that. But what I will do is give you my number, in case you ever need to talk instead of drinking." Castiel replied pulling out one of his cards and on impulse flipping it over so he could write his mobile number on the back. He rarely gave out his personal contact details, but he felt that this man, and this case, was going to need things out of the ordinary if he was to help.

"Thanks." Dean said taking the card Castiel handed him and looking down at the scribbled number.

"You are welcome Dean. I will see you next week." Castiel returned smiling as Dean stood still looking at the card in his hand.

"Yeah sure, see you then." Dean replied looking up from the card and waving it at Castiel as a farewell. He then walked out of the room and away from the office, and when he found himself in an empty hall, he fell back against the wall and thought for his breath. Yeah okay that certainly was nothing like he had expected but that didn't matter. He had done it. He had gone and seen the therapist and he had admitted his problem.

He pulled out his phone, intending to text Sam and tell him he was getting help but he didn't. Because… what would happen if he failed again? He didn't want his brother to watch him fail. So instead he opened a new contract section and enter Castiel's number into his phone. That done he took a deep breath and pulled himself away from the wall and made his way back down to the parking lot, his head held high and mask firmly back in place.

And Castiel sitting in his office wrote up notes on his meeting with Dean with a frown. This man was definitely going to be a challenge. For while he seemed open in his answers to Castiel questions, he knew that Dean had answered them all practically without any emotions coming to the surface. And that was going to be Castiel's hardest challenge, getting Dean Winchester to let him see behind his mask.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all. I would like to thank IsabellaFaye11 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank all you lovely people who have followed and favoured this story since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **Sorry for the long time in coming with this update, but I now have a chapter plan for this story and everything, yeah. Those of you who read my stories regularly know I have a tendency to write a couple of chapters before I find its feet, so to speak, and work out how it's going to get where I want it to go. But now I know. Which is good.**

 **This chapter is a long one, but I think it lays the foundations for the rest, puts the meat on the bones and all that. So enjoy.**

 **Trigger warnings: This chapter mentions child abuse, non-acceptance, topics of sexuality and of course alcohol abuse.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

A week had gone by. Dean didn't really know where the time had gone, but he had managed to not drink for the most of it. He had had a beer when he went out with his work mates, but it had been only one, so that was something. But now he had to go and talk to the doc again. Castiel. But he could do that right? Surely the second time would be easier than the first right? And he didn't need to mention his indiscretion did he? He reached the door to the doctor's office exactly on time, and taking a deep breath he pushed it open.

* * *

Castiel was once again sitting in his chair when Dean entered the room with a wary look on his face which told Castiel that there was something he didn't want the doctor to know. And he could guess what that was.

"How much?" He asked without preamble as Dean slid into the chair opposite him.

"What?" Dean asked confused.

"How much alcohol have you drunk this week?" Castiel clarified. He guessed barking 'how much?' at someone was rather disorientating.

"I had a beer after work, okay?" Dean replied in a defence tone. As if he was expecting Castiel to berate him for his behaviour.

"Just the one beer?" Castiel asked instead in a calm tone.

"Yeah." Dean replied crossing his arms. He was waiting for the bitchiness that he had failed to start.

"Well I imagine that's progress." Was all Castiel said. He was well aware of what Dean was waiting for and if he expected Castiel to tell him off like a naughty child then Dean would be waiting some time.

"You're not going to get all pissy with me for drinking?" Dean grumbled making Castiel wonder if Dean didn't just expect it, but if he wanted him to get cross with him as well. As if that was what he felt he deserved.

"No one is perfect Dean. People slip up. But what matters is how you respond to the situation." Castiel replied instead trying to show Dean that it was up to him.

"Hu?" Dean asked confused. Just what the hell did that mean?

"How do you feel having failed Dean? How do you feel having had that drink?" Castiel asked in that probing voice of his that Dean was already coming to hate.

"Not great, I guess." Dean grumbled. He hated admitting he was wrong about anything.

"So what are you going to do the next time your in that situation?" Castiel asked once more probing Dean for the truth.

"Hell if I know." Dean replied in his defence tone. He did not come here for this. A lecture he could just shrug off, but this, the probing questions, this he did not like, thank you very much.

"Are you going to drink again?" Castiel asked clearly.

"Probably." Dean replied with a shrug as if to him drinking was no big deal.

"May I make a suggestion?" Castiel asked with the raise of an eyebrow at Dean's reply. He knew it was a defence strategy that his patient activated to try and push people away, but he wouldn't push Castiel away so easily.

"What?" Dean asked belligerently crossing his arms. This was it. The lecture about how drinking was bad and all that shit.

"Next time pick up the phone rather than the bottle." Castiel said simply.

"Oh yeah and who the hell should I call? You?" Dean asked sarcasm lacing his tone of disbelief. He hadn't had the lecture, when would that come?

"If you like. I will always answer." Castiel replied with complete honesty.

"Then you seriously need to get a life." Dean responded with a sneer. I mean really? This guy would take his calls at any time? Who they hell was he? God or something?

"You are probably right on that one. Now in this session I would like to get to know you better." Castiel replied amicably changing the subject from Dean's indiscretion, wrong footing the other man.

"Oh yeah doc? I usually wait til the third date for that." Dean responded with a lude smile. Every defence he had being employed automatically to keep Castiel at arm's reach.

"Tell me of your childhood." Castiel said calmly, he wasn't going to rise to Dean, no matter how much he may try to make him.

"Really? That cliché?" Dean asked in disbelief, because really? His childhood? What did that have to do with anything?

"It's a cliché for a reason Dean. It tells me more about who you are and where you came from." Castiel replied in earnest making Dean looking at him as if he was crazy, or he really didn't have a clue about anything.

"I came from having a mommy and a daddy who loved each other very much." Dean responded in a childish tone. He paid good money for this guy to help him. How was discussing his childhood going to do that? The past was the past, it was done, thank you very much.

"Well that's good." Castiel responded with a smile at Dean confusing the man.

"What?" He asked.

"That your parents loved each other." Castiel explained. He would get Dean talking, even if he had to act the simpleton to do it. He knew what he was about after all. He had done this many times.

"Man, don't you get sarcasm?" Dean asked in his default setting of defence and sarcasm.

"Didn't your parents love each other then?" Castiel asked sincerely just looking at Dean so he felt like he had to answer.

"Yeah they loved each other. Right up to the point where my mom died." Dean responded without thinking. But Castiel jumped on what he had let slip.

"And when was that?" Ae asked conversationally as if they were discussing the weather, it was best not to show Dean how interested he was in any of the answers the man gave him he knew. It was more likely he would tell him then.

"When I was four. Just after Sammy was born." Dean replied after a beat of thinking and deciding that that revealed nothing much.

"And your father? How did he deal with that?" Castiel asked going straight to the point that Dean was trying to stay away from.

"He didn't." Was all he replied. As far as he was concerned that was all the doc needed to know about that.

"What did he do?" Castiel asked once more in that probing voice making Dean want to respond.

"He drank himself to death." He finally muttered. Not that that mattered. His father was dead and gone, he had no bearing on who Dean was now.

"How old were you when he died?" Castiel asked, again going for a question that Dean felt had no significates.

"16." He replied cautiously. He was learning that the careless questions where usually followed by the ones he didn't want to answer. As if Cas was pulling him into a false sense of security.

"So what happened then?" Castiel asked gently. He had a feeling that this answer would explain a lot about Dean Winchester.

"We spent a few months in the system before going to live with our uncle." Dean replied, again having no idea what this was all about.

"And do you still keep in contact with your uncle?" Castiel asked wondering just what sort of support network Dean had. His brother had after all turned his back on him. Did his uncle support him?

"No." Dean replied simply. He did not want to talk about Bobby.

"When did you last see him?" Castiel asked making Dean grit his teeth and reply, however much he didn't want to.

"When I was 18."

"What happened?" Castiel asked again. He was going to get this story out of Dean. There was something there, something that was the root cause of Dean's problem, and he would find it.

"I left." Dean replied simply in a tone as if that was the end of the conversation. Of course Castiel didn't agree with that.

"Why?" He asked probing once more.

"I had my reasons." Dean responded he was not going there, no way in hell was he going there.

"Which were?" Castiel asked again making Dean roll his eyes at him.

"God, you're like a dog with a bone. You know that?" He asked in disbelief in hopes it would deflect the doctor from his investigation.

"Thank you. Why did you leave?" Castiel asked once more. He was not letting go of this one. It was he belief of great importance to Dean's recovery.

"He didn't have enough money to support us both, so I left Sam with him." Dean replied with a shrug though he didn't meet Castiel eyes, making the doctor feel that while Dean may well be telling the truth, he was telling all of it.

"And why don't you keep in contact with him?" He asked, because if it was just money there would be no reason for them to lose contact.

"I guess we just drifted apart." Dean replied turning and looking out of the window making Castiel sigh.

"I thought I told you not to lie to me Dean." He said in a disappointed voice which made Dean clench his teeth together in the hopes of stopping the words from coming out of his mouth. It didn't work.

"It doesn't really matter. I doubt he would want to speak to me away, my dad certainly didn't." he finally ground out, knowing that this was where Castiel had wanted to go all the time. Though it was a place Dean tried everything he could to never visit.

"Why?" Castiel asked gently. They were getting there, getting to the problem he knew.

"Cos I'm gay." Dean stated turning back to him with a challenging look, as if he expected Castiel to toss him out on his ass because of it.

"And you father didn't accept that?" was all Castiel said. He had no issue with Dean's sexuality after all.

"No." Was Dean's one word reply. But that one word held so much feeling Castiel had to know.

"What did he do when you told him?" He asked cautiously, he had a feeling that the answer was not going to be anything good.

"I didn't tell him, he found out." Dean replied through his clenched jaw, looking once more out of the window, though this time not because he was lying but because he didn't want to show any vulnerability.

"Then what happened?" Castiel asked in his relentless voice making Dean reply.

"He beat me half to death. Guess the good thing about his drinking was he passed out before he could finish the job." Dean responded, the bitterness raw in his voice. But there was also a tone of acceptance, as if he dissevered that treatment for who he was. And that was a tone Castiel didn't like.

"And how does Sammy feel about you sexuality?" Castiel asked. He knew Dean's brother was important to him and if he was still talking to him, or at least until his drinking became too much, then he couldn't have a problem with Dean's sexually, surely he showed his brother acceptance.

"He doesn't know." Dean replied with a shrug again as if that was of no consequence, though Castiel knew different. Keeping such a large part of yourself as that hidden from those closet to you would put a strain on anyone. And it could indeed induce someone to drink, but he didn't think that was the whole of Dean's problem.

"Does anyone?" Castiel asked wondering if Dean had ever truly come out.

"Oh a quite a few guys out there are well aware." Dean replied with a flirtatious smirk, his mask snapping back in place at such a speed that it startled Castiel.

"I'm sure. But do any of your friends?" He asked trying to get back to the Dean who was opening up to him a moment ago.

"Hasn't ever really come up in conversation." Dean replied mask still firmly in place as he shrugged off the question.

"And how does that make you feel?" Castiel asked trying to get back to the real Dean he had glimpsed.

"What?" Dean asked confused, cos really? Why should that worry him?

"Your friends not knowing the truth." Castiel explained hoping to find a crack in the Dean Winchester mask.

"What do I care? It doesn't define me doc." Dean replied as if it was as simple as that, even though Castiel knew that it really wasn't, Dean believed it was. But there was still more, there somewhere.

"I know. But surely you would prefer to be honest with them?" He asked hoping Dean would see where he was coming from.

"Honesty's just another lie. Everyone has secrets." Dean's reply was immediate and absolute. He truly believed that.

"Tell me, what was your father like when he was drinking?" Castiel asked trying to see if Dean's relationship with him would tell him why Dean was so cynical about honesty.

"An evil son of a bitch." Dean responded which a shrug as if that was a common occurrence.

"And are you like that when you drink?" Castiel asked, thinking that maybe if Dean felt he was like his father then that would explain his lack of self-worth.

"I wouldn't know, I don't have a kid to use as a punching bag." Dean answered with a sneer at Castiel as if that was supposed to shock the other man.

"But do you get violent when you drink?" Castiel asked instead of going into Dean's obvious abuse as a child. Today's session was to get an overview after all, to see what he was working with here.

"Sometimes." Dean replied with a shrug. It happened right? People got drunk and they got into fights. It was the way of life, right?

"Why?" Castiel asked simply. He then stared at Dean making him answer honestly.

"You can only take the world knocking you down so much before you hit back Cas." Dean replied finally giving in to that penetrating stare. He was here for help, he would have to be honest about his drinking.

"And the other times, what are you like then?" Castiel asked again changing the direction of the conversation.

"Then I drink to forget." Dean replied with a sigh. He had signed up for this, talking about his drinking, that was what he had expected to do when he was here. Screw his childhood. That had nothing to do with who he was.

"Forget what?" Castiel asked tilting his head to side as if he was really interested in Dean's answer.

At that Dean stared out of the window and tried to think of any answer. What was he trying to forget when he drank? So many answers pushed their way into his mind, his worthlessness, how he was dirty, how he wasn't really a man. But there was so much more as well, the fact he was alone, that his mind just wouldn't turn off.

That drinking made him feel, that was a big portion of it. Drinking made him feel. When he was drinking he was no longer numb. Even if it was only pain. But he wasn't about to tell that to the Cas, it would make him sound like a head case.

"Everything." He finally replied instead. Because it was true, in a way.

"Such as?" Castiel asked, trying to get Dean to explain.

"Life? Its shitter parts anyway." Dean responded with a shrug. There were some things this man did not need to know about him after all.

"Do you want to tell me about them?" Castiel asked realising he was taking Dean to the end of his tether.

"No. Not really." Dean replied with a charming smile, switching back to that persona.

"Very well. We'll pick this up next week." Castiel replied. He realised that he was not going to get anything else out of Dean with that smile. His mask was firmly in place.

"I can hardly wait." Dean replied with sarcasm and standing. I mean really? Was this what he was going to have to go through? Because if so, he wasn't sure he wanted to come back. Not with the memories that were pushing into his mind from Castiel questions. Memories he had buried so deep he wasn't sure that he had even remembered them, he certainly hadn't thought of them for years.

"Oh and Dean? Don't forget, day or night, you can call me." Castiel said as the other man started to make his way out of his office.

"What get myself srinked at? No thanks." Dean replied turning back to Castiel with disbelief in his eyes.

"I promise Dean, out of this office I will not shrink you." Castiel responded with a smile for the other man. He had great pain inside him, but at his core, Castiel believed that Dean was the sort of man he would very much like to get to know better. Though he would have to keep it professional. There was a line he would not cross, even for Dean Winchester.

"Yeah right doc. See you next week." Dean replied unaware of the thoughts going through his psychiatrist's mind.

With that he walked out of the office, head held high and made his way to the parking lot and his car.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello all. I would like to thank CaptianAckles and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank all of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean made it to his car this time before the panic at what he had just said and done took a hold of him. His breathing became erratic and he could feel the tears in his eyes. He just needed to get away from this place, away from the doctor who now knew too much. Trying to put the key in the engine of his baby he found his hands were shaking to such an extent he couldn't do it. And the tears in his eyes started to blur his vision of everything in front of him. His hands drop the keys, not that he noticed, no, his hands found their way onto the steering wheel, where he clutched as if his life depended on it. And right then it may well have done.

Because he couldn't stop them anymore. Suddenly his brain was filled with memories and words, all that he had tried so hard to forget. God he wanted a drink, but that would require leaving the car. And that was something that Dean didn't think he could do right then. Not while the words his father and drilled into him screamed in his brain. No, all he could do was sit there and take it all once more, just like he had back then, all those times his father had taught him his lesson.

That he was dirty and pathetic. That no one would ever want anything to do a fag like him. That it was wrong, unnatural. That his mom would be so disappointed in him, that his dad was disappointed in him for his behaviour. That if he didn't fix himself Sam would stop loving him. That if he didn't stop he would be corrupting his brother. That it would be better if he died than remain the way he was. That he should be dead and in hell for his disgusting, filthy, thoughts. That his father would be glad to send him there because he was no son of his.

All these words were accompanied by the remembered feeling of the fist, the belt, the bat, whatever weapon his dad could get his hands on, against his body. Punctuating every sentence so that Dean would learn them. Know them. Live by them.

All the things he had pushed down deep inside the box in his mind and locked away for the last god knows how many years.

Dean didn't hear the passenger door of his car open and close. Nor did he register the man who had got into the car next to him. Or at least he didn't until he felt the gentle touch of a hand on his shoulder. At the touch he flinched, but he didn't move away. It wasn't a violent touch, but a gentle one, a comforting one. Turning to the side he saw his passenger, not that he could speak to him.

* * *

Castiel had been in his office writing up his notes when he had glanced out of his window to see Dean sitting in his car clutching the steering wheel while tears poured down his face. Castiel hadn't thought, he had just moved. Running out of his office and down the stairs and climbing into Dean's car. He needed to be there for the man while he went through this. He had hoped that if Dean was going to break down he would have done it in his office, but it seemed Dean Winchester's mask was better than he knew. He hadn't realised now close Dean had been to breaking after all, if he had he would never have let him go. But he was here now, at his side, and he would stay there until Dean was ready for him to leave.

Dean stared at the doctor next to him without saying a word. The voice of his father was still going through his head, and he could still feel every blow, but they were receding, as if they were a background noise and the only thing that was real was the hand on his shoulder and the man sitting next to him, they grounded him somehow. He clung to that, anything that would help push the memories back where they belonged in there box to never see the light of day again. He clung to the sight of Cas, and pulled strength from his calming presence. A strength which helped him to start take back control of his own mind and body.

"Are you alright Dean?" Castiel asked in a low soothing voice when it seemed as though Dean's breathing was evening out and he was coming back from whatever memory he had just had to relive, though Castiel could guess what it was.

"Just peachy." Dean managed to croak out through his closed throat, did Cas really expect him to be fine right away or something?

"Do you want to talk?" Castiel asked gently. He wouldn't press Dean to do so, but he knew it would help if he did.

"Not really, no." Dean replied with a huffed of disbelief. Of course the doc thought he should talk about this shit.

"Very well." Castiel replied with a smile and he removed his hand from Dean's shoulder. He seemed to be doing better now than he had been when Castiel had stepped into his car.

"Aren't you getting out?" Dean asked when Cas didn't move after removing his hand. I mean Dean was fine now, or at least, he would be fine. Once he got a beer at any rate.

"Not until I know you are okay to drive and won't go to the nearest bar, no." Castiel replied simply. He knew that Dean's first thought would be to go and get drunk, and that would not be a good thing. Drinking was the problem after all, the problem he was supposed to be helping this man overcome.

"You're an asshat you know that?" Dean grumbled at him as he relaxed his hands on the wheel and let the slide down to his lap as he sat back and turned to Cas.

"I've been called worse." Castiel replied with a chuckle at Dean for his choice of insult.

"Yeah I bet you have." Dean responded a smile of his own at the thought of all the things he could call Cas if he really thought about it.

With that silence descended on the two in the car, the only sound being Dean's still slightly elevated breathing. Castiel watched as Dean seemed to visibly calm in front of him. His body relaxing as his breathing slowed. It surprised him how quickly Dean managed to get himself back under control, but maybe it shouldn't have. Dean was that type of man. One of those who would never let down his guard for anyone. One whose mask was so good that even those closest to him took it for reality. Hmm, he would have to remember that for next time.

* * *

Finally Dean's breathing returned to normal and looking at him Castiel could see no difference to the man who had entered his office earlier.

"You good now?" He asked Dean at that point. He felt he probably was.

"Yeah, and you know, thanks." Dean replied turning back to Cas with a genuine smile on his lips making the other man chuckle at him as he responded.

"You are welcome Dean. It was my fault after all."

"True." Dean agreed with a nod and a smirk.

"Be safe Dean, and remember call if you need anything." Castiel said as a parting reminder. He had a feeling that having someone be there for him was something that Dean had never truly had before. And it was something he desperately needed.

"Sure. Now get out of my car." Dean replied with a charming smile for the doctor who returned it.

"I'm gone." Castiel responded as he opened the door and climbed out of the passenger seat. Turning back he watched Dean put the keys in the ignition and start the engine. With a small wave for him, Castiel watched Dean drive out of the parking lot. He hoped the man would be alright, and he hoped that he would call him if he wasn't. Not that he believed he would, but he could hope.

And Dean driving away from the doctor and his office let out a sigh of… something. He wasn't sure what, but it was something. He guessed it had to do with his pussy-little-break down, but he wasn't going to think of that thank you very much. He had embarrassed himself enough in front of Cas. Cas, he really wasn't that bad. At least he hadn't tried any of that huggy crap or pacifying talking. No he had just… well been there for him he guessed. And that, that actually felt okay, in fact he could go so far as to say that it felt kinda good. With that thought Dean drove past all the bars he used to hang out in and drove straight to his home. He didn't need a drink to survive today.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello all. I would like to thank allfandoms3, linusfan13, CaptianAckles and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank all you lovely people who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **I would also like to apologise for the time its taken me to get this to you. I haven't been very well, and now I'm better I had to play catch up at work so haven't had much time.**

 **Anyway enough from me. Here's the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't won Supernatural.**

* * *

The next week Dean walked to the door of Castiel's office with an air of pride. He had managed to resist drinking for the whole week, and that alone was an achievement in his mind. Yes of course that had meant that he hadn't been able to go out for a drink with the guys from work, who had been confused by Dean's lack of interest in there drinking session. He hadn't spoken much to any of them that week anyway, not after what he had told Cas the previous week about his sexuality and the fact that he had never told his work mates. I mean, what would they do if they ever found out? If he told would they accept him? Or would they refuse? Be disgusted by him as they should be? Those where some of the questions that had gone through his head all week, but he had pushed them out. And however much he had wanted to drink to rid himself of them, he instead worked it away. He worked his lunches and any extra shifts that were available. He was not going to break. Not this time. He was doing this to show Sammy how good a brother he could be. That he wasn't evil and he wouldn't corrupt him just for being who he was. That was all that mattered.

And so yes, Dean was proud of himself.

* * *

Castiel sitting once more in his comfortable chair watched Dean enter his office and saw the confident way he walked. Either the guy had just drunk more than he should or, and more hopefully, he hadn't drunk at all to exude that confidence walking in here.

"So congratulations are in order then?" He asked as Dean sat.

"Hell yeah. Haven't had a drop all week." Dean replied with a genuine smile for the doctor opposite him who returned it full measure. He was really proud of the achievement Dean had succeeded in accomplishing.

"Well done." he said softly. He didn't want to patronise that man across from him.

Luckily Dean seemed to take it the way he meant it as he replied with "Thanks." in the same genuine tone that Castiel had applied to his congratulations.

"So I thought this week we could talk more about your childhood." Castiel said changing the subject and shifting in his seat so he was feeling more comfortable.

"I ain't talking any more about that." Dean replied with a growl, the smile leaving his face so fast Castiel wondered briefly if it had ever been there. There was no sign of it now. Dean was full on defensive, and that was what Castiel didn't want.

He wasn't going to make Dean discuss things he didn't want to, but it seemed that his patient wasn't aware of this. He needed to correct that straight away.

"What about you and Sammy as children? You must have some good stories of your time together." Castiel said in a voice which implied that he was at least pretending to have no idea what Dean was talking about when he went on the defence. It was a tone which he knew would relax the other man. He had come to the realisation that Dean was one of those people who would bury things so deep that it was almost impossible to find them. And yet those buried things would impact everything he did and every choice he made. It was those buried things that Castiel would eventually have to help Dean face.

"Oh yeah, I have a shit load of them." Dean replied to Castiel question after a beat where he analysed what Cas had said to try to find the angle the doctor was working now, but he couldn't see one. He also couldn't see what stories of him and Sammy as kids would tell the doc, but maybe he just wanted him to relax before going in for the kill or something. Yeah that sounded about right. But Dean was ready this time. There was going to be no more cry babying or having melt downs in his car. No sir, not for him. Not this time. He knew where he was going to place the boundaries in theses sessions with Cas, and there was no way he was going to let the other guy go over them. Or at least, that was his plan, whether it worked or not remained to be seen.

"I'd like to hear them, if you want to tell me." Castiel replied with a smile. He knew that Dean didn't want to break down like he had the previous session in the car and Castiel didn't want that to happen either. He wanted to help Dean not make him relive things that caused him so much pain without a constructive outcome and reason.

"You want me to talk about the crap me and Sammy got up to as kids?" Dean asked just to make sure he had the right end of the stick here. Cos really how would him telling theses stories help?

"Yes, if your willing." Castiel replied with a nod and a smile making Dean shrug and relax back in the chair.

"Sure. No problem Cas." and with that Dean started talking. Telling tale after tale about things he and Sam had got up to as children. As he talked Castiel listened closely, smiling and laughing in the right places, but also seeing the pattern that he wasn't even sure that Dean himself saw in all that he was telling him. Because while most of the stories involved on the surface at least, Sam and Dean having a good time together, Castiel could see the truth just below. Dean was not behaving as an older brother to Sammy, but as a parent. It was his job to support, protect and look after Sam Winchester throughout his childhood it seemed. In fact Castiel was sure that Dean had never had much of a childhood, not after the death of his mother. No instead at that point in time he had taken on her role within the family. This thought was confirmed when Dean would offhandedly mention how he had been cooking dinner, or sorting the clothes, or other household chores you would never expect a child to perform but that Dean seemed to have done without thought. As if it was the normal run of things.

Once Dean had got to the end of his current tale Castiel decided it was time to get a few answers to the questions he had.

"Tell me Dean. Did you do all the household chores?" He asked casually as if he just wanted to understand the family dynamic.

"Well yeah, someone had to right?" Dean replied with a shrug. He didn't see anything wrong or weird about that. He helped his dad out when they were younger. Plus it was better if he did it, less likely that he would lash out at Sammy.

"What about your father? Didn't he do them?" Castiel asked a frown starting to appear on his face at Dean's casual acceptance of the fact he did all the things that a parent should for his little brother.

"Na, I mean he spent all day at work earning the money we needed to live. He didn't need to do another job when he got home." Dean responded automatically with what sounded very much to Castiel like the party line. Hmm, yet another wonderful influence Dean's father had left him with.

"But surely being your and Sammy's parent was his most important job." He probed. He didn't want to push to hard, but he wanted Dean to see that what had happened in his childhood home was not normal.

"We turned out just fine." Dean replied defences going up straight away, even though he wasn't sure why. He knew his father had been a bastard and a rubbish parent, but some things in seemed were just to far ingrained to be able to shrug off. And defending his family was one of them.

"Really?" Castiel asked simply with the raise of an eyebrow. He wasn't sure he completely agreed with that sentence.

"I did good by Sam, Castiel. He's got a good job and a hot girlfriend. I think that means I did alright." Dean replied through gritted teeth. He wouldn't let Castiel's words get under his skin.

"But what about you?" Castiel asked softly. He knew Dean had done a great job raising his little brother. Dean would never allow for anything less. But he also got the distinct impression that to do that great job Dean had had to give up being a child himself.

"I'm here ain't I?" Dean responded with a shrug. He was a live, he had a job. He hadn't done too badly in his mind, well accept for his problem, but shit happened right?

"Yes you are." Castiel replied realising that while Dean may not have intended it, that sentence could have many different meanings. it could mean that Dean was alive, that he was an alcoholic, or that he was getting help. None of the meanings were exactly good ones though in the doctors mind. Dean needed to be living not just alive, nor should he have to numb his pain with alcohol, and he should not have to relive things his father, the one who should have protected him, had done to him.

At that silence descended on the office and Castiel realised that Dean was not going to speak again. Trying to continue this session now would be a waste of time.

"Very well, I'll see you next week then." He said into the quite room making Dean visibly breathe out in relief that Castiel was going to delve any further into his statement.

"Sure, see you then doc." He replied standing and moving to the door so he could leave as quickly as possible. This week he didn't feel like he was about to collapse under a magnitude of emotions or any of that touchy feely crap, and he just wanted to make sure that he got out of here before Cas changed his mind and pulled down his walls with a single sentence. Because Dean had come to the realisation that as much as he may not want to cross that line again, Castiel could do it any time he chose. That thought was not a comfort to Dean, though seeing that the doc hadn't crossed it today did give him a slight reassurance that he wouldn't do that, not unless Dean agreed to it. And that was something he would never do.

* * *

Castiel watched Dean leave and sighed. He knew that his patient had put up walls so what happened last time would not happen again, he did not want to have to fight Dean to help him. He just hoped that eventually Dean learnt to trust him enough to talk without any defence needed. He hoped he would eventually trust him that much.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank linusfan13, CaptainAckles, Tie-Dyed Broadway and IsabellaFaye11 for the lovely reviews, and especially for the poem.**

 **Anyway here's the next chapter, it's rather long but I hope you like it. And it makes sense, I wasn't planning on writing this one yet, but it just seemed right. I hope you know what I mean by that. Any road, enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean was slouched against the bar trying to hold an empty shot glass up to eye level to see how much liquor was still inside, not that he could actually see anything, he was that friggin' drunk. It was awesome. For the first time is so long his mind had gone numb, nothing hurt, nothing was there. It was definitely a state he needed to continue to be in. With that decision made he placed the shot glass back down on the bar and in the process leaned dangerously to side, only stopped from falling off his stool by the barman reaching out and grabbing his arm. Of course none of these things Dean notice, he just wanted more drink. With that in mind he shot his arm in the air with a drunken yell of "bar keep."

"Dean, I'm right here." The barman replied with a sigh. He hadn't seen the guy this bad in a while, in fact he hadn't seen Dean in a while period.

"Give me another, whatever this clear stuff is. Me likey." Dean slurred at him when he realised that he was there.

"Sorry man. You've had enough, time to go home." The barman replied as gently as he could. He did not want to piss of a drunk Dean Winchester, that was something everyone in this bar knew.

"No. Don't want to go there, it's boring." Dean replied slurring the words together so they were barely understandable.

""well I'm calling Sam. Maybe he can take you somewhere else." The barman said quickly picking up Dean's phone and scrolling through the contacts, getting ready to call his brother.

"NO. Don't call Sam." Dean shouted shooting his hand out and grabbing the phone the barman held onto tightly. To be honest he was rather started by that reaction, but he wasn't go to argue with the guy. As stated, he knew that if provoked Dean had a wicked temper, and right hook.

"Then who do you want me to call Dean?" He asked reasonably surely there was someone who could come and get the guy. Take responsibility for him and get him out of his bar.

At that Dean sat there and tried to make his mind work. Tried to make it think of a friend or someone he could get to come and help him. Help him. Those words pulled a memory from the back of his mind. A line spoken with complete sincerity. "Remember call if you need anything."

Sliding his hand off of the phone he answered the barman's question with the only name he could think who would actually come for him. Though even that he doubted but it was all he had.

"Cas, call Cas." He mumbled before he lay his head down on his arms on the bar and closed his eyes.

* * *

Castiel was sitting in his armchair listening to Beethoven and reading a very good book when his phone rang. He automatically looked to the clock and saw that it was almost midnight, which made him frown, who would be calling at this time? If it had been a few years ago he would have known, but now? Picking up his cell his eyebrows shot up almost into his hairline at the caller ID of Dean Winchester.

"Hello, this is Castiel." he said confidently down the phone. He was wondering why Dean would be calling him so late, but he had told the man to call him any time, so he couldn't be cross with the guy for doing as he had said.

"Hi. You Cas?" Came a stranger's voice down the line making Castiel sit up straight and close his eyes. There was only one reason a stranger would be using Dean's phone to call him, and it wasn't good.

"Yes." He replied evenly though inside he sighed. Dean had been doing so well.

"Great, Dean asked me to call you. He needs collecting." The other man said straightforwardly.

"Where is he?" Castiel asked with a sigh. This was far too reminiscent of the times past when strangers would call about his brother… no he was not going to start remembering that again. Gabriel was good now. They were all good now.

"The Roadhouse. Know it?" The man replied seemingly glad that Dean would soon become someone else's problem.

"Yes. I'll be there in about 15 minutes." Castiel answered and then hung up the phone, vaguely hearing the cheers from the man on the other end. With a sigh Castiel then stood to get his shoes. It had been a long time since he had done runs like these, but he knew that for Dean he would do them. He was determined to help the man.

* * *

When Castiel arrived at the bar Dean was practically comatose on the bar eyes firmly shut.

"Hello Dean." He muttered gently resting his hand on the man's shoulder and shaking it causing Dean to shoot up in his seat.

"Cas, dude. Fancy a drink?" Dean asked swaying on his stool while he smiled at the man in front of him. He didn't even think to question why his doctor was there.

"No. It's time to go home." Castiel replied tighten his grip on Dean's shoulder as the man swayed dangerously towards him.

"You coming with me?" Dean asked wondering why Cas was standing so close to him. Not that he minded, and wow, the guy's eyes were really blue. Pretty blue eyes.

"Yes Dean." Castiel replied to Dean's question. Anything to get him out of the bar and into the car.

"Awesome, let's go." With that Dean flung himself off of the stool and if Castiel hadn't been there ready to catch him he would have ended up flat on his face. Dragging the drunk man's arm over his shoulder Castiel nodded to the barman before dragging Dean out of the bar and to his car, where he had to prop him up against it so he could get the door unlocked.

"Anyone ever tell you you drive a pimpmobile?" Dean asked conversationally as he leaned against the car in what he thought was a sexy pose, though to Castiel it resembled more of a sprawl.

"Yes actually, more than once. In you get." Castiel replied opening the door and guiding the drunk man into the car.

Once in the driver's seat Castiel then had to sit there for about five minutes as Dean tried and failed to do up his seatbelt. In the end Castiel had to reach across and do it for him. He then started the engine and drove away from the bar without a word. There was no point trying to get anything out of Dean right now, he was far too drunk to make sense. Though Castiel did wonder what had happened to make him get this way.

Dean on the other hand watched the darkness fly by the window and allowed his eyes to close once more.

* * *

"Dean wake up, we're here." Castiel said from the open passenger side door as he shook the other man awake yet again. There was no way he would get Dean up the stairs without some help from the other man.

"Hu? What? I don't live here." Dean replied staring out the window at a smart looking apartment building. Yeah, this was definitely not his.

"No, I do. Come on." Castiel said pulling Dean's arm to help him get out of the car.

"Taking me back to your place Cas? Surely there's rules against that kind of thing." Dean said as he got out of the car. He then turned with surprising speed and pinned Castiel against it, pressing himself against the other man. "Not that I'm saying no, mind." He continued in a sensual voice as his eyes drifting down to Castiel lips.

* * *

Castiel stood against the car with Dean pressed against him. The move had taken him by surprise, he had no idea Dean was able to move that quickly while drunk. He was about to tell him to behave when Dean spoke in a deep sexy voice which made Castiel's pulse quicken. Oh that was so not a good thing. For a second as Dean's eyes travelled to his lips Castiel was tempted to lean forwards and press his to the other mans. But he couldn't, Dean was his patient. And there were lines he would not cross, no matter what he might be feeling. Thus he took a deep breath and raised his hands to place them on Dean's hips and ease his body back from Castiel's own.

"There are rules against that sort of thing. Come on Dean let's get you to bed." He said gently when he was sure the other man could stand without his assistance.

"Now that's a plan I like. Though not sure how much little Dean will be up for playing. Think I might have drunk a bit too much." Dean replied cheerily flinging his arm around Castiel's shoulder so the other man could support him through the door and towards the stairs.

"Just a bit." Castiel mumbled under his breath. He really thought Dean would not enjoy remembering this conversation come morning.

"I shouldn't drink, I'm an al-co-ho-lic." Dean proclaimed loudly as they staggered up the stairs.

"Yes." Castiel responded with a puff of breath. It was rather hard getting to Dean up the stairs, especially when he started flinging his arms around with his proclamation.

"I've decided to give up." Dean stated, completely unaware that Castiel was holding on to him for dear life to make sure he didn't fall backwards and crack his head open.

"Very true." Castiel replied through gritted teeth as he pulled once more and got Dean finally to his landing.

"No, not give up drinking, give up giving up." Dean explained as Castiel leant him against the wall so he could find his key and unlock the door. Of course this sentence from Dean made him stop and turn to him with a frown in his eyes.

"Why?" He asked curiously, whatever had happened that made Dean drink to this extend this evening was obviously something important. But what could be so important that it made him want to stop his recovery?

"Cos no one would care if I ended up drunk in the gutter, so why should I?" Dean replied with a shrug. He had no one. Sam had made that very clear this evening.

"I would care Dean." Castiel replied sincerely looking deep into the green of the other man's eyes.

"Really?" Dean asked completely at a loss what to say to that. I mean who was he to this guy really? Just his patient, right?

"Yes, really." Castiel answered with absolute conviction making Dean forget the question of why he would feel that way and just feel… well good that he did.

"Thanks Cas." Dean whispered as he lowered his head onto the other man's shoulder as Castiel went back to unlocking his door.

* * *

Once inside he guided Dean to his bedroom and then proceeded to help him change out of his dirty, smelly clothing, which in all honesty was a bit of a challenge as Dean kept trying to remove Castiel's clothes as well. But once Castiel, finally, had him changed and tucked up in his bed he looked down at the now passed out man.

"Sleep well Dean. I'll watch over you." He whispered. They were the same words he used to say to Gabriel when he was in the same situation. He then went and collected his book and settled into the comfy chair he had in his bedroom from all the nights he used to do this with the other. And as he sat there the memories rose unbidden in his mind. All the times he had gone to collect him and nursing him through those nights, and as his eyes rested on Dean's sleeping form he remembered, his brother had got better, surely Dean would to.

* * *

Dean woke in the morning with his mouth feeling like he had been eating sand and as if something mould like and furry had grown on his tongue. It was vile, this was something he certainly didn't miss about being sober, the hanger overs.

"There is a glass of water on the bedside table on your right." Came a voice from the same general direction, but Dean was too busy thanking god that water was in reach to pay much attention to who it was who had spoken. Of course once he had drunk most of it, his brain decided to kick start into action and make him realise that it was Castiel, his doctor, who had spoken. And looking down, this certainly wasn't his bedding. What the hell happened last night? With wide eyes Dean slowly turned to Castiel breathing a sigh of relief to find him sitting in a chair fully clothed and a book in his lap. He guessed he hadn't done anything with the doc then. He hoped not, that would just be plain embarrassing.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asked when Dean finally turned to look at him.

"Like hell. What happened?" Dean asked his voice cracking slightly from his still dry throat.

"That was what I was going to ask you." Castiel answered with a smile for the other man. Looking at Dean at that moment he realised that he had a lot more of his defences down now than he did when he came into his office, which in Castiel's mind was a strange way of things. But if he could get answers, then he would.

"Why?" Dean asked confused by that sentence. Of course he was confused about what he was doing with Cas period, so that really didn't change much in his mind.

"Because I got a call from the bar asking me to collect you at midnight." Castiel replied simply keeping his smile firmly in place. He didn't want Dean to think he minded being called for that. Even if he would prefer that he wasn't, not because he didn't want to help Dean you understand, it was more a case he would very much prefer for Dean not to be in that sort of situation.

"Crap, sorry Cas. Won't happen again." Dean mumbled closing his eyes against the embarrassment of the bar calling his doc. I mean really? How much worse could it get?

"I don't mind if it does Dean. I just don't want you slipping back into old habits." Castiel responded gently.

"Yeah well, I got some news yesterday. Didn't make me feel too great." Dean explained, not that he was going any further with that, with what Sam had done, or not done. It was all his own fault at any rate. If he hadn't been such a weak-assed idiot, Sam would still be speaking to him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Castiel asked tilting his head as he did in there sessions making Dean roll his eyes. Though that caused him to groan as it reminded him of his pounding head.

"No. stop shrinking me. I'm to hungover for that." He grumbled good humouredly. It was strange, when he used to wake up like this he always felt shit about what he had done and Sam would always give him that disappointed look which usually drove him to leave the house as soon as possible and find the nearest bar to drink his hangover away. But here with Cas, he didn't feel like doing that. Hell he felt comfortable, and he really didn't feel the need to drink, which in itself was a revelation to him.

"Very well, we'll discuss it in your next session. How about I make you some breakfast instead." Castiel replied standing from his chair when he saw how comfortable Dean seemed, he liked seeing him like that, and he liked seeing him in his bed, but that was a thought that would never see the light of day thank you very much.

"Food?" Dean asked eyes opening wide with a begging look on his face making Castiel chuckle. He studiously ignored all references to his sessions. He really didn't want to think of them right now.

"Yes Dean, food." Castiel replied moving towards the door.

"Thanks. Oh Cas? I didn't… you know, do anything stupid last night did I?" Dean asked cringing at the words as he held his breath against the hope that he hadn't made a pass at Cas or anything. Cos that would be something he would never be able to live down. I mean who went round making a pass at their doctor? Their doctor who was probably straight. I mean weren't most normal people?

"No Dean. You didn't." Castiel replied with a smile before he turned towards his kitchen. He was not going to inform Dean of the conversation they had had. The less said about that the better in his mind. Even if he could no longer look at the man without a certain appreciation for his form.

"Thank god for that." Dean mumbled as he lay his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes, going back to dozing while Castiel went to prepare him bacon, eggs and toast to mop up all the alcohol. And while cooking the breakfast Castiel resolutely refused to think about what had almost happened the previous evening between him and his patient. He knew, academically, he should walk away, get someone else to take on Dean's case, but he also knew that that was something he could never do. He would just have to control his feelings towards the man. And keep the sexual attraction buried so far down that Dean would never be able to find it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello my lovelies. Yes I know I should be in bed, but I'm not, so what the hell, right? I would like to thank IsabellaFaye11 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. Ta loves. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **Anyway enough from me here is the next chapter (another long one, this story does not seem to give me anything but long chapters), I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean approached Castiel's office with some trepidation. It had been three days since he had woken in the man's bed, and did that ever sound wrong. But since then he had had flashes of what had happened that evening and as such he had a vague recollection that he had propositioned the man, but hey Cas hadn't mentioned it the next morning, and hell he had made him a great breakfast, as such Dean hoped most fervently that Castiel had put it down to his drunkenness rather than the idea that he had certain designs on the man. Cos come on, he was his doctor, nothing was ever going to happen there right? Hell he had never even thought of the guy that way. Even if he did have amazing eyes. But still he was worried. It seemed that him calling Cas to come and get him when drunk had crossed some imaginary boundary in his mind. And he knew that the doc would be asking him why he had fallen of the wagon, just as he knew, that because he called Cas, he was going to have to answer honestly. And he had a horrible feeling that he was going to have to open up to the guy somehow. He didn't truly understand it, but Dean was sure that that night and the morning that followed somehow changed the dynamic between him and Cas. Though to what he still wasn't completely sure. But he guessed he would find out soon enough.

* * *

Castiel was sitting in his office trying to make himself comfortable. He knew that Dean was his next appointment, but he also knew they had crossed the clinical line of doctor and patient to one which he hoped would go towards more friendly territory. All he had to do was remove all thoughts of Dean the man from his mind. And he could do that. It was one thing to find Dean attractive while he was lying in his bed. It would be another thing entirely for those feelings to translate into his office. He could do this, he could. And while he knew some of his contemporary's would say he was to close, he knew that when dealing with Dean Winchester, close was the only way to help him.

* * *

Dean approached the door to the office and threw back his shoulders, he could do this. He would do this. He had to prove to Sam that he had changed. Now more than ever, he had to prove that. So taking a deep breath he rapped sharply on the door hoping that the knock would show a confidence he wasn't sure he truly felt.

* * *

Castiel was sitting in his chair when the knock came and clearing his throat to make sure his voice was normal, he called out a "come in."

Dean opened the door and one look at Cas sitting in his chair and his confidence chanced into a sheepishness. He had failed on so many levels since the last time the saw each other in this room. As such he made his way to his chair in silence not looking at the man across from him.

"So Dean. Tell me, what was it that sent you to the bar that evening?" Castiel asked once Dean was in the chair. They were here for a reason after all.

"Sammy got engaged to his girlfriend Jess." Dean replied. He had known that this was coming and he knew he would have to speak about what had happened that evening. The only good thing he could say was that he hadn't been to a bar since, not that that changed how he had failed his brother, just as he knew he would. Just as Sammy knew he would.

"So you went there to celebrate with him?" Castiel asked, glad on one hand that Dean was talking to Sammy, but not happy about the fact that his brother had taken him to a bar when by all accounts he had from Dean Sam was the one who pushed him to get help.

"No." Dean replied simply. Oh god how he wished that was the truth. It would be so much better than his own wallowing in self-pity.

"Then why?" Castiel asked with a tilt of his head. He realised there was more here than he realised.

"Cos he didn't tell me. I found out though a friend telling me to give him his congratulations. My brother hates me so much he didn't even tell me he had got engaged. Not even a friggin' text." Dean replied bitterly. Yeah he knew his brother didn't want anything to do with him. But surely something like this, something this big. He would have gone to the trouble of telling him about right?

"When was the last time you spoke to Sammy?" Castiel asked with a frown. Why would his brother not tell Dean that he had got engaged? What was he missing here?

"When he told me he wasn't doing it anymore." Dean replied with a sigh not looking at Cas, instead he stared out of the window. He knew they would have to have this conversation eventually, but it still hurt.

"Doing what?" Castiel asked pressing Dean to clarify. Though he thought he knew. He understood what Sam was going through after all.

"Picking me up from the bar. Dealing with my shit. Not that I blame him." Dean replied in a monotone voice still not looking at Castiel making the other man sigh, this was becoming close to getting blood from a stone, though he knew that this was easier than it would have been before the fateful night where he had taken Dean home. That seemed to have broken some barriers between them in some way he wasn't sure he could define.

"What were his exact words Dean?" Castiel asked gently trying to get to the heart of the problem.

"He couldn't do it anymore. He had his own life to live, he couldn't carry me as well." Dean responded with a shrug turning to look at Castiel with a cynical smile that said take **that** night and times it by a hundred. Something Castiel could do with ease.

"And how did that make you feel?" He asked probing for all he was worth. He needed to get under Dean's masks somehow.

"Really Cas? That's such a friggin' cliché?" Dean replied with the raise of his eyebrows. There was no way he was going to answer that for god's sake. He was not some lame ass sappy freak who spoke about their feeling at every freaking opportunity.

"True, but that doesn't answer the question." Castiel said amicably. He knew just what was going through Dean's head at that question but it was still valid. He would not be able to help Dean if he didn't explore his emotions.

"It made me come to you." Dean replied, and that was as after as he was going thank you very much.

"Have you told Sam about our sessions?" Castiel asked realising he had got all he would from Dean.

"No." Dean replied cynically and crossed his arms defensively, he did not need a lecture on how he should have hugging sessions with his brother thank you very much.

"Then is it any wonder he didn't tell you of his engagement considering his last words to you?" Castiel asked with the raise of his eyebrows making Dean glare at him as he realised the answer to that question.

"No." Dean grounded out through gritted teeth. He did not like Castiel finding holes in why he did what he did. Even if he knew it was stupid.

"Can I give you some advice?" Castiel asked in a voice that told Dean that he was going to give it whether he like it or not, condescending bastard.

"Can I stop you?" Dean grumbled in reply.

"No, not really." Castiel answered with a serene smile. He wanted Dean to actually want the advice he was going to give.

"Fine. What's the advice Cas." Dean finally replied completely against his better judgement but Cas was just sitting there staring at him, making him talk, damn him.

"Call him. Tell him you are getting help and that you are determined to become sober." Castiel stared as if it really was that simple. Because hell it really wasn't.

"Why?" Dean asked belligerently. He didn't want to give Sammy a chance to see him fail.

"Because you need his support." Castiel replied and when that was greeted with just a look of disbelief on Dean's face he tried another tact. "Tell me, now would you feel if Sammy had a problem and then went to get help with it without telling you?"

"I'd be pissed." Dean replied though he hated himself for doing so. He knew exactly where Cas was going with this and he didn't like it.

"And do you think your brother would feel differently?" Castiel persisted. He would get through to Dean, no matter what.

"No." Dean grounded out however much he would like to say different.

"Then shouldn't you tell him you're getting help?" Castiel suggested rounding off his argument and then just staring at Dean until he backed down.

"Fine." Dean replied with a roll of his eyes. God Cas was persistent when he wanted to be. With that Dean pulls his phone from his pocket and taking a deep breath pressing one on the speed dial.

"Dean? What's wrong?" Came the voice down the line after the second ring which surprised Dean. He had thought that his brother would let it go to voice mail.

"I heard you and Jess were engaged. Thought I should offer my congratulations." Dean replied not really sure what he wanted to say. This conversation had not been planned out after all.

"Right, well thanks." Sam replied. The brothers then descended into silence as Sam waited for Dean to say more and Dean tried to find the words he needed to say what he found he couldn't.

"Anything else?" Sam finally asked. He wasn't going to sit there in silence on the phone to his brother. He had things to do after all.

"Yeah. I um, I've started getting help." Dean replied talking a deep breath and closing his eyes. He knew this was his only chance with his brother. He just hoped he didn't screw it up. Telling Sam made him realise that there was no way he could fail this time.

"Help with what?" Sam asked, hope in his voice that Dean meant what he thought he did.

"To stop drinking." Dean replied standing and going towards the window so he could pretend to some sort of privacy for this conversation.

"Really?" Sam asked, hope so clear in his tone.

"Yeah, I'm seeing this doc. He's good. Suggested I call so…" Dean replied leaning his head against the window resolutely not looking at Cas who hadn't moved in his chair since the being of this conversation.

"That's great Dean. Really good." Sam replied in a proud and encouraging, if not slightly condescending, voice. Though Dean chose to ignore the undertone.

"Yeah well…." He replied, not sure what else he could say to his brother. There was much he certainly wasn't going to say. Like ever. But for now, at least they were talking.

"So what's this doctor's name?" Sam asked trying to make it upbeat but Dean knew the question was more a way of prying. Making sure that Dean was actually telling him the truth and not just feeding him another lie so he could get back into his life. And hell, he couldn't resent his brother for it. It wouldn't be the first time he had lied to him after all.

"Umm, Castiel Novak. I'm actually in his office right now. He thought I should call so… I am." Dean replied hoping he sounded more confident than he felt with that sentence.

"Can I speak to him?" Sam asked sensing Dean's slight waver and wanting to make sure that he wasn't just telling him what he wanted to hear.

"Umm, yeah sure, hang on." Dean replied pulling the phone from his ear before turning to Castiel. "Sam wants to talk to you." he said holding out the phone to his doctor. And that was wrong to start with. He had told Cas things he really didn't want his brother to know.

"That's fine." Castiel replied taking the phone from Dean before bringing it to his ear. "Hello Sam." he said into the mouth piece. He was intrigued about this man who had such an influence on Dean's life. He wanted to know as much as he could about him.

"Hi, doctor Novak right?" Sam asked unsure what to say now that he had the doctor on the phone. Because let's be honest, he had only asked to speak to him to make sure he was real. Of course Dean could have asked a friend to pretend, but he didn't really thing his brother would go that far, or at least he hoped he wouldn't.

"Yes. You will find my credentials under the Helping Hand Clinic." Castiel replied understanding exactly what Sammy really wanted to know but was afraid to ask.

"Right okay. So… how's he doing?" Sam asked not sure how to take such a straight forward response to his unasked questions. I mean how did this guy know what he was thinking?

"I can't comment on a patient without their permission." Castiel replied resolutely and saw out of the corner of his eye Dean sag against the window frame. He knew that the other man was worried he would tell his brother what he had told him about his sexuality and their father. But he was a professional, and that was not something he would share with Dean's family. That was up to him to tell.

"Come on doc, he's my brother." Sam pleaded he need to make sure that this was real and not Dean trying to get back into his good books. And god how he hated himself for even thinking that about his brother.

"And he is my patient." Castiel replied completely unmoved by Sammy's protestations. He would not break the confidence he and Dean had gained. Not for anything, including Dean's brother.

"Well he's there right? So ask him." Sam exclaimed, it was a simple solution in his mind.

"He is coming to me to help him through his problem Sammy-" Castiel tried to explain. There was no way he was going to discuss the ins and outs of Dean's recovery with his brother.

"It's Sam." Sam interrupted, he hated being called Sammy.

"Sorry, Sam. that is all I can tell you." Castiel finished hoping that that would it. Dean needed to know he could trust him.

"Fine, can you put Dean back on the line?" Sam asked. If the doctor wouldn't ask his brother then he would.

"Of course." Castiel replied and held the phone back out to Dean who pulled himself away from the window and took a deep breath, he knew what Sam was going to ask and he also knew there was no way he could say no. Even if he really didn't want his brother to find out about all he had discussed with Cas.

"Hey Sammy." He said with a forced cheery tone trying to pretend that he had listened to his conversation with Cas.

"So the doctor won't tell me anything without your permission." Sam stated. He wasn't stupid he knew Dean had been listening however much he pretended that he hadn't.

"Yeah I got that." Dean replied with a sigh. Trust his brother to get to the point and all that.

"Can I have it?" Sam asked without any more preamble.

"I doing … okay Sam. really." Dean stated as best he could, trying to ignore all thoughts of the night he had got completely wasted and called Cas for help. Letting his brother know even a hint of that would not go well, for any of them.

"I'm sorry Dean, but I can't take your word on that." Sam replied with a stern tone as if he was forcing himself to deify his brother however much it was completely against who he was.

"Fine. But not now. I don't.. I don't want to know what you two discuss." Dean whispered as he caved as both he and Sam knew he would. With those words he leaned his head against the cool glass of the window. He did not want to be there when Cas told him what a dirty nasty person he really was.

"Okay. It was good to hear from you." Sam replied feeling somewhat regretful for pushing Dean for his permission, but he needed to know. He needed to make sure his brother wasn't just playing him for a fool once more.

"Yeah you to." Dean whispered still with his eyes closed. He knew he had just signed the death on any relationship he and Sam could ever have. No matter what he did. For being what he was Sam would never forgive him, and he was right not to. He was an abomination, dirty scum. He didn't deserve to lick Sam's boots for god sake.

"Bye Dean." Sam said unaware of the thoughts going through his brother's head.

"Bye Sammy." Dean whispered knowing it was the last time he would ever speak to him.

When all he could hear was the disconnection tone Dean lowered his hand but he did not move from the window. He couldn't believe what he had just agreed to. He couldn't believe that Sam was about to find out just how evil he truly was.

"I will not tell him anything we have spoken of in our sessions Dean. You do not need to worry about that." came Castiel voice from behind him making him raise his head and turn the doctor with hope in his eyes. Not that he said a word.

"Those things are not for me to reveal Dean. You have my word. I will tell him nothing that you do not wish him to know." Castiel continued when he had Dean looking at him. He had to make sure he knew that Castiel would keep his confidences. That Castiel would always be there for him and no other.

"Promise?" Dean asked in a whisper as if he had forgotten how to use his voice.

"Yes Dean, I promise." Castiel stated hoping that Dean believed him. And when he saw the smile break out on his patients face he realised that he did. He had no idea how, but somehow he had gained Dean Winchesters trust. And that alone was a momentous achievement.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank CaptainAckles, linusfan13, IsabellaFaye11 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank all you lovely people who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **Quick note, Louden Swain are Rob Benedict's band for those of you who are not aware and the music I listen to when I write this story. I flippin' love them.**

 **Anyway enough from me, here have another slightly long chapter. Enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel was sitting behind his desk waiting for his next appointment. This one was different from the majority of the others he had that day. This one was with Sam Winchester to discuss his brothers treatment. He knew that this was going to be a tightrope walk of a conversation, he had done his homework after all, and looked up Dean's brother. Finding that he was a lawyer, and as such someone who could and would argue and persuade him to reveal all he knew. But he wouldn't do it. And nothing Sammy said would be able to make him do so. Dean was his first and only priority here, that been said of course, he hoped that Sam may be able to shed a bit more light onto Dean's life. As such he realised that there was going to have to be some give and take.

* * *

Sam Winchester had also done his homework and found out that Castiel Novak was indeed a very good doctor. He had glowing recommendations from various former patients, and the fact that his brother had been able to get onto his program was an achievement on its own. Sam was still not completely sure how Dean had done that. From what he could see his brother was not the usual type of patient Dr Novak took on. But he had taken Dean, and he was helping him, so he wasn't going to question it. All he wanted to know was that Dean was doing well, that he would get better. That whatever demons he was fighting were combat-able, and how he could help his brother fight them. I mean it wasn't like he could help without knowing what they were, was there? And he knew that Dean would never tell him. So it looked like his doctor was going to have to instead. With these thoughts in his mind and Taking a deep breath Sam knocked on the door of the doctors office.

"Come in." Called the deep voice he remembered from the phone. Straitening his shoulders he entered the room with an air of confidence and a surety that he would get the answer to all his questions here.

"Doctor Novak. It's a pleasure to meet you." Sam said holding out his hand for the doctor to shake.

"You to Mr Winchester, please, sit." Castiel replied after a slight hesitation. He wasn't used to people offering him there hand when they came to see him after all.

"Thank you." Sam replied smiling as he made himself comfortable across the desk from the doctor and studied him. He seemed at ease with him in his office, that was a good sign, hopefully that meant that he would tell Sam what it was he wanted to know.

"You have questions about your brothers recovery?" Castiel prompted when Sam just sat there and looked at him. Not that the silence worried him, it was one of his favourite techniques to get someone to talk after all.

"Yes. I want to make sure he is on the right road." Sam said smiling at Castiel hoping that would give him the opening to explain how Dean was getting on.

"Dean is doing very well." Castiel replied simply, refusing to get drawn into saying anything more.

"Do you know what it is that caused him to starting drink so much?" Sam asked when he realised he was going to have to go for a more direct approach to get information from the doctor.

"I have an idea, though I was hoping you would be able to help me gain further insight." Castiel replied flipping the interrogation onto Sam with ease.

"Of course. What would you like to know?" Sam asked knowing that if he wanted to gain any insight he was going to have to share some with this man. It was all a game of give and take after all.

"I was hoping you could tell me more of Dean's relationship with your uncle Bobby." Castiel said. It was a subject he and Dean had yet to cover, and they would need to soon. But before that Castiel was hoping to get an insight into the relationship so he knew which way to approach the conversation with Dean. Which questions to ask, and which way to guide him.

"Bobby? Oh okay. Um, well, they seemed to rub along together fine." Sam replied frowning slightly wondering what on earth his uncle had to do with anything.

"And yet they haven't spoken since Dean left his home at 18 correct?" Castiel asked going straight to the point. He needed to know if Bobby did indeed want to speak to Dean again. If his uncle wanted a relationship with him before he suggested such to Dean. The man did not need more rejection after all. That would just send him spiralling again.

"Do you think its something that Bobby did?" Sam asked sitting up straight as he tried to think about what had happened when he was younger between Dean and their uncle to make Dean who he was now.

"No Sam I don't." Castiel replied absolutely. He wanted to get that idea out of the younger Winchesters head right now.

"Then why are you asking?" Sam asked confused now. Because again, what did any of this have to do with Bobby if he wasn't the cause?

"Dean needs as much support as he can during this time. I was hoping that your uncle would support him as you yourself are now doing." Castiel replied simply. It was the truth, though there was more to it than that. Castiel felt that Dean may well see Bobby as some sort of father figure, as such if he could have his support and love it might help him to combat the negative things his actual father had put into his mind.

"Oh, right, well, um, honestly I haven't a clue and neither does Bobby. He's always asking me how Dean is when we speak." Sam responded with a shrug. He and Bobby had discussed it before but neither of them had a clue, and when Sam and once ventured to ask Dean, well lets just say it didn't go well.

"And do you do that often?" Castiel asked changing the subject from Dean and onto Sam himself. He wanted to know more about this man. To see what his relationship with his uncle was.

"Yeah, once a week or so. I mean the guy was good to me. Helped me get into college and everything." Sam replied confused about what that had to do with anything.

"That's good. Thank you." Castiel replied with a nod, ending his interrogation of Sam. He had got the answers he needed, and now he knew what way to structure his next session with Dean.

"So what can you tell me about why Dean is... the way he is?" Sam asked realising that while he had answered all the doctors questions, Castiel had answered none of his. Which shocked him. He hadn't realised that the doctor was that good.

"Your brother is an alcoholic Sam." Castiel stated simply, he needed to make sure the word was out there and there was none of the hand waving, lets pushing it under the rug, behaviour.

"Yeah I know that." Sam replied slightly defensively. Why was the doctor telling him what he had known for a lot longer than he had?

"You can say the word. It is not taboo, just a diagnosis." Castiel explained which he saw Sam's hackles rise.

"I know." Sam stated once more.

"Good." Castiel replied with a nod, but didn't answer his question making Sam ask once more through gritted teeth.

"So why is he an alcoholic?"

"There are many things that contribute to someone becoming dependant on various addictive substances." Castiel replied vaguely. He was not going to tell Sam anything that he wanted to hear. If he was to discover any of that it would be from Deans lips, when he was ready and not a second before.

"I know that." Sam said again. He was starting to realise that he was not going to be getting any answers from this man.

"I'm glad to hear it." Castiel replied with a smile but said nothing more.

"Your not going to tell me anything are you?" Sam asked with a sigh as he realised that nothing he said would get this man to talk to him about Dean.

"I can only tell you that he is doing well Sam. Anything else is up to your brother to share. I will not break his confidence or his trust." Castiel replied with a sincere look. Oh he could understand how Sam felt, but he needed the other man to realise that here, Dean was the most, and only, important person.

"Then I'll ask him." Sam challenged. Dean had given the doctor his permission to discuss this with him and he needed to know damn it. He needed to know what it was that sent his brother over the edge so he could make sure it didn't happen again.

"I would not do that if I were you." Castiel replied with a slight growl to his voice which pulled Sam up short. What the hell?

"Why not?" He asked argumentatively. Maybe now the doctor would tell him what he needed to know.

"Because to ask Dean to share before he is ready will be detrimental to his recovery. When he is ready, he will tell you. Until then I recommend patience." Castiel replied after taking a deep breath and calming himself down. He did not want Sam to go probing around Dean until his patient was ready. It would not work.

"Dean will never tell me anything. He never does without me prodding him." Sam replied with a shrug as if that explained why he did what he did.

"Believe me, there are reasons for his reluctance to share. And all I care about is your brother getting better." Castiel stated simply. He needed Sam to understand to leave well enough alone.

"That's all I care about too." Sam replied just as sincerely.

"Then you will take my advice and wait. No matter how hard you may find it to do so." Castiel stated relentlessly. He would not give up on this until Sam agreed to let Dean come to him.

"Well, your the expert I guess." Sam replied begrudgingly. He wanted to find out, but he didn't want to do anything that might send Dean back to how he was before.

"Yes I am. Is there anything else you wish to tell me about Dean?" Castiel asked changing the subject now he had Sam's reassurance that he would leave well enough alone.

Sam said there for a moment his eyes wondering to the window as his mind ran other all the memories and thoughts he had of Dean. Finally he turned back to Castiel with a genuine smile on his face as he spoke.

"When we were younger I used to look up to him, you know? He was my childhood hero. Looked after both of us. He was the one I went to when I got an A on a test or won some award. He was always so proud of me."

"Isn't he still?" Castiel asked tilting his head at the man across from him.

"Yeah he is, but... I don't know. Something changed. Maybe its just I grew up." Sam replied with a shrug and a sigh. He wished it hadn't changed, whatever it was.

"Maybe you both need to relearn how to be brothers." Castiel suggested, though this suggestion came more from personal experience than a professional opinion.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked frowning across the desk.

"Talk to him. Go for a coffee and talk." Castiel said gently, a smile on his lips.

"Yeah, okay. I'll think about it." Sam replied standing. It was time he got out of here. This doctor was far to good at his job and Sam did not need a therapy session right now.

"It was nice meeting you Sam." Castiel said as the other man stood and made his way to the door.

"You to Dr Novak." Sam replied giving him a nod before he walked out of the door with a frown on his face as he tried to work out what it was that the man had been trying to tell him. Him and Dean where brothers, why would they need to relearn how to be so? With a shrug he put it from his mind, but he did pull his phone from his pocket and send of a text to his brother asking him if he wanted to met up for a coffee after work. A few seconds later he got a reply confirming a time and place. With that Sam Winchester made his way back to his own office, putting all thoughts of his brother and his doctor from his mind and replacing it with the cases on his desk.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello all. I would like to thank spnlluva, linusfan13, CaptainAckles, Tie-Dyed Broadway and IsabellaFaye11 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured this story. I love you all.**

 **So here is the next chapter. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean entered the coffee shop he had agreed to meet his brother in with nervousness coursing through his veins. He could feel himself jump at the slightest sound and a need to check the room for every exit, just in Case. Hell, if he was being honest he was impressed that he hadn't stopped off at the bar on the way, but he hadn't. The reason being he wanted to prove to Sam that he had changed. Either that or because he had made sure that he didn't leave work until the last possible moment so there was no time to get a fortifying drink in without being late for the meet with Sam.

You see, while he had at his last session believed that Cas wouldn't tell his brother anything personal, the fact that Sam had texted him to arrange this meeting made him wonder if that trust was misplaced. What if Cas had told him? What if this meeting was so Sam could tell him that he didn't want to have anything to do with dirty scum like him? What would he do then? What would he do when he knew whatever he did he would never get his brother back? Well he knew that answer to that one. He would happily drink himself into an early grave, just like their dad had. Though the fact that his brother's opinion was so important to him had, for the first time, started to scare him, to worry him how much he put in Sam's hands. Cos he was starting to think that maybe that wasn't so normal or fair on Sam. What to do about it though, he had no friggin' idea. But right now he was going to meet his brother. When they had talked he would work out what he was going to do. No point counting you chickens before they've hatched and all that.

* * *

Sam sat in the corner of the coffee house and watched his brother come through the door. His behaviour shocked him. Because that man, that wasn't the Dean he knew. He was jumpy and… scared? He had no idea why he was being like that, but if he had to guess, it was because whatever drove him to drink was something that he did not want Sam to know. It was then watching his brother's eyes dart to every exit before they settled on the counter that he realised that maybe Dr Novak had had a point. You see, even while he was making his way to this meeting he had thought that maybe he could get his brother to tell him what was the root cause of his problem. But one look at Dean, and Sam knew he couldn't do that to him. No. Right now all he wanted to do was reassure him, like Dean had done for him when he was younger, that everything was going to be alright. With that in mind he raised his hand to gain his brothers attention.

* * *

Dean looked around the coffee house, thinking that he was there before Sam, but then he saw the giant of a little brother of his sitting in the corner raising his hand. Damn, how was it Sammy managed to be inconspicuous when he was as tall as he was? But he was just tiring to put his mind from what was to come, just like nodding at his brother and then approaching the counter to get a drink, was just putting off the inevitable. But he needed time. He needed to calm himself before he faced Sammy sober for the first time in years.

* * *

Sam sat and waited for Dean to join him with anticipation. Now he had seen his brother he wanted to talk to him, though what about he wasn't completely sure, but hell, they were brothers. Surely they could find some topic to cover. They had never had a problem talking before after all.

* * *

Dean approached Sam holding his black coffee in both hands to make sure that there was no sign of shaking, though whether that would have been from nerves or withdrawal he had no idea. But either way he made it. Setting the coffee carefully on the table he sat opposite from his brother and taking a deep breath raised his eyes, ready to take whatever verdict, and punishment, his brother gave him. He deserved nothing less after all.

"Hey Dean. You're looking good." Sam said in lieu of a greeting, smiling at his brother trying to put him at ease.

"Yeah, you too." Dean replied cautiously. Wondering if Sam was just trying to put him at ease before he went for the kill. He deserved that. His brother telling him he didn't want him in his life, didn't want to even breathe the same air as him. That he should have just drank himself to death rather than make the world put up with his sort of scum. That he was a dirty perverted faggot that should have been put to death at birth.

While these thoughts went through Dean's mind Sam sat and watched his brother closely. He had no idea what he was thinking, but he could see that it was torture to his brother. He just had no idea how to make it stop. The doc would he was sure, but he Sam, he had no freaking clue. He was lost on how to help his brother, bring him back to him. Back to the here and now. It was then that Dr Novak's words came back to him. _"Talk… reconnect as brothers."_ It seemed he had knew what he was talking about, more than Sam had thought. As such with that man on his mind he opened his mouth to break the silence that had descended between him and Dean. And hopefully remove that look of pain that he could see in his brothers eyes no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"So I went to see Dr Novak today." He said as conversationally as he could, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal.

"Yeah, and what did Cas have to say?" Dean replied in a voiced which was obviously forced to sound as casual as his brothers.

"Cas?" Sam asked diverted by the nickname it seemed Dean had given his doctor. Cos let's be honest, only Dean would do that.

"We're informal in my sessions." Dean mumbled in response pushing all thoughts of waking up in the man's bed from his mind. Or at least trying to. Now was not the time or place for those thoughts.

"Right. Well he said you were doing well, really good." Sam responded realising that Dean calling the doctor Cas was just Dean being, well, Dean.

"Well, I'm trying." Dean replied with a small smile yet again pushing away thoughts of that night he failed. It seemed Cas hadn't mentioned any of that thank god. Or anything that he had told him. Cas had kept his promise, and that alone made Dean feel like a million freakin' dollars. He felt the weight of sentence lift from his shoulders. He was free, for now at least. But he wouldn't think of the future, just enjoy this time of peace. Of freedom, for as long as it lasted.

"That's good Dean, hell it's great." Sam replied a genuine smile splitting his face. He was so damn proud of Dean right now. Cos he knew if Dean was trying then he would succeed. That was just who his brother was. He had never failed once when he put his mind to something. It made Sam relax, his brother was going to get better, he knew it now.

"Thanks. So how Jess?" Dean asked turning the conversation quickly from him. He didn't do praise, he didn't deserve it. Plus there was too much he didn't want to talk about thank you very much.

"She's amazing. She wanted me to tell you she says hi and that she hopes to see you round ours soon. She said she'll even make you pie and everything." Sam replied with a smile knowing that Jess would happily make pie for Dean after he told her of well he was doing. Hell, she would do all she could to support Dean, just as he would.

"Awesome. She makes good pies." Dean answered with a smirk, the old Dean starting to come to the fore now that the danger zone had been past.

"Yeah she does." Sam agreed glad to see that look on his brother's face. It was one he hadn't seen in far too long in his mind.

"So umm, congrats again and all that. You guy's set a date yet?" Dean asked keeping the conversation away from him and in a light, happy area. He was having a good time and he did not want that to end.

"Not yet, though we're thinking next summer." Sam replied taking a sip of his coffee as he watched his brother. He was wondering if now was the right time for asking something he had wanted to ask Dean ever since Jess had said yes.

"Cool." Dean responded with a smile for his brother, though inside he was wondering just why Sam was looking at him like that. What had he done to make his brother cautious? Was now the time for the hammer to fall? But whatever was going through his head he made sure he keep his happy mask in place, it was there now, he could kept it there even if it killed him. It was the one that had fooled Sam all his life. And it didn't disappoint him now.

"And well you know, when the time comes, I'm hoping you'll be my best man." Sam finally mumbled out. Hoping that he hadn't made a massive mistake. Because Dean the drunk he did not want at his wedding. But the big brother who had raised him and been there for him for his whole life, he was the one he wanted at his side as he married the woman he loved.

"Course Sammy." Dean replied with a sincerity that caused tears to gather at the corner of Sam's eyes. Because that was the voice he knew from times past meant that Dean would move heaven and earth to get him what he wanted. His brother really was determined to get better. And it was freaking brilliant.

"So what else is happening in your life?" Sam asked before they could slip into what Dean referred to as chick-flick territory. He knew he brother would really not want to go there.

"Not much. Just work really. Kinda boring." Dean replied with a shrug, though he had a small smile on his lips. He knew full well what his brother was doing, and if he wasn't so damn glad that he was, he would take the piss out of him for going all teary.

"So, no new relationship on the horizon or anything?" Sam asked. Cos let's be honest this was Dean -ladies' man- Winchester. When he had known him before, well he seemed to have a different woman hoovering round him each time he saw him.

"Nah, they say you shouldn't change things too much when in the program." Dean replied skirting round the subject as best he could. Cos in all honesty he didn't want to lie to Sam and tell him about his 'latest woman', not anymore. But he also wasn't going to tell him the truth. He had just got his brother back, he wasn't going to throw him away again. Maybe now things could get back to the way they were.

"Right of course." Sam nodded in response. Though mentally he was kicking himself, he knew that for god sake. He had read all the info he could get his hands on about the program Dean had enrolled on.

"Though there is this one-" Dean said trying to make his brother feel better and bring back the relationship they had had just a second ago. He didn't want to lose Sam again. He wanted them to be as they once were. How they were earlier with the casual conversation. He wanted that, and he would get that. Of that he was certain.

"Oh yeah? Why am I not surprised?" Sam replied with a chuckle glad to see that his brother wasn't so changed. Of course he found a woman to flirt with in recovery.

"Cos I'm the awesome Dean Winchester?" Dean replied cheekily. Yes this was him and Sam at their best.

"Jerk." Sam replied in the automatic at his brother's self-assurance.

"Bitch." Dean responded without thought and with a smile. It had been too long since he had said that to his brother. Cos that was their way of say that they loved each other. And by god how that was true.

"So tell me about her." Sam said with a smile on his face that he knew nothing could remove. He was back with his big brother. With his Dean.

"The bluest eyes you'll ever see. And messy curly black hair that is styled in the just got out of bed look." Dean replied searching his mind for someone he could pretend to be interested, though he refused to use pronouns. There were some lies he just couldn't keep up anymore, not after the fear that had gripped him before this meeting, and even if he wasn't telling the truth, at least, in that, he was lying. The only face that came to him was Cas', so hell, he went with that. He just hoped his brother didn't pick up on the resemblance of his 'supposed woman' to his doctor.

"Sounds good. So you going to hook up with her?" Sam asked the description completely bypassing him in its similarities to the doctor Castiel Novak. In his mind Dean was a ladies man through and through. The idea he could have a thing for Castiel never even crossed his mind. Hell it wasn't even in the possibility of his ideas.

"Nah. Not really the time or place you know?" Dean answered with a shrug, breathing out a sigh of relief that Sam didn't pick up on that, or the lack of pronouns.

"Yeah okay. I get that." Sam replied with a nod dismissing the woman from his mind as quickly as she had come to it. This was Dean after all. He no doubt would have a different chick to be chasing next week.

"So how about you? Any new cases on your desk?" Dean asked changing the subject to one he knew his brother couldn't refuse talking about.

"Oh man, there's this one-" And with that Sam slipped easily into a discussion of his work and Dean sitting across from him smiled. This was how it used to be between the two of them. They would met up for a drink and Sam would tell him about what he was working on, not that Dean would listen half the time, but he did love hearing the passion in his brothers voice. He was glad they could do this again. The only difference being that rather than a beer between them there was now coffee, and that was a difference he could deal with. He hoped.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank spnlluva, CaptainAckles, Tie-Dyed Broadway, linusfan13, IsabellaFaye11 and allfandoms3 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So here is the next chapter, when I first wrote this I was going to so it was a short one (I like to write the conversation first then put in he said plus thoughts bit), but now I'm guessing I need to say this is yet another long one. I am coming to the belief that with this story I can't write short chapters, seems a session doesn't fit into 1000-2000 words. Oh well, enjoy my sweets.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean entered Castiel's office at his next session with a slight spring in his step. Oh he knew he wasn't recovered or any of that shit yet, but he also knew that he would be. Sammy had belief in him, and was standing with him. For his brother he would do this. He had decided that while yeah, maybe he may have put too much into his and Sammy's relationship, for now, for this, that wasn't the worst thing. It gave him the strength to believe he would succeed. Add in the fact that Cas had told his brother none of the things he knew, well that made Dean realise that he had more than one person in his corner, though why the hell anyone should care about scrum like him he had no clue.

He refused to even think that maybe he should tell Sam about… It, that which he didn't want him to know. No matter what happened he knew he would never risk losing his brother by telling that. He didn't want to see any more disgust in his brother's eyes. He had seen enough of that when he was drinking. But those weren't the thoughts for now, now he was… okay. And that was good enough for him. He was okay. He hadn't drank since **that** night, and he was starting to realise that on occasions his first thought wasn't a drink. For instant he no longer always felt he needed one just because it was the beginning of a new day. And that was good. Hell that was freakin' fantastic in his mind. He was on the road and he was determined to continue along it until the end. He would do this. He had to do this. Failure was no longer an option. Sammy was depending on him. He had asked him to be best man. And he would be the best damn best man ever. That was his goal, and he would succeed, for Sammy.

Opening the door without any preamble Dean found Cas sitting in his usual seat and with an easy smile upon his lips he slipped into the one he always occupied in this office.

"Well, I'm guessing something good happened." Castiel commented watching Dean walk in with ease and a smile on his face. This was not the Dean who had entered his office before, and he really didn't want to destroy whatever it was that had given Dean his, release for want of a better word.

"Yeah, Sammy and I talked." Dean replied the smile turning more caring as he said that sentence.

"I take it that went well then." Castiel said with a smile to match the other mans. It seemed that Sam had taken it his advice.

"Yeah, he asked me to be best man." Dean replied a wide smile splitting his face that he couldn't hide. That his brother had put that trust in him, he still couldn't quite believe it, you know?

"That's brilliant Dean. I am glad that you have recovered your relationship." Castiel responded genuinely happy that the brothers had resolved their differences and were on their way to being better.

"Well, I think I owe you some thanks for that." Dean answered with a self-deprecating smile at that thoughts that had gone through his head when he had gone to meet Sam. about what this man could have told him

"Really? Why so?" Castiel asked confused by that sentence, he had done nothing after all. Just confirmed what Dean himself had told his brother.

"Well, you didn't tell him." Dean replied with a shrug as if it was no big deal when it was the biggest deal ever.

"What we discuss here is private Dean and will never go beyond me and you unless you tell someone." Castiel responded with complete sincerity, he was somewhat hurt that Dean didn't trust him not to tell Sam, but he should have expected that. He had to remember, Dean was his patient, not his friend, or anything else.

"I know that, now." Dean replied with a ruthful grin at the doctor. Hadn't he just said that?

"Good." Castiel responded with a nod of his head pulling himself together, to get back his professionalism. They were here for a reason, and that was the most important thing.

"So what's on the docket today Cas?" Dean asked when Cas said no more. He was in a pretty chipper mood, though he was wondering how long that would last.

"I wished to talk about the time after your father died." Castiel replied pulling himself together and back to the plan he had laid out for this session.

"What about it?" Dean asked going defensive automatically even if he did now trust Castiel.

"You said you were in the system for a while? How did that go?" Castiel asked, easing into the subject he really wanted to discuss, namely Dean's relationship with Bobby.

"Okay. I mean I was at a lot of different places." Dean responded warily. What was Cas getting at here? He had after all learnt that there was no such thing as a meaningless question from his doc.

"Why?" Castiel asked genuinely intrigued. Dean was only in the system for a few months after all.

"They split us up. I kept going to Sammy to make sure he was doing okay. They didn't like that so much." Dean responded with a chuckle as he remembered all the threats of beatings he got for slipping out after curfew. Like they would ever scare him, not after- Nope. Stick to the here and now.

"Ah. But other than that, it was fine?" Castiel asked wondering if Dean was beaten for his misbehaviour. I mean after his father's treatment of him, he would no doubt think that that was acceptable and would come under his heading of okay. He was alive, and that seemed to be Dean's definition of okay.

"I wasn't abused or any of that shit if that's what you mean Cas. Come on, it ain't all that bad. I mean there was this one guy, he was actually kinda nice." Dean defended, his mind going back to that guy. The only one to befriend the screw up he was at 16. He took the time to talk to Dean and everything. He was nice, gave Dean, something. Though he had no idea what.

"Oh, how so?" Castiel asked, glad that someone in Dean's childhood had showed him some kindness. Maybe if he had stayed with that man he would have managed to get through what his father had done to him.

"He let me help out round his garage, told me I was worth something." Dean responded still thinking about that man with a smile on his face as he remembered the tutorials he had given him about fixing cars. The two of them together under the hood of the car exploring an engine.

"What happened?" Castiel asked, wondering what had made this man fall out of Dean's life. It seemed to him as if that was just what he needed.

"When I went to Bobby's I snuck out to meet the guy and Bobby found out." Dean responded with a shrug, though Castiel could still see the pain in his eyes. He guessed Bobby did not approve of this man, though why he had no idea.

"And then?" he asked, hoping Dean would fill in the blanks that were now in his mind. Though he started to get a bad feeling about this man that Dean remembered so fondly.

"He didn't like him, told me he was grooming me or some shit like that. I told him it was complete bull but he wouldn't believe, he banned me from seeing him again." Dean responded in a tone of voice which said he couldn't care less, yet Castiel could still see the pain that that caused. And while it may have upset Dean he was inclined to believe the elder man's opinion of the man. And that would not have been someone that Dean should have been around, not after his father wearing his self-wroth to nothing.

"Is that the reason you don't think he will accept you?" Castiel asked changing the topic from the man. He couldn't truly make an assessment of him after all. It was in the past, but he knew that that would have a bearing on Dean and Bobby's relationship.

"One of them, yeah." Dean replied with a sigh. He knew that this wasn't going to be a fun conversation, but at least they had moved on from… the rest. He could deal with this. And he trusted Cas. He trusted that he could say anything and the guy wouldn't judge, and that alone was a revelation to him.

"And the others?" Castiel asked in that probing voice of his trying to get beneath Dean's mask. That while a lot thinner, was still there.

"Bobby's a man's man, you know? He's very like… it's just best the way it is." Dean responded giving as much as he could to answer the question.

"Best for who?" Castiel asked probing for that much more making Dean sigh once more before he spoke.

"Everyone. He doesn't have to deal with me, and I… I can deal with myself. Don't need anyone else to do now." He replied in a quite tone as he turned to look out of the window. This was something he did not want to discuss, but he knew, with that sign of weakness, Castiel would pounce and get it out of him. But he did not have to make it easy for the other man.

"What do you mean?" Castiel asked gently. They were going somewhere here. Somewhere painful and dark, but it was somewhere they needed to go.

"Nothing." Dean replied stubbornly. He was not talking about that.

"Dean." Castiel said in a soothing voice and yet the other man said not a word. Just kept looking out of the window and Castiel knew that he would not get anything out of him this way. Time to change his approach.

"What did you do when you left Bobby's?" He asked instead making Dean turn back to him sharply with a confused frown. Why had Cas given up on that line of questioning? He had thought he would probe and prod until Dean told him it all.

"Drove round the country. Working odd jobs to make ends meat." He replied still frowning in confusion.

"What sort of odd jobs?" Castiel asked genuine interested about what Dean did while he travelled the country.

"In bars, at garages, diners, you know that sort of thing." Dean responded with a shrug putting the other conversation from his mind. This he could talk about easily.

"And is that all?" Castiel asked, not with disbelief but genuine curiosity.

"I never sold my body if that's what you're asking Cas." Dean replied being blasé about what he thought the doc was getting at. Best to get that out in the open here and now. I mean why would he do that? He was scrum, dirt, evil, but he was not a whore. No matter what his dad had said. That was one thing he never was. He never took money for the favours he gave.

"It wasn't, but it's interesting your mind went there, why did it?" Castiel asked jumping on the fact that that was what Dean had replied. What had he been through that that was what he thought Castiel was getting at?

"Let's just say as a barman, I had more than one offer." Dean replied with a shrug, glossing over the fact that his dad had called him that more than once. No need to go there with Cas. He knew if he did he would have him reliving that shit again. And he really didn't need that right now.

"How did you feel, all alone like that?" Castiel asked changing the subject once more disorientating Dean.

"I don't' know. Better that way I guess." He replied before he could think to sensor his reply.

"How so?" Castiel asked once more probing further than Dean wished him to.

"No one would care if I died." Dean responded after a pause. He should have known they would come back here. He should have known that Cas hadn't given up, just chose a different route to his final destination.

"And did you ever try?" Castiel asked in a conversational tone. He did not want Dean to feel that this was a thing to be ashamed about.

"I thought about it." Dean replied once again turning to the window, though this time so he didn't have to look at Cas as he revealed yet another one of his many secrets.

"But did you ever go through with it?" Castiel asked conversationally. He knew if he used a gently tone Dean would pull up his mask and just sneer at him with a sarcastic comment, but if he showed no emotions? Dean might just respond.

"No." Dean replied simply still not looking at Cas. He knew that wouldn't be enough for the guy.

"Why not?" Castiel asked simply.

"Cos I couldn't… guess I was too weak." Dean responded in a whisper. He did not want to be talking about this. he didn't want to talk about the nights he had sat in some rat infested hole with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and his razor blade in the other, running in gently across his skin, feeling the power he had in his hand. The power to end it all. How he would sit there, running it backwards and forewords across his wrist, but he never broke the skin. He was too much of a coward to do that. So he would sit there and think about it. Think how it would feel to feel nothing. To have darkness and nothing more. And he would sit there and he would drink until he passed out, the razor blade and bottle still in hand. Only to wake the next day knowing he was a coward for not doing what he should the night before.

"I don't see that as a weakness Dean. I see that as you having something to live for." Castiel said breaking through his memories with a start. It made him catch his breath and realise that his pulse was racing. Even now, sitting in this room, he could feel the fathom blade in his hand. And the question once again go round his mind, should he have done it? Would it be better for everyone if he wasn't here anymore? If he had been asked a week ago, on **that** night, he would have said yes without question, but now, now he was talking to Sammy, he couldn't leave Sammy. Seemed Cas was right, he did have something to live for, his brother.

Castiel watched Dean in the silence that followed his statement. He had not expected a response, but he knew, from experience with people in Dean's condition, that he wasn't here right now. He was reliving those times. The darkest of times. He was not willing to pull Dean from them yet. He wanted him to find why it was he didn't do it. The reason he didn't end his life, then he would speak. And watching the man opposite him he saw the faint spark of life in his eyes and knew he had found his reason. It was time to pull him away from that, to something else.

"What was your relationship with Bobby like?" He asked into the silence making Dean turn to him.

"Okay I guess. I mean the guy had his rules and he was gruff, but… he was kind to Sam." Dean responded as if that was enough for him. Do what you liked to him, but be kind to Sam and you would have his respect.

"Was he kind to you?" Castiel asked. He already knew of Bobby and Sam's relationship. He wanted to know about was Bobby and Dean's.

"Maybe." Dean responded with a frown as he tried to remember how he and Bobby were. His mind was after all at that time on Sam alone.

"What do you mean?" Castiel asked with a tilt of his head hoping that Dean would elaborate.

"He used to yell at me when I did housework or the laundry. Telling me that that was his job and I needed to get a damn childhood." Dean responded with a frown as he remembered the amount of times the man had called him an idjit who needed to think about himself once in a while. At that time that was a seriously strange concept, of course thinking about it, even now it was a strange idea.

"And did you?" Castiel asked simply, though he was pretty sure he knew the idea. At that point he doubted Dean even knew how to be a child.

"I had one. Looking after Sammy. Bobby showed me he could do that so I left. Better him than me." Dean responded with a shrug. He had looked after Sam, that was what he did. And when Bobby did it better he knew he could leave him so he didn't corrupt him.

"How is it that now you talk to Sam?" Castiel asked with a puzzled frown. He would have thought with all that Dean wasn't saying, that he wouldn't go near his brother ever again.

"I found out he was a college, went to see him. See if he needed anything, you know?" Dean answered with a sigh. That was his greatest weakness. He had gone to his brother cos he couldn't be without him. And while Sam was a college, he was alone. He might have needed him.

"And did he?" Castiel asked in an even tone.

"He claimed he needed his big brother, so I stayed." Dean responded with a shrug of his shoulders. Sam gave him a reason to stop sitting in a dark room with a razor cos he needed his big brother. Simple as that.

"And you've been there ever since." Castiel said in understanding. Of course Dean's life was still constructed around his brothers, but he already knew that. What he was sure Dean did not know was that was one of the reason he started drinking so heavily. Because Sam didn't need him as much as he used to, but his still needed him so he couldn't leave. He was stuck in a limbo, and until he worked that out he would not find recovery easy. He needed to rethink his relationship with Sam.

"You bet. That's my job. To be there for Sammy." Dean responded absolutely confirming all of Castiel suspicions. He would have to work on that. But for now they needed to concentrate on Bobby.

"Have you ever considered trying to contact Bobby?" He asked wondering if the idea had ever crossed Deans mind.

"No." Dean replied simply. I mean why would he?

"Do you want to?" Castiel asked wondering just how Dean would respond to that. He got the distinct feeling that Dean rarely thought about what he wanted for himself.

"Why would I?" Dean asked confused. I mean, seriously, why?

"Because he is your family." Castiel stated simply making Dean's eyes widen. He had never thought of Bobby as family. Sam was family, he would do anything for family, but Bobby? Family? I mean… is he? Is he family? Yes, he was. He was his uncle. Had he been neglecting a member of his family? Had he deserted his family? For his own reasons, but still… had he failed his family?

"I don't… I can't…" Dean replied his breaths coming in short gasps as the thoughts flew through his mind. He had failed, he had failed his family. The one thing he had always prided himself on being good at. But he had failed. He was a failure.

"There is no need to do it now Dean. Just think about okay?" Castiel said in a soothing voice as he noticed Deans distress. He did not want to upset the man. He was sure that Bobby held no ill will against Dean, he was about to say this when he noticed Dean's breathing even out. Hopingly he had come to the same conclusion without Castiel's input.

Dean listened to Castiel's words and realised that they were true. He had not contacted Bobby in years. A few days to work out what he would say, what he would do, would make no difference. Cas was right, he needed to think about it.

"Okay." He finally replied once his heart rate was back to its usual steady beat.

"I think that's enough for today." Castiel responded reasoning that if they went much further Dean would break. And that would not be good, because when he broke, he drank, and that was something Castiel did not want him to do.

"Sure." Dean replied taking even breaths. He could get through this realisation, and he could get through it without alcohol he would not let Sammy down. Not this time.

"See you same time next week." Castiel responded with a nod, he would offer Dean his company but he had other patients to see. He could not just down tools for this man. Dean needed to learn to deal with these things on his own, and the rebuilding of his relationship with Sam seemed to give him more strength.

"Yeah see you Cas." Dean answered with a genuine smile. He did not want the guy worrying that he would get a call from some bar later that evening after all. Dean could do this. He would do this.

With that Dean got up and left Cas' office making his way to the corridor before he pulled out his phone. He would love nothing more than going to get wasted right now, but he couldn't, instead he did the next best thing. He texted his brother to see if it would be okay if he came round.

The minutes he waited for a reply seemed the longest in his life but when Sam responded in the affirmative, even saying that Jess was starting a pie right now, he left out the breath he didn't know he was holding. He had a reason not to drink again. And he would use whenever he needed to. It was better than the alternative after all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway, purple (Guest) and CaptainAckles for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

The week that had followed his last session had found Dean regularly pulling out his phone determined that this time he would call his uncle and sort out the mess he had made by turning his back on him, but every time he found himself instead calling his brother to arrange to meet up with him, be it at his house or for a coffee after work. It took a while but Dean did finally come to the realisation that the call to Bobby was one he couldn't make on his own. He would need someone there beside him, to support him, to catch him if he fell. That person used to be Sam, and while his brain automatically talked about his brother his heart knew that that wasn't who he needed this time round. No this time there truly was only one who could help him here, who wouldn't judge him for anything that was said or he did, who would be there for him no matter what. And that person was Cas. It was with this realisation that he walked determinedly through the door to the doctor's office for his next session, he moved to sit in his usual chair and opened his mouth to talk without permeable.

"I want to call Bobby, but I don't want to do it alone." He said with a lot more confidence that he actually felt. Maybe if he sounded that way he could make himself feel that way to.

Castiel had been waiting for Dean but he was rather surprised by his outburst as soon as he got through the door though it did amuse him slightly.

"Hello Dean, it is good to see you again." Castiel replied in a humorous, conversation tone making Dean just roll his eyes at him, but it did help him relax back and mould himself to the chair rather sitting with tension in all his muscles as he had been.

"Yeah, yeah. You to and all that. Will you be with me while I call my uncle?" He asked with a charming smile on his face that made Castiel's heart jump, damn the rebellious organ.

"Of course Dean. Would you like to do it now?" He asked firmly pushing any and all inappropriate thoughts deep down inside of him. He was here to help Dean, not make eyes at the man.

"Yeah, I think I would." Dean replied with a nod of his head as if he wasn't completely sure and was trying to convince himself of this course of action, even if it was the one he had planned all along.

"Very well." Castiel answered and then proceeded to sit there silently with his hands in his lap as he watched Dean bring out his phone and scroll down to a number, then he watched as the other man's finger hesitated over the call button, and yet it never went down to try to connect his phone to Bobby's.

"Dean?" Castiel asked, he had no need to say any more, Dean knew what he was asking when he said his name in that way.

"I can't do it." Dean replied with a frown as he looked down at the number on his phone. He wanted to force his finger to connect with the screen, but he just… he just couldn't. He was such a freakin' coward.

"Why not?" Castiel asked in a normal tone hoping to prevent Dean from getting frustrated with his lack of ability to make that call.

"What am I gonna say to the guy? I left years ago." Dean responded aggressively, he wanted to hurl his phone at the wall and make it shatter but he didn't, he would control that part of him. And Castiel watching him felt his heart go out to him. Dean was so scared that Bobby would reject him he wasn't sure he could even try to reach out.

"I would advise you start with hello." He said in a calm gentle tone hoping to get Dean to see the reason he was truly not yet making that call.

"Yeah, but after that? I mean, what do I say if he asked why I left?" Dean asked his frustration leaving him as quickly as it had come and instead it was replaced by the scared voice of a young man. The young man Dean had been the last time he had seen Bobby.

"What do you want to tell him Dean?" Castiel asked gently. If Dean had a plan of what he would say then maybe he would have the courage to make the call after all.

"Nothing. He doesn't need to know." Dean replied vehemently shaking his head in denial. He was not going to tell Bobby about… that part of him. No way, that was going to stay buried nice and deep where no one could ever find out about it. He had lost his father because of it, he would not lose anyone else. He could make sure he didn't corrupt anyone after all. Sam proved that. He was marrying Jess for god's sake. So it was fine, as long as no one knew, it was fine.

"Very well. May I suggest you discuss your problem and your recovery? Surely that will help him understand." Castiel ventured to suggest. He would like nothing more than for Dean to be open about his sexuality to at least one member of his family, but he understood that his belief that what he was was wrong was so far ingrained it would take a major shift to make him question the ideas his father had put into his head over years of abuse.

"Yeah, I can do that. Tell him I'm and alcy but getting help. Yeah okay." Dean nodded, he could work with that. He could. And yet he still didn't press call.

"Dean?" Castiel asked into the silence while Dean just looked at the phone in his hand.

"I can't… can you do it? Put it on speaker?" Dean finally asked holding the phone out to Castiel who understood. As such he took the phone without any argument.

"Of course Dean." With that he hit the call button and put the phone on loud speaker before placing it on the coffee table between him and Dean.

"Hello?" came a gruff voice down the phone after a couple of rings, it almost sounded as if this call was a personal affront to the man on the other end of the line.

"Hey Bobby, its Dean… Dean Winchester… your nephew." Dean replied in a voice which despite how much he tried to make it not do so, shook.

"I know who you are boy. What's happened?" Bobby asked after a beat of silence as if he was shocked by this turn of events. Which to be honest won't be that surprising, he hadn't spoken to Dean in over a decade after all.

"What? Nothing, I just thought it was time to call is all." Dean replied frowning down at the phone, though he should have guested that Bobby believed he would only call in an emergency, and that hurt him. That a member of his family felt that he didn't want to talk to them unless he had to. That was completely wrong in his mind. How had he let this happen? How could he had been so stupid?

"Right. So how you been?" Bobby asked when he realised that Dean wasn't calling cos Sam was in hospital or anything, but just to call. To try and rebuild bridges, and the bridge to him, in Bobby's mind at least, had always been open. He wasn't going to quiz the boy on why he had walked away. He had a pretty good idea as to the answer, he was just glad that Dean had picked up the phone finally. He wanted to be there for the boy he thought of as his own son. And he would be, now that Dean had made the first call nothing would keep Bobby from his life, not now, come hell and high water he would be there for the eldest Winchester. Just as he always had even if Dean hadn't known it.

"Okay, I guess." Dean replied breathing out a sigh of relief that Bobby wasn't questioning his call. Seemed the guy was going to let the years of non-communication pass, and that was good. Hell that was the best news he had heard all day.

"You guess." Bobby replied in a voice which just told Dean he was rolling his eyes and shaking his head at his inane answer, it was a tone that made him want to say more, explain more.

"Yeah well, I kinda went through a bad patch but I'm getting better now." He said as a way to get to what it was he had decided to tell his uncle.

At that Bobby growled. Of course he already knew, Sam kept him up to date on all of Dean's doings, or at least the ones the boy knew about. But Bobby knew that there was much that Sam had no idea of when it came to his brother.

"I'm an alcoholic, but I'm in a recovery program now." Dean replied taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, wondering if Bobby was going to call him a weak shit for becoming an addict. For not having the willpower to survive on his own.

"Good, need to sort yourself out, ya idjit." Was Bobby's response, spoken in a softer tone than the rest of his words, as if that sentence was meant to carry all the things he couldn't say to Dean. And it did. That was a tone Dean remembered from when he stayed at Bobby's, but it was one he had long since forgotten. One that said no matter what the guy cared and would be better for him. The way he always called him an idjit as if it was actually a term of endearment, which he guessed when it came to his uncle, it really was.

"Yeah I do." He replied with a smile of his own on his face and a soft look in his eyes as for the first time in so many years he felt like there was someone there for him, who wouldn't judge. Someone other than the man he was paying to do the same who was sitting opposite him at any rate. It was the feel of family.

"So program going well?" Bobby asked pulling them both out of the area that was getting decidedly mushy. Neither he nor Dean did that stuff so well after all.

"Umm yeah, I've got this doc who's pretty awesome actually." Dean replied smiling up at Cas as he spoke making Castiel smile back in return. He couldn't have not even if someone had a gun to his head. Dean looked almost happy and his eyes were twinkling with genuine warmth. It was the first time Castiel had seen this side of the man across from him, and he felt it was a long time since this Dean had been seen by anyone. It seemed Bobby was good for Dean, very good.

"Really? In my experiences shrinks are a waste of time and money." Bobby responded with a sound of surprise. He didn't have much time for head doctors after all, they made you talk about you feelings and shit like that, and he didn't do talking.

"Thank you." Castiel murmured, meaning for it to be under his breath but it seemed the phone was actually a rather good one because Bobby picked up on his voice if not his words.

"What was that? Who's with you?" he asked Dean without preamble. Subtly had never been his thing after all. Didn't see the point in it.

"Umm, my shrink Cas. Cas, Bobby." Dean replied with a chuckle as he gestured at the phone and smirked at his doctor who mock glared at him before speaking loud enough to be heard by the man on the other end of the line.

"Hello Bobby." He said in a friendly tone. He did not mind what the other man said about his profession or him for that matter, as long as he was there for Dean. That was what was important here.

"Cas hu? In my time we called you guy's doctor so-and-so." Bobby responded in a blasé tone. He didn't care if he had offended the guy, though hearing his friendly tone he guessed he hadn't. It probably took a lot to offend a guy in his profession after all.

"I am trying a less formal approach." Castiel replied with a smile at the phone. It seemed that Bobby had had his own experience with psychiatrists, and he was glad that he was being open about it in front of Dean. Hopefully making the other man realised there was nothing wrong with going to see one if it was needed.

"Less formal hu? And how's that working for you?" Bobby asked chuckling at the doc's response, he liked this guy. He was one of the good ones, he could tell. And not just cos of what Sam had told him about the man either. He seemed good for Dean, and that was what mattered here.

"It's more for my patients than me, but it seems to be working fine." Cas replied with a humorous tone. He liked Bobby, for all he was gruff and blunt, he cared for Dean. And that was the most important thing in his mind.

"Hmm, you don't sound so bad. And if your helping my nephew-" Bobby responded in a tone that told Castiel that he now had this guy's support, if he ever needed anything he would get it, cos he was helping Dean. And that humbled him. He was just doing his job after all. Even if a small voice at the back of his mind whispered that when it came to Dean he was doing a bit more than his job, he chose to ignore that fact.

"He is Bobby, he really is." Dean cut in before Bobby could say anything else embarrassing to Cas. I mean Bobby had that tone as if he was going to start telling stories about him when he lived with him, and that was something he really didn't think Cas needed to hear, like ever.

"Good. So what else is happening in your life boy? Got yourself a job?" Bobby asked changing the subject though he was intrigued about why Dean cut him off. It seemed Dean and this Cas had more than a professional relationship, which was fine in his mind. Within reason of course. There were rules for doctors for a reason but he didn't think Cas would cross any of them. He seemed a stand-up guy.

"Umm, yeah I work at the local garage, have done for a few years now." Dean replied with a smile as they discussed inconsequential things, catching up on the years they had missed.

"That's good, that you've settled somewhere. So, any partner, or special someone in your life?" Bobby asked. He had wondered, when Sam told him that Dean had got worse, if it was because he had broken up with his partner or something, and if it had been that he knew that Sam would never have found out. Dean never shared that side of himself with anyone.

"Nah, not right now. You know me, can't stick to just one." Dean replied in a cheeky slightly forced tone. He would never have that kind of relationship. He was scrum, and scrum did not settle down happily with other scrum. They were cast out and made to live alone for all their lives. That was just the way it was, and it was something he had accepted a long time ago. But still, even now, there were times when he wished that things could be different. Watching Sam and Jess, he would, on occasion, find himself wishing he could have that too, but that was never going to be.

"Yeah well, I'm sure the right guy will come along eventually." Bobby responded in an encouraging tone and Dean who wasn't truly paying attention to his words, he was so used to the platitudes of Sam that he would find the right girl eventually, that it took a second for him to realise just what Bobby had said.

"Yeah I'm sure he- wait, what did you just say?" He asked, cos surely Bobby hadn't just said… guy, had he? Did he know? What the hell?

"That the right guy will come along eventually? You're still batting for that team right?" Bobby asked hoping he hadn't just put his foot in it. He hoped that it hadn't just been a phase with the boy, but he was pretty sure that it hadn't. He would have bet everything he had that Dean was gay through and through and nothing would change that.

"But… what?... how? What?... you know?" Dean replied breathlessly, trying and failing to process what Bobby was telling him. Cos he couldn't. That couldn't be possible. I mean why was he even talking to him if he knew what he truly was? I mean … how? Why? What the hell?

"Kid, I looked after you as a teenager, it was kinda obvious." Bobby responded gently. He didn't want to upset the boy, though it seemed he had done just that. Damn he had thought Dean would be glad that someone knew without him having to tell them.

"But… why?" Dean asked in a strangled voice, forcing the words out between his closing throat.

"Why what Dean? What's going on?" Bobby asked alarmed by this turn of events. What had happened? Why was Dean being like this? He had thought that Dean hadn't told him the truth because he knew his brother and he knew that John would never have accepted it. He thought that Dean had thought he was the same and he wanted to make sure that the boy knew that he was wrong. He would accept Dean no matter what. He was like his son and he loved him. He had thought that was why Dean had never called him. Cos he didn't want to be rejected, and he had let that stand, but it seemed there was something more, much more going on here and he had no idea what it was.

But Dean didn't reply, he was to busy trying to breath, trying to stop himself from passing out even as the black spots started to dance in front of his eyes. This was too much. Bobby knew, Bobby had always know, and yet… and yet, he had never treated him as his father had. What… what did that mean? What would happen now? He had Bobby back… but surely now he knew he knew, he would want him gone right? I mean why would Bobby want anything to do with him? And yet… there was the simple fact that Bobby had always known. Always, and yet never once tried to teach him what he truly was. What did that mean? What was happening?

Dean sat there breathing short sharp breaths and blinking as his mind whirled around the revelation his uncle had just given him and Castiel watched on. He wasn't sure what he could do but he knew that with this Dean needed time. As such he turned to the phone on the coffee table and spoke.

"Bobby I think it would be best if Dean called you back later. He has a lot to process right."

"Right. I'll wait to hear from him… and hey doc, look after him." Bobby replied with worry in his tone. He didn't know what was going on, but he had an idea and he knew if his brother had still been alive he would kill him for his suspicions. But right now they needed to concentrate on Dean and the underlying tone of caring in Cas' voice convinced him that the doc was the right one to do it right now.

"Of course." Castiel replied. With that he cut off the call and went to Dean unsure of what to do. Well he knew what he wanted to do and that was to wrap his arms around Dean and tell him everything would be fine, but he wasn't sure if he should. That was until he saw Dean's face and saw the tears streaking down his cheeks. He had never truly seen Dean cry before, not like this, with heavy breathing as if he couldn't get in enough air, as if he was drowning, and that was enough to break every resistance and rule he had and quickly go and wrap Dean in his arms.

And Dean well he turned to the comfort that Castiel offered and grabbed him as if he was a lifeline, crying into his shoulder for all he was worth, as he felt all his beliefs and the thoughts his father had drummed into him start to shake and break. Bobby's accepting words had released a tidal wave inside of him as he flashed through all he had seen about gays in the world, and how there were those out there who didn't think they deserved to die. The ones he had ignored and walked away from, believing they were wrong, but what if… what if they had been right all along? What if it was his dad who was wrong? With that thought he lost control over his body as he released years of pent up feelings in one great whoosh onto his doctors shoulder.

And as he slid off his chair to the fall Castiel followed him, making such that Dean was secure in his arms. And as they sat on the floor clinging together Castiel found himself rocking side to side and holding Dean as close as he could, hoping to help the man through this time. And all the while he didn't once even consider that what he was doing may be wrong, or too close, all he knew was that Dean needed him and he would be there for him. It was then he realised that no matter what he would always be there for Dean. His physical attraction it seemed had started to go a lot deeper then he had ever meant it to, but he really couldn't bring himself to care right then. He would deal with that later, for now he would comfort Dean as his world crashed down a round his ears and try to help him build a new, happier one, where he learnt he was worth something, to many people.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello all. I would like to thank linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway, IsabellaFaye11, CaptainAckles and spnlluva for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured this story since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So here is the next chapter, its shorter than the others in this story, but don't worry I have another lined up as well. So enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

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When Dean came back to himself or at least an awareness of himself, he found he was kneeling on the floor and leaning against the very solid chest of his doctor being rocked gently. For half a second Dean allowed himself the luxury of being held in warm arms, of having gentle hands stroking soothing patterns into his back and to hearing Castiel's deep voice mumbling incomprehensible words into his hair. For just a moment he allowed himself to relax. But enough now, he wasn't some crybaby who needed coddling, he was fine. With that thought he pulled back from Cas, though he didn't try to move from the floor. One step at a time and all that.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asked with a comforting smile as he sat back on his heels, and while his arms may had fallen from around Dean, his hands were still gently gripping his biceps, though whether either of the two men were truly aware of this fact was unclear.

"Honestly Cas. I ain't really sure how to answer that." Dean replied with a shake of his head. His mind was still whirling around the revelation that Bobby had always known what he truly was, and yet it did not seem to bother him.

"Understandable, what are you planning to do with the rest of your evening?" Castiel asked, he then cringed when he realised how that sounded. He had just wanted to make sure Dean was going to be okay, have someone there for him, to look after him. But he knew to the other man that would sound as if he was accusing him of planning on going out and getting drunk. Way to go Castiel.

"Why?" Dean asked defensively pulling away from Cas so the doctors hands fell to his own knees.

"I don't want you going through this alone." Castiel replied trying to explain though he doubted it would do any good. Dean was well on the way to lashing out at him.

"You think I'm going to throw myself at the first bar? That it Cas?" Dean asked the sarcasm dipping from his voice making Castiel close his eyes briefly as he tried to think of the right words to say.

"No Dean. I just want to make sure that for once, there is someone who will take care of **you**. What you have heard from Bobby is no doubt a difficult thing to process." He finally responded sincerity ringing in his voice making Dean break eye contact with him and look down at the carpet as if it was the most intricate pattern in the world.

"Yeah, sorry, for well -" He finally replied into the silence, he knew Cas wasn't implying he couldn't control himself. That wasn't what Cas had ever done, or would ever do. His brain was just... so god damn muddled right now, he couldn't think straight.

"There is no need to apologise Dean." Castiel rushed to interrupt. Dean had nothing to apologise to him for. It was his mistake that brought up Dean's defences after all. He should have handled it better. Hmm, time to change the subject.

"Are you going to see Sam?" Castiel asked the man in front of him. Dean needed someone to care for him right now, and in Castiel's mind at least, his brother would do that very well.

"No I can't... not with... this." Dean replied still not looking at Cas. I mean how was he to go to his brother and say that he needed taking care of without telling him why? And just because Bobby knew, there was no way he was going to tell Sam as well. He needed to work out what Bobby knowing meant first. Then, well, then he would have to see where the rest of his life lay.

"Of course, then maybe you and I can go and get a coffee? though it may be best if we get you a herbal tea." Castiel suggested, trying to think of a way that Dean wouldn't be alone, and if he wouldn't go to Sam, then Castiel would be there for him instead.

"I would Cas, I really would like that, its just... I'm not sure if I feel ready to go out in public, if you know what I mean? I'm still... kinda dazed." Dean responded finally looking up from the carpet and into Cas' eyes with a puzzled frown on his face as if not sure that dazed was the right word, but it was the only one he could come up with. All he knew for certain was if they went out around other people he would spend the whole time worried that they were staring at him. That they could read his every secret on his face. And that was something he couldn't do.

"I understand Dean. I have tea at my apartment if you would like to come back with me." Castiel suggested going for broke. Well it wasn't like it would be the first time Dean had been to his place after all. And they were friends, or at least Castiel thought they were friends.

"Isn't that a bit weird Cas? You inviting your patient home for tea?" Dean asked trying to make it sound derogatory, but Castiel could hear the underlining hope in his voice. No matter what Dean may say, he didn't want to be alone, and he wanted to come to Castiel's for tea. That hope alone made Castiel smile.

"Your not just my patient Dean, I like to think of you as my friend as well." He replied the smile not just on his lips but in his eyes also, and looking into them Dean felt something inside him constrict, but in a good way. It was a good feeling, even if he really didn't understand what it meant.

"Oh, then okay. Lets go back to yours." He managed to get out of his lips, even if the words were spoken barely above a whisper. He wasn't completely sure what was going on here, but his world was definitely shifting.

"Good. But first I have some paper work I need to do, so why don't you sit back down in the chair while I finish up." Castiel replied standing and holding out his hand for Dean to help him off of the floor.

"Yeah sure." With that Dean placed his hand in Castiel's and rose shakily from the ground before moving back into the chair.

"I feel like Bambi." He said with self-deprecating humour as he realised that his whole body was shaking uncontrollably.

"How so?" Castiel asked, tilting his head in that way he did when he wanted an answer so he could understand.

"Can't stand up straight." Dean explained concisely. He hoped Cas didn't ask for any more of any explanation than that.

"Ah, I shouldn't be long." With that Castiel went to his desk and sat behind it pulling papers to him as he picked up his pen and wrote. And Dean watching him found it strange seeing him behind the desk for once. I mean normally for Dean he was sitting across from him. And so Dean settled in to watch Cas work, anything was better than letting his brain think right now, and much better than trying to work out just how what Bobby told him changed his world view.


	13. Chapter 13

**hello again my dears. Now what can I say, being British I'm a firm believer in the theory that a nice cup of tea will help in all situations. So lets see how it does for Dean and Cas shall we?**

 **I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

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It was no more than half an hour later when Dean and Castiel where pulling up outside Castiel's apartment, the doctor had insisted on driving them both, saying that he would take Dean back to his car when Castiel felt he was ready and able to drive. And no matter what Dean said he wouldn't budge on that, which irritated the hell out of Dean no end. Though not enough for him to storm off. Plus he knew his baby would be fine in the secure parking lot of the doc's office.

Getting out the car in silence Dean followed Cas to the front door and up the stairs. It was strange, he only vaguely remembered his last trip up here, though he definitely remembered the waking up, in Cas' bed, wearing his underwear and not much else. Yeah that's not going to leave his mind any time soon. But this time he was here for a completely different reason.

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Making his way inside Castiel took Dean's coat and hung in up in the cupboard and led him to the living room before he spoke.

"so what kind of tea would you like? my brother swears by camomile for when he's feeling a little... disconnected." Castiel said in a friendly tone smiling at Dean as he looked around the room feeling slightly uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what to do here.

"Your brother a health freak?" Dean asked frowning at him. Sam was like that, with his flavoured green teas or whatever crap it was.

"Hardly, more of a sugar one nowadays." Castiel replied with a chuckle, not that Dean understood the joke. As such he gave him a look of puzzlement.

"Hu?"

"Let me get the tea. And I'll explain." Castiel replied with a smile. With that he left Dean in the room alone while he made his way to the kitchen to get them both a nice cup of tea.

Dean looked around the room, intrigued about what he could find out about Cas from the things he owned. And he discovered a few things, the first being he was an avid reader, or at least he guessed he was with the number books he had on the shelves and how worn they all looked. It was strange cos they were all on different subjects as well, it was kinda like Cas would read anything and everything he could get his hands on. The other main thing he noticed was the lack of alcohol, not that he was searching for any you understand, its just, when he was ever in the room with a bottle he could usually spot it without half trying, I mean at Sam's he always found his brothers hiding place for the booze within like 30 seconds of walking through the door, it was kinda his superpower, alcohol location. But here, at Cas' he couldn't find away anywhere, which was kinda strange. I mean its not like Cas knew he was coming round or anything, and as far as Dean knew he wasn't a recovering alcy himself, so why no drink? It was at this point that Castiel returned with two steaming mugs.

"Here you are." He said placing one containing a yellowish looking liquid in front of Dean who was now sitting on the couch, making him stare back at Cas with his eyebrows raised.

"Give it a try. Trust me." Castiel said at Dean's dubious look of disbelief. He knew it looked nasty, but it tasted good and hopefully it would help Dean relax. With that thought he settled into his usual chair and watched Dean's face as he studied the contents of the mug warily.

"Fine, but only if you tell me why you don't got no alcohol here." Dean responded picking up the mug cautiously as if not sure that it wouldn't bite him.

"Why were you looking for any?" Castiel countered with. He didn't think Dean was looking for a drink, to drink, as it were. But he was intrigued about how Dean knew there was none in his apartment.

"I wasn't, I still usually manage to find it." Dean responded with a shrug and decidedly to appease Cas and take a sip of the tea. It wasn't that bad tasting actually, hot, but not that bad.

"Well you won't here." Castiel replied hiding his smirk at Dean taking a second sip of tea behind his own mug.

"Why not?" Dean asked relaxing back into the couch.

"I don't keep drink or anything stronger than Tylenol in my house." Castiel replied simply.

"Why not?" Dean asked again. He wanted to know why it was that Cas did that. I mean that really wasn't that normal.

"Force of habit I suppose. My brother and I lived together while he was in recovery, I soon leant that I could hide nothing from him. As such it was easer just not to have it at home." Castiel replied amiably. He was happy to tell this story if Dean wanted to hear it. It was a big part of who he was and why he did what he did after all.

"Your brother's an addict?" Dean asked in disbelief. Cas had an addict for a brother? I mean really? He seemed like such a normal guy.

"Yes, though drugs rather than alcohol." Castiel responded with a smile at Dean as if he knew exactly what was going through Dean's mind.

"What happened? If you don't mind me asking." Dean asked. The idea of hearing another's story, of hearing about someone who succeeded in getting better. Yeah, that Dean thought could very well help keep his mind from the crazy swirling round it at present.

"Not at all, and I know Gabriel won't mind me sharing." Castiel replied with a smile at his brothers name that made Dean return it. He liked that Castiel involuntarily smiled when he said Gabriel, that showed that they loved each other as brothers should. With that Castiel got himself comfortable so he could tell Dean his story, and Dean, realising this could be a long one, followed his lead.

"I am the youngest for four brothers, though the elder two are a lot older than Gabriel and I, and as such we never had much to do with them as children. Our parents are very business people, and so Gabriel and I were raised by a string of nannies, the only thing instilled in us by mother and father was the fact that we needed to get good grades to get into good colleges and then go on to get good, professional jobs.

At four years my senior Gabriel was my hero, and I followed him everywhere, and tried to do everything he did. Therefore it seemed perfectly natural to me to follow him to Harvard and into medicine. But when I got there I realised that the Gabriel I knew wasn't the same any more. He was forever out partying, and I was forever going to pick him up from bars, clubs, other peoples homes, and dragging him back to our shared apartment. But I never really thought much of it. I was never one for partying, I preferred to stay home with a good book, and Gabriel always was the life and soul of everywhere he went. So it never crossed my mind that there was something wrong with him.

Or at least it didn't until I got a call from the emergency department to inform me my brother had been admitted with a serious drug overdose, it was touch a go for a while, but he pulled through. It was then he told me how it all started. It had first been cocaine, to help him through the double shifts, then the ecstasy and LSD while out partying because it helped him forget, and made him feel like a god. After long discussions between the two of us, none of the rest of the family cared, Gabriel agreed to join a program and get help with his addiction. And so with a little bit of persuasion, and the use of our family, name I got him into the best program in the state run by the best psychiatrist. It took a while, but he got better, he recovered, and I changed my major from medicine to psychiatry with the aim to help others like him." Castiel explained succinctly, though Dean knew he was missing a lot out of that tale, but he got the main points and could extrapolate the rest from his own experiences with his addiction.

"What does he do now? He still a doctor?" Dean asked, wondering what had happened to Gabriel once he was better.

"No. he decided to pursue his true love and became a chef. He now owns the bakery round the corner from my office, he likes to claim he swapped his addiction for drugs with an addiction for sugar. Now I see him every morning as I get coffee and a pastry, in fact if I don't go in and get it he brings it to me in the office claiming that I have to eat a good breakfast. I have had tried to tell him that I don't think pastries count as such but he just argues that it works for the French." Castiel replied chuckling at the eccentricity's of Gabriel making Dean smile at him fondly.

"He sounds like a good brother." Dean said. He could see the love shining in Cas' eyes as he spoke of Gabriel.

"He is, one of the best. Though I think its more his way of trying to thank me for helping him, not that he needs to." Castiel replied with a shrug as if the reasoning didn't truly matter.

"Na, it's his way of making up for not being there when he was high all the time. He may not have been able to look out for you then, but he can now." Dean responded simply. It was obvious to him, but maybe that was because he was an older brother himself, he saw it differently to Cas.

"Speaking from personal feelings?" Castiel asked raising his eyebrows at Dean in a joky manor, though there was a seriousness to his question.

"Something like that. So he make pie at all?" Dean asked deflecting away from him. He wasn't here to have a session thank you very much.

"The best in the city." Castiel replied understanding and accepting Dean's decision. As he had told him, he wouldn't shrink him out of the office, unless he wanted him to. And being as they were talking about Dean he doubted he ever would.

"Hmm, might just have to make my way to his bakery at some point then." Dean responded smirking at the idea of trying the best pie in the city as according to Cas.

"I'll be going there tomorrow morning if you want to join me. I know Gabriel would be happy discuss any questions you may have. Another addicts perspective is sometimes better than mine, or at least, that is what he tells me." Castiel replied taking a deep breath and hoping he hadn't pushed to far. He would like Dean to met Gabriel, he felt they would get on very well. And it would be good for Dean, to see how normal recovering addicts can be, well if you can call Gabriel normal at any rate.

"Be a bit strange, going home and coming back again in the morning." Dean replied with a frown. He would really like to met Cas' brother. He was right, it would be nice to know someone else who had been through what he was going through, and he really needed Cas to be there to introduce them. But it did seem a bit weird to go and come back again.

"You can stay here if you wish Dean. I do not mind." Castiel responded resolutely keeping his voice as even and light as he could, even if his heart was pounding at the idea of having Dean in his home for the night, having him where he could watch over him.

"This couch does seem very comfortable." Dean answered with a smirk as he bounced up and down on the seat.

"It is. I've slept on it more than once, believe me." Castiel replied with relief that Dean didn't seem to pick up on any of his other thoughts, the ones which where not so innocent when it came to the man sitting on his couch. Those thoughts that he really needed to push down and away from his mind.

"Cool."

With that Dean lay down and stared up at the ceiling, his mind whirling from the new information that Cas' brother was an addict. They, he and Cas, seemed to have a similar relationship to him and Sam. If they could work it out, surely he and his brother could as well right? With that thought Dean felt his eyes closing, his mind and body worn out by the emotional turmoil of the day.

And Castiel, sitting in his favourite chair reached over and picked up his current book though he didn't open it. Instead he watched Dean sleep, noticing how at peace he looked when in slumber. And when Castiel got up to go to his own bed he made sure to cover Dean with a blanket before he turned out the lights.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hell my dears. I would like to thank spnlluva, CaptainAckles, linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway and IsabellaFaye11 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have favoured and followed since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel was fast asleep when he awoke abruptly, trying to work out what it was that had pulled him from slumber. Then he heard it. A whimpering sound coming from his livingroom. He was out of bed and on his way before his mind had time to fully process what was going on. Getting to the doorway he could see the outline of Dean squirming on the couch. As he watched he heard a strangled cry come from Dean's mouth, the words sounding like he was begging someone to stop. He couldn't take it anymore. Without further thought Castiel crossed the livingroom so he was kneeling by the side of the couch grabbing Dean's shoulder to try and wake him, only to have Dean shrink from him.

"No Dean, it's okay. You're safe now. Safe here with me, I promise." He whispered over and over again as he tried to get a purchase on the other man so he could wake him. He finally found his hands on either side of Dean's face and as such pulled Dean's head towards his own and raised his voice, hoping that it would wake Dean from his nightmare.

"Dean."

At his name being called in a deep voice Dean's eyes flew open, yet he didn't understand, on minute he was back there, with his father, and now he was staring into the most bluest eyes he had even seen. They were so close to his own. They had saved him, and he didn't want to go back there.

"Help me." He whimpered out as the memories of his father still floated at the edge of his mind. Threatening to crash back over him.

"It's okay Dean. I've got you. No one is going to hurt you now." Castiel murmured stroking Dean's face and smiling at him sadly. And in that moment Castiel knew that if Dean really looked he would see his true feelings for him shining out of his eyes. But he didn't care, he just wanted to help Dean.

"I don't want to be alone." Dean murmured in response, he was still feeling half asleep, he wasn't sure whether this was real or just a wonderful dream.

"Okay Dean. That's okay. Come with me." Castiel replied softly standing and holding out his hand to the other man. If Dean didn't want to be alone he wouldn't be. It was that simple.

"Okay." Dean answered in a voice which sounded a bit like a lost little child's. With that he placed his hand in Castiel's and found himself being led back to Castiel's bedroom. Once there he stood still while Cas removed his outer clothing and then guided him into his bed. Dean lay down with his back to the other side of the bed, he didn't want it to get weird with Cas, but he really didn't want to be alone. And Castiel seeing Dean lying with his back to him lay down next to him and wrapped his arms around him from behind.

"It's okay Dean. I have you. Your safe now." He whispered into the other man's ear, and that was all Dean needed to here, within seconds he was fast asleep. And Castiel taking note of his even breathing bent his head forwards so he could plant a sweet kiss on Dean's t-shirt covered shoulder.

"I will always have you Dean, I promise. Sweet dreams." He whispered with longing before closing his eyes as well and returning to his dreams.

* * *

Dean woke the next morning to find himself encased in warmth and his pillow seemed to be moving up and down and be really warm. What the hell?

"Good morning Dean." Came words floating down from above him. Words he would swear his doc had uttered. At that memories from the previous night started to float into his mind making his close his eyes again. Though this time in mortification.

"Cas." He whispered. Not sure what else he wanted to say, he couldn't think of anything but how messed up he had been the night before. Why was he so weak?

"Don't worry. You had a nightmare, it seemed easier for us to share a bed." Castiel said in an understanding voice compelling Dean to look up at him and see a friendly smile on his face. There was no awkwardness in Cas' words or actions, so maybe it was okay. Maybe he could survive this.

"Right, umm, okay. I didn't you know… do anything… while asleep right?" Dean asked just to make sure he hadn't made a complete fool of himself.

"No Dean. You were the perfect gentleman." Castiel replied with a small chuckle trying to defuse Dean's tension.

"Right, good, that's good." Dean replied not really sure what to do now. I mean he was still lying practically on top of Cas here. He should probably move before any other parts of him woke up and decided to join the party. With that thought Dean could feel the stirring in his boxers and as such moved very quickly off of Cas so that he was lying next to the other man.

And Castiel, well he mentally bemoaned the loss of Dean on top of him, but he agreed it was probably for the best. He did not want Dean to realise his feelings for him after all, nor did he want Dean to be embarrassed. He was his doctor and his friend, nothing more. It couldn't be anything more, not while Dean was seeing him for addiction. And he studiously ignored the little voice in the back of his mind which whispered, but what about after that?

Dean lay there trying to keep his breathing even and calm. And make his morning visitor go down. Once he felt like he had got it under control he turned to face Cas only to find the other guy watching him. He hoped that Cas hadn't seen what he was trying to do on his face. That would be as embarrassing as hell.

"So what's the plan then Cas?" He asked in a slightly forced voice. This was seriously weird. I mean he had never actually woken up in the same bed as a guy before. Well except Sam when they were kids, and that didn't count, he was his brother.

"Well we should probably get up and get dressed then make our way to the bakery, we can pop in and see Gabriel before I take you to pick up your car." Castiel replied smiling at Dean hoping to make him feel less uncomfortable, though this was a strange situation for him as well. Dean was after all still his patient.

"Sounds good." Dean replied with his charming smile mask making Castiel roll his eyes at him and then roll out of bed. It was time he went and had a shower. And Dean couldn't help himself, he watched Cas as he moved around the room collecting clothes and a towel without any inhibition, taking in every curve and muscle shown through Cas' light tee and boxers. His doc really did have the finest body he had ever seen.

* * *

They finally were dressed and on their way to meeting Gabriel. Neither of them spoke on the journey, both trying really hard not to think about how they had woken up this morning, and how much they might just like to do it again. Castiel because he was Deans doctor for god's sake, and Dean because there was no way that Cas was like him. What had happened was embarrassing enough, no need to compound such foolishness by thinking anything could ever happen between the two of them. He was going to end up alone, he knew that. He needed to accept it.

"Well good morning Cassie, you're late. Though now I can see you have a very good reason for being so." Said a voice as soon as they enter the bakery. Looking up Dean saw a short man with wavy golden hair smiling at Castiel. It almost looked as if his face was lit up by the sight of him. This could only be Cas' brother.

"Gabriel this is my friend Dean, Dean my brother Gabriel." Castiel said with a smile for his brother though he did roll his eyes at where Gabriel's mind had obviously gone.

"Well hello Dean-o. So tell me how do you know my little brother?" Gabriel asked in a conspiratorial whisper leaning on the counter while smirking Castiel.

"He's my therapist." Dean replied. He had no idea what was going on here after all.

"WHAT?" Gabriel demanded turning to Castiel glaring at him as if he had done something wrong.

"Gabriel, behave. Dean and I are friends." Castiel replied returning the glare full force. He knew his brother thought that he and Dean had been getting up to naughty things and he knew that that was something his brother would not approve of him doing with his patients, just as he didn't. Hippocratic Oath and all that.

"Right and you bring all your **friends** in here for breakfast. Try again bro." Gabriel replied with sarcasm and a roll of his eyes. He wasn't stupid, Cassie liked this guy and that was just not going to well, for anyone, if they had a relationship while Cassie was his therapist.

"Gabriel, it's not like that." Castiel replied with a sigh. Why did his brother think the worst here?

"Not like what?" Dean asked completely confused by the conversation that was going on between the brothers. He was seriously missing something here.

"Cassie here is trying to persuade me you didn't just spend the night with him." Gabriel replied waggling his eyes at Dean, though he really didn't expect the response that got.

"What? I... " Dean asked feeling his heart rate speed up. How did Gabriel know he was... that?

"Ignore him Dean. My brother lives with his head in the gutter." Castiel growled at Gabriel as he gently squeezed Dean's arm to ground him. That was the last thing he wanted Gabriel to say. Hmm, maybe he should have phoned his brother before this meeting, but the idea that Gabriel would think him and Dean were a thing had never really crossed his mind.

"What? Is it my fault if you bring a handsome man here and I jump to certain conclusions?" Gabriel replied flippantly as he saw Dean's reaction. There was something there, and he didn't want to be the reason that the guy, who apparently was an addict of some kind, relapsed. So he decided to lay all the fault at his brother's door. He knew Castiel would happily take it after all.

"But why-?" Dean asked in an almost whisper. He still didn't understand how Gabriel could work out he was such scrum. I mean, what did the guy mean? Was that his way of saying he didn't deserve to recover because he was gay, did he really deserve to just die?

"Because I'm hoping Cassie will actually have a relationship with said handsome man." Gabriel replied when he saw the horror going through Dean's eyes. He had no idea what was going on, but he would do whatever he could to make it better. This guy obviously had a thing with being gay. Maybe if he implied, heavily, that Cassie was gay then it would all be good.

"What? Are you-?" Dean asked turning to Cas with a look of complete astonishment because it wasn't possible right? There was no way his doc was like him, right? I mean scrum did not become doctors, hell they shouldn't even be alive, right?

"Yes Dean. I am gay." Castiel said in a simple calm voice as if it was of no consequence.

"Really?" Dean asked barely able to breathe. Cas was gay?

"Yes really." Castiel replied putting as much sincerity as he could in his voice. Hoping that it would help Dean realise that being gay was not something to be ashamed about.

"Oh." Was all Dean said. He wasn't sure he could process this. First there was Bobby saying he accepted his sexuality and now he discovered his doc was gay too? His doc who he had spent the night with in bed. Oh god, what the hell?

"So what can I get for you both?" Gabriel asked deciding now was a really good time to change the subject. Dean looked like he was about to pass out.

"Coffee and pie would be good. I just need to use the toilet, okay?" Castiel replied smiling at Gabriel but watching Dean out of the corner of his eye. He could see that the man was trying to process all he had learnt.

"Sure." Gabriel nodded.

With that Castiel left, he had hoped that his time away would give Dean time to talk to Gabriel, but after what the man had just found out, he wasn't so sure that was going to work.

Gabriel watched Castiel leave, he knew that he wanted to give him a chance to speak to Dean, as such he turned to the man who had a look of complete confusion on his face. He guessed it had something to do with the gay thing, but that was something Gabriel couldn't help the guy with. What he could discuss was addiction, on that he was most definitely an expert. As such he decided to pull the guy back to him. It never was good to dwell on things after all.

"So if Cassie's your therapist, what's your poison?" He asked with a smile. There would be no condemnation from him after all.

"Alcohol." Dean answered pulling his mind from his thoughts. He had wanted to meet this guy so they could talk and Cas had left them alone. Now seemed the perfect time.

"Mines drugs." Gabriel replied with a shrug and a half smile as if to say aren't we both just great screw ups.

"Um yeah. Cas said." Dean replied returning the smile. He didn't know what it was about Gabriel, but he found himself liking him, connecting, maybe because he was the first self-confessed addict he had met. But whatever, it was good to know he wasn't alone.

"So how's recovery going?" Gabriel asked simply as he went to work on Dean and Castiel's order, though he did watch Dean out of the corner of his eye so he could see his response.

"Okay, I think. You know, has its ups and downs." Dean responded with a shrug, he wasn't sure what to say to that.

"Yeah tell me about it. And I mean that. You ever need to talk, I'm here." Gabriel replied placing two take-away coffees on the counter and looking deep into Dean's eyes so he could see that he really did, he really mean that if he ever needed to talk he was there for him.

"Thanks." Dean responded with a smile. He had never really thought that there were people out there who understood what he was going though. It was strange, but good. It was good to know there was someone he could talk to if he ever needed it. Someone other than Cas that was.

"No need to thank me, sure you'd do the same. Plus you got the best damn therapist in the state, so you'll do fine." Gabriel replied the seriousness disappearing as quickly as it had come and Dean was thankful for that as well.

"Yeah, on that I think I'll have to agree with you." Dean replied with a nod.

It was at that point that Castiel returned and the conversation turned more general and friendly, Dean relaxing in the presence of both Cas and Gabriel enjoying watching the brotherly banter between them. And as Dean and Castiel were leaving Gabriel grabbed Castiel's arm, pulling him close so they could talk privately.

"Be careful Cassie." He murmured quietly. He wasn't stupid, he could see the attraction between Dean and Cas and he would be all for it if the situation were different. There were rules for a reason, and even if he was no longer a doctor, he agreed with some of them. Mainly the one that doctors don't get involved with their patients.

"We are just friends Gabriel." Castiel replied with a sigh. He knew he could say that till he was blue in the face and Gabriel wouldn't believe him. His brother knew him too well, and he knew he had feelings for Dean. No matter how much he tried to supress them.

"And give it time, I'm sure you can be so much more. You deserve something good Cassie, and I think he might just be it. Just, wait until you aren't his doctor, okay?" Gabriel replied letting go of Castiel's arm making Castiel roll his eyes while trying very hard to hide how his heart leapt at those words from his brother.

"Goodbye Gabriel." He replied with the shake of his head as he followed Dean out the door to take him to his car. But for the rest of the day he couldn't help but remember his brother's words and wonder if there was any chance that he might be right. Could he and Dean be together when there professional relationship was over?

And Dean, well he had a lot to think about, not only did Bobby accept the truth, but Cas was gay. That was something he didn't see coming, but throughout the day he kept having an image of blue eyes staring at him so close and full of love. What he couldn't work out was whether it was a reality or just a dream. Though he figured that the feelings in them was more than likely fantasy on his part, I mean there was no way a guy like Cas would never be interested in a screw up like him now, was there?


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank Tie-Dyed Broadway, spnlluva and linusfan13 for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it and it gets across what I was trying to say. I found it quite hard to write Dean's changing perspective.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean had spent the week since his last session doing a lot of thinking. First there was Bobby, and what he had discovered there and how that changed what he thought. He still couldn't get his head round the fact that his uncle actually accepted him, nor was he completely sure that he believed that maybe some of the things his dad had taught him were wrong. But he had managed to, last night, pick up the phone and call his uncle. They hadn't talked for long, and Dean had made sure to keep the conversation on light neutral ground, but they had talked, and it had been good.

Now he was making his way to Cas' office to talk to him. This was something that was still messing with his head, and he was starting to think that maybe he and his doc were becoming too close, but still Dean couldn't find it in himself to ask to see someone else. Cas had been there for him when no one else was, and Dean selfishly didn't want to give that up, even it if did get complicated. And so he pushed all thoughts of Cas from his mind during the week past, concentrating on his family. But now he was standing outside Cas' office door. It looked like he was going to have to face them.

* * *

Castiel sat in his chair trying not to fidget. He had no idea if Dean would show up today or not. They hadn't really spoken when they parted in the parking lot last week. And now he was berating himself for his stupidity at taking Dean home, and at taking him into his bed. He shouldn't have done that. It crossed a line which he needed to make sure stayed there. It was just, when it came to Dean it seemed he really couldn't stop himself, and he knew that he was falling in deeper and deeper trouble with this one. Just concentrate on helping the man. Getting him through recovery, then he would no longer be his patient. What would happen then Castiel had no idea. To be honest he was too busy worrying about what would happen in this session to even consider thinking further ahead. So taking his own advice to his patients, he decided to just take it one step at a time. Of course this did all depend on Dean showing up, and he was already a five minutes late.

* * *

Dean stood outside the door and stared at it. On the other side was Cas. His doc, maybe his friend, the guy with the blue, blue eyes who had looked after him when he had a nightmare, the man he had woken up practically on top off. What the hell was he going to say to him? Well nothing unless he actually got round to knocking and going in. Yet Dean couldn't bring himself to do it. He just couldn't seem to find the courage to knock on that door.

* * *

Castiel checked his watch once more and saw that Dean was now ten minutes late. That wasn't like him. Surely if he wasn't coming he would have cancelled. On god, he hoped Dean hadn't relapsed because of everything that had happened the last time they saw each other. If he had then Castiel would have to accept at least partial responsibility for that. He needed to find out what had happened to him. With that thought he pulled his cell from his pocket and dialled Dean's number waiting for the ringing sound to come down the line. What he did not expect, was to hear, what he knew to be, Deans guitar rift ring tone coming from outside his door. Hanging up the phone and moving quickly Castiel went and pulled the door open to find Dean standing there with his phone in his hand.

"Hello Dean." He said in an as friendly and calming voice as he could as he opened the door wide so Dean could come in.

"Hey Cas." Dean replied, though he did move he just stood there staring at his doc. staring at those god damn eyes which seemed to have taken up residence in his mind over the last week.

"Are you coming in?" Castiel asked with a frown, unsure what was going through Dean's mind but determined to make sure that whatever it was he helped in what way he possibly could.

"Don't know. Guess so." Dean replied tearing his eyes from Cas' and looking over his shoulder at the room beyond.

"Please." Castiel said, a slight note of begging in his voice but luckily Dean did not seem to notice. Instead he nodded and stepped over the threshold into Castiel's office.

"Okay." Dean said as he made his way to his usual chair and sat not looking at the doctor who had settled opposite him.

They sat like that, in silence, for what felt like ages but was probably just half a minute before Castiel decided as the professional one between them he should probably be the one to speak.

"Dean I understand if you wish for another doctor, I can easily arrange one for you if that is what you would like." He said smiling gently at the man across from him who had turned to look at him as he spoke.

Dean sat there staring once more at Cas, at his eyes, they seemed to care so much. He didn't want to lose them… but how could he tell Cas what was on his mind if the answer to that was the doc?

"No. I just… I don't know Cas." He finally mumbled in reply shaking his head and frowning in confusion. Why did everything have to get so complicated?

"What are you confused about?" Castiel asked tilting his head in the hopes of catching Dean's eyes once more. He had found that in them he saw more truth than from the man's facial expressions.

"Us?" Dean replied with a shrug as he looked up at Cas with a hopeless look as if he didn't truly understand it himself.

"In what respect?" Castiel asked. This is what he needed to do. Remain clinical and calm and try to persuade Dean to talk to him about what is was that was on his mind. Yes, he needed to do his job.

"We shared a bed." Dean stated clearly as if by saying the words he would shock the man across from him. Castiel just smiled a small smile at him and felt like saying yes I know I was there remember? But he didn't. He knew that the fact they had shared a bed was not the real problem Dean was dealing with right now. And they needed to get to the bottom of this or there professional relationship would never work again.

"If you had not discovered I was gay would you be feeling differently about that?" Castiel asked instead of any comment on Dean's statement.

"Well yeah, but I did." Dean replied with a shrug. Of course he would have felt different, for a start he wouldn't be haunted by the idea of blues eyes looking at him with such… feeling, nor would he be thinking about how he would happily wake up in Cas' bed again, as long as he was beside him. Cos those thoughts were wrong and he would never have them about a straight guy. He knew the rules. He couldn't corrupt any one. But if Cas was… then thinking that really wasn't corruption then was it?

"It makes no difference Dean. I am still the same man, I still took you into my bed for the same reasons as before, namely to help you deal with your nightmare, and we are still friends." Castiel stated clearly. He needed Dean to understand that there sexuality made them no different from anyone else. But he knew that that was something that Dean was going to find extremely hard to understand, if he ever did. It was due to his father's teachings after all that he was here. Trying to change those ideas would be an uphill struggle, even if Bobby accepting him had made Dean start to question that which he used to believe was absolute truth.

"But… it's more complicated now." Dean tried to explain, not sure how he was supposed to do that though. I mean it wasn't like he could tell Cas that he was starting to see him in a sexual way was it?

"How so?" Castiel asked simply. If he knew why Dean felt it was so different then he might be able to help him.

"I… well… um… it just is." Dean replied rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. He was not going to tell Cas the answer to that thank you very much.

And Castiel watching him let out a silent sigh as he realised that there was no way he was going to get to the bottom of that question. It was time to change his approach.

"Very well Dean. Let me put it this way, do you want to continue your sessions with me?" Castiel asked in a straightforward tone. They needed to sort this out before they could continue talking about anything else.

"Yes." Dean replied with a nod and a frown. It may be crazy and it may be wrong, but he couldn't give up seeing Cas, not now at any rate.

"Then let us put that night behind us and concentrate on other things." Castiel said in the same straightforward tone, and once Dean nodded his acceptance at this idea he changed the subject with a new question. "Have you spoken to Bobby since last we met?"

"Yeah, I called him last night." Dean replied breathing a sigh of relief as they moved on to something else. At least this way he could put all thoughts of his doc from his mind, even if he was sitting across from him and even if Dean did find himself staring at those oh so blue eyes far too often.

"Good. How did that go?" Castiel asked with a smile of encouragement for Dean. He was glad that he had managed to call Bobby on his own and without any promoting from another session. It mean that Dean was starting to think for himself as it were, starting to take back control of his life, and that was one of the best things Castiel could have heard from his patient.

"Well, I think. I mean we didn't really talk about… anything, but we talked." Dean replied with shrug trying to avoid the topic of Bobby knowing about his sexual preferences.

"Talking is always good Dean, whatever the subject." Castiel responded with a nod for his patient. This was very good indeed.

"Yeah okay." Dean replied with a roll of his eyes at Cas' encouraging tone. I mean really? Come on.

"So have you thought more about Bobby's revelation?" Castiel asked letting Dean's disbelief in his sentence rest. He was sure that he would never get Dean to agree that talking helped, even if it was helping him.

"Yeah, I don't know. Not sure I can get my head round that." Dean replied shifting uncomfortably on his chair. Still not sure how much he wanted to discuss this with Cas, but he knew the doc won't let up until he answered, so best to get it over and done was ASAP.

"He didn't seem to mind about your sexuality Dean." Castiel said as if making sure Dean got the point, and he did loud and clear. Damn the man.

"I know." He uttered through gritted teeth, trying not to think of that gorgeous body across from him. Which in all honesty was damn hard.

"Do you still mind it?" Castiel asked tilting his head thinking this was why Dean was so uncomfortable with this line of questioning. Because Dean had still not accepted that he was gay and that there really was nothing wrong with that.

"I know what I am Cas." Dean responded glaring at the man. Just what the hell was he implying? Dean knew he was scrum even if Cas hadn't worked that out about himself. Dean had always known exactly what he was.

"Do you? What's that?" Castiel asked with the raise of an eyebrow, daring Dean to say the words that his dad had drummed into his head out loud. But looking at Cas Dean knew he couldn't do it. Because no matter how much he remembered his father's words, he couldn't bring himself to use any of them in relation to the man across from him. Cas wasn't scrum, he didn't deserve to die, he helped people for god's sake. He was an angel. God damn it. What did all this mean? Did it mean he wasn't scrum either? No, he knew the answer to that one. He was definitely scrum.

"A screw up. An alcoholic. A gay." He finally replied when he realised that Cas was still waiting for his reply.

"I'm sure you are not the only one who could define himself as such." Castiel commented simply. None of what Dean said was nasty in his mind, they could all be dealt with if Dean was willing to try. Willing to accept that he was allowed to be happy.

"Yeah right." Dean responded with sarcasm turning to look out of the window. He couldn't look into Cas' blue eyes, not anymore. He didn't deserve to look at this guy.

At that Castiel sat there staring at Dean with a frown marring his features as he tried to think how to help Dean realised that he was so much more than the words he just said. So much more than the beliefs his father had instilled in him. Help he see that he was a good, kind, and funny person with the biggest heart. How could he make Dean understand that?

"Are you going to tell Sam about your sexuality now that Bobby knows?" He asked finally changing the subject to see if he could find another way into discussing Dean's, for want of a better word, love life.

"No. makes no difference after all, right?" Dean replied with a frown as he turned back to Cas. Why would he tell Sam? I mean, why would he drive his brother away just so he knew? It wasn't like he was ever going to be in a relationship of any of that shit, so it really had no bearing on his life, right?

"Well that very much depends on what you want from your future." Castiel responded looking at Dean with a completely serious expression confusing Dean no end.

"What you talking about?" He asked. I mean he had no future, so what did it really matter?

"Well if you eventually have a relationship with someone, he is going to want to meet your family, just as I sure that Sam will want to meet such an important person in your life." Castiel said in a simple voice making Deans jaw drop open. Him, in a relationship, with a guy? What the hell?

"I ain't never having a relationship Cas." He finally was able to say in complete disbelief at the other man's words.

"Why not?" Castiel asked with a frown, resolutely forcing down any hurt those few words caused him. He was Dean's doctor, not his prospective boyfriend.

"Cos its… just never gonna happen." Dean replied still in shock at Cas even suggesting the idea. I mean he was… him, putting aside all his dad had taught him, why would anyone want to be in a relationship with him?

"Why not?" Castiel asked again. He would get an answer to this question if he had to wait all day. Though he did refuse to analyse why he was so interested in the answer.

"Who would want to be with me Cas? I mean seriously. I'm not exactly catch of the century am I? Plus the fact whoever heard of gay guy's settling down to happy ever after." Dean finally exploded in reply before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to calm himself. He couldn't believe he had just said that. When Cas didn't reply straight away Dean forced his eyes open again and moved until they connected with the blue of Castiel's.

"I'm sure there are a lot of men who would feel lucky and privileged to be given a place in your life Dean. And gay couples do settle down. In fact gay marriage has just become legal, so…" Castiel answered once Dean was once more looking at him, and sitting there staring into those beautifully haunted green eyes he briefly pictured himself in that position. At Dean's side.

"You really think-? But you're still single." Dean tried to find a hole in what Cas said, cos no way. That couldn't be true.

"That is because I have yet to find the right man, not because I don't believe he is out there." Castiel responded simply though he tried very hard to supress the idea that the right man might just be closer than he had thought, as in sitting across from him right now close.

"You really think… that there's, someone… out there, for me I mean?" Dean asked his breathing coming heavy as he thought over those words. Was it possible? Could he have… that? Happiness, someone to share his life with? Someone like the blue eyed man sitting across from him?

"Yes Dean, I really do. You just have to let them in." Castiel responded with absolute conviction in his voice calming Dean with that simple sentence.

"I don't know how to do that." Dean whispered across to him. He had no idea how to let anyone in to his heart, he had spent so much of his life hardening it and building walls to make sure no one ever got through, he had no idea how to even being to think about taking them down.

"Don't worry Dean. I'll help, you're not alone." Castiel promised. He wanted to go over and take Dean in his arms but he didn't. That was the line he wasn't crossing anymore. That was not there relationship from now on, Dean was first and foremost his patient.

"Thanks Cas." Dean responded with a small smile as he looked longingly at the blue eyes across from him, and he wondered briefly if he had a chance of having Cas as the one he spent his life with, but he knew that was just a pipe dream. He may be considering the idea that he didn't have to spend his life alone, but even he wasn't stupid enough to think he would ever get someone as amazing as Cas.

"What are friends for? And maybe think about telling Sam?" Castiel said smiling in return at Dean.

"Not yet. Maybe, if I find someone who wants me, then maybe, but not now." Dean replied turning so he was once again looking out the window. Just the idea of thinking about finding someone who wanted to be with him for more than one night was an unnerving thought.

"That's fine Dean. I think we have covered enough for today." Castiel said after a short silence where he watched Dean stare out of the window, and he watched the thoughts and confused feelings flitter across the other man's face as he did so. At least it seemed Dean was now thinking about a future with someone. Even if he wasn't yet sold on the concept completely. That was all Castiel could hope for right now.

"Yeah okay. Um, see you next week then I guess." Dean responded turning back to Cas and pulling himself back to the here and now, and away from the vague dreams he had always told himself he wasn't allowed to have. Dreams of having something like Sam had with Jess, oh he knew it would never be that good, it couldn't, but maybe he could have something close?

"Yes Dean I will see you then, but Dean, if you need anything before, you have my number." Castiel said smiling at the man who he knew was still in turmoil, though he didn't think he was about to go out and get wasted so that was a good thing. He thought it more likely that Dean needed time to process. Castiel would like to be able to invite him out for coffee again, but after what happened last time that was probably not the best pf plans, not yet at any rate.

"Yeah sure, thanks Cas. Bye." Dean responded standing and smiling down at his doctor before nodding his head and walking out the door.

"Goodbye Dean." Castiel replied to his retreating back.

And with that Dean walked out of the office and into the corridor where he leaned against the wall and breathed out. Oh holy bloody hell, how had he managed to get into this situation where he was starting to consider the idea where maybe a relationship wasn't such a wistful dream? That maybe he could have someone in his life to share it with? The only problem he found was every time his mind even considered the idea of a partner, a certain pair of blue eyes appeared in his mind. Damn he needed a drink, but that wasn't possible, so failing that he would go for the next best thing. Pie. With that thought he pulled himself away from the wall and made his way to his car so he could drive to Gabriel's bakery round the corner. But only cos they had the best pie, it had nothing to do with that fact that if Gabriel happened to be there he would understand, some at least, of what Dean was going though without him having to explain. And it had nothing to do with the fact that he wanted to talk to someone who would understand his deep desire to relapse right now, even if they didn't know the reason behind it.

* * *

And Castiel sitting in his chair let out a sigh of relief, they had got through that, and hopefully he helped Dean see that here was nothing wrong with a gay relationship, though his mind supplied a 'with him' add on to the end of that sentence but he ignored. He needed to help Dean first and foremost and he was hopeful that today that was something he had achieved.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway and IsabellaFaye11 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So, this is the chapter I had planned to write, but it seems to be the one that works after the last one. I hope you like it. Also the bits in italics are a memory/conversation. That will make sense when you read it, I hope.**

 **WARNING: There is some strong language in here, I hope it doesn't offend.**

 **Enjoy.** **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

At the end of his last session Dean had gone and had a long chat with Gabriel. Most of it had been about inconsequential things, childhood stories, and basic banter, the occasional no holds barred discussion about addiction, mainly from Gabriel's side, he certainty didn't pull his punches about that one.

But a couple of things had stood out for Dean during that conversation. One Gabriel had the same ability as his brother at relaxing him and making him realise he didn't need a drink, hell he didn't even want one. Though Gabriel did it with pie and constant noise whereas as Cas did it with silence and acceptance. The other was the story Gabriel told him when he was on his second coffee and third piece of pie. He hadn't asked to hear it, nor had he even considered the idea of it. But Gabriel turned round and just came out with it as if it was a perfectly normal topic of discussion. As if it was just another family story. But as soon as Dean heard the words he knew what the true reason for Gabriel saying it was. At first he was pissed at the other guy, but by the end of the story he realised that for all he didn't want to hear it, he knew he would never forget it. It would stick in his brain and would fight with all the words his dad had taught him every time they came to mind. And that, that was a gift that Dean wasn't sure he would ever repay.

The story was of Castiel's realisation that he was gay.

* * *

 _Gabriel was at the apartment he shared with his brother in a rare moment of lucidity. He wasn't actually on anything right then, though he was planning on going out soon. He could do with a relax after a twenty hour shift in the hospital sustained by coffee and cocaine. He now needed something to help him forget the faces of the dead and the dying. But just as he was contemplating contacting his supplier there was a timid knock on his door making him frown. What the hell did Cassie want now?_

 _"_ _Hey little bro, how's it hanging?" He asked as he bounded off the bed and pulled open the door. If he got rid of Castiel quick enough he could still make a deal and have some fun this evening._

 _"_ _Gabriel, I… I don't…. I…" Castiel repeatedly tried to say but it seemed the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. And one look at his brother made Gabriel frown. It looked like he was going to have to sort Cassie out before he got his grove on._

 _"_ _Come in Cassie. Tell me what's wrong." Gabriel said in as gentle a voice as he could. He had no idea what could make his brother the way he was. I mean he was top of his class, and a complete nerd, so it couldn't be anything to do with his pre-med course._

 _"_ _Something happened, and I don't know… I don't know what it means." Castiel whispered once he was sat on Gabriel's bed and staring at his hands._

 _"_ _Okay, what happened?" Gabriel asked keeping his temper in check. He was sure no one had tried to hurt his little brother, mentally or physically. Though that was mainly cos he was well aware that Castiel could take anyone on and win without much thought. All he had to do was open his mouth and he could tie anyone into knots if he so chose, he did it to Gabriel all the freakin' time. It was one of the things Gabriel loved most about his brother. His ability to talk himself out of anything with a simple sentence, or sometimes just a word. That and his backbone. Damn did he ever have a strong one of those, much stronger than Gabriel's own in fact. But then Castiel was always the better man in his mind._

 _"_ _I kissed someone." Castiel said after staring into space for half a second and pulling Gabriel back to the conversation._

 _That made Gabriel blink at him. Was this melt down all because Cassie had kissed a guy? Really?_

 _"_ _Well that usually means you like them Cassie." He said in a condescending tone. This was nothing and it was interrupting his buzz time._

 _"_ _This isn't funny Gabriel. You know I am with Anna. We have been together for three years now. We are going to get married." Castiel stated vehemently making Gabriel's eyebrows raise. Yeah he knew Cassie and Anna were in a 'relationship'. But he also knew that they were nothing more than best friends. Why was Cassie trying to say otherwise?_

 _"_ _Ur-hu. So who did you kiss?" He asked trying to make his brother admit he was gay. Cos while Castiel may never had said the words, Gabriel was not stupid. He was well aware of his little bros preferences when it came to gender. Not that he cared._

 _"_ _I… can't…I …" Castiel responded suddenly finding it hard to breathe making Gabriel's eyes widen in alarm as he started rubbing his brothers back in a soothing manor. This was more serious than he had thought. Had Cassie snogged one of his professors or something and was worried about being kicked out? Cos if so they could sort that easily. The joys of being a Novak and having far too many high fliers in the family. Right time to go back to the beginning of this story. See if he could narrow it down a bit._

 _"_ _Okay, let me phrase the question another way. Was this person a guy?" He asked, cos that would rule out a certain percentage of the teaching staff._

 _"_ _How did you know?" Castiel asked his eyes going wide at his brother's words and leaping of the bed so fast Gabriel nearly fell flat on his face. What the friggin' hell?_

 _"_ _Cassie, everyone knows." He stated simply. I mean really? Did Castiel really think he was keeping it a secret?_

 _"_ _What do you mean?" Castiel asked confusion in his eyes making another thought dawn on Gabriel. Oh for the love of god. No way. There was no way his brother got to the age of eighteen without realising he was gay, was there? I mean yeah sure Anna and Castiel had been together since they were fifthteen, and before that they were best friends. But surely his brother had realised that he had feelings for men, right?_

 _"_ _You're gay Cassie. Tell me you realise that right?" He said with strain in his voice, cos if Castiel didn't, oh god help him. What was he going to do? He needed something to take him away from this emotion shit._

 _"_ _But… I'm with Anna." Castiel replied though Gabriel could hear the uncertainty in his voice as he thought over a few things._

 _"_ _Yeah. Have you guys ever had sex in the last three years?" Gabriel asked causally. Cos really, they should have if they were in love and all that crap right?_

 _"_ _We are waiting until marriage." Castiel stated as if he was parroting something making Gabriel shake his head and close his eyes. Was he really sitting here bringing his brother out of the closet that it seemed he didn't even know he was in? How was this his life?_

 _"_ _Right, okay, so this guy you kissed, did you want to fuck him?" Gabriel asked bluntly. No point messing round here. Plus he really needed to go out now. He needed to score something, anything to take of this edge._

 _"_ _Gabriel that is crass language and I do not appreciate it." Castiel replied primly making Gabriel chuckle and roll his eyes before he tried again._

 _"_ _Fine did you want to make sweet love to him? There that better?" He asked with a raised eyebrow at his brother who just frowned at him as he thought over the words, not to see if they were better, but rather to see if they were true._

 _"_ _I, no, I… I… I don't know. Maybe?" Castiel replied with a shrug. He was confused and upset and he didn't understand what was going on. He had had his life mapped out since he was fourteen and Gabriel left to go to go to college. He was going to follow him, become a doctor and marry Anna and have babies._

 _"_ _Do you ever feel that way with Anna? The way this guy made you feel?" Gabriel asked more gently when he saw his brother's confusion once more. He wasn't sure he could actually believe this but it seemed it was happening._

 _"_ _No." Castiel finally replied after he thought about how he felt when he and Anna did kiss, not that it happened often. But when it did, it certainty did not feel as it did kissing Balthazar. That was warm and intense and stirred something inside of Castiel that he hadn't known even existed. That was what had worried him the most about the kiss. That feeling of… wanting more._

 _"_ _You don't love her Cassie. Not that way at any rate." Gabriel said gently to his brother hoping he would realise the truth in his words._

 _"_ _But, isn't being gay, wrong?" Castiel asked returning to sit beside Gabriel and staring desolately at the wall._

 _"_ _No Castiel. God made you the way you are. All you can do is be the best you and live up to your full potential. That is all he asks of you. So, you're gay? It makes no difference except you like men rather than women." Gabriel responded with such absolute conviction that Castiel turned to him with hope in his eyes. If Gabriel said it was so then it must be true. He was always right._

 _"_ _But… will our family accept me?" He asked shyly. He did not want to be cast out for wanting men instead of women. He had overheard his brother's conversations about this woman and that over the years after all, and Gabriel had shared more than his fair share with Castiel. Shared more than he had ever wanted to hear in fact._

 _"_ _Oh Cassie, we love_ _ **you**_ _. Who you are, not what." Gabriel replied wrapping his arms around his younger brother and pulling him close. How could he ever think they wouldn't love him just because he was gay? That was the stupidest thing ever._

 _"_ _I don't… really know how to be gay." Castiel replied once Gabriel had let him go and he had thought over what he had said. He could see it now. How he would look at the men and find them appealing rather than the women. How he never wanted to anything other than talk with Anna._

 _"_ _Then we best find out. Come on, let's go find you a man and see what you can learn." Gabriel said jumping off the bed with a waggle of his eyebrows. It seemed the perfect solution to him. Kill two birds with one stone, Cassie could get rid of his virginity and he could get his release, he knew just the place to go._

 _"_ _Gabriel, I have to study." Castiel stated. Just because he had had the lightening realisation he was gay did not mean he needed to go out and jump a man, though the idea did have a certain appeal. Now he thought about it, maybe Balthazar would like to continue there earlier rendezvous._

 _"_ _All work and no play makes Castiel a dull boy. Come on, let your hair down. Come find out who you really are." Gabriel cajoled. He was happy to be his bro's wing man, and Castiel certainly needed to have some fun._

 _"_ _Okay. But I am not picking up some random man just because it would amuse you Gabriel." Castiel grumbled standing up and finding his hand being grabbed by his brother as he pulled him out of the room._

 _"_ _Oh good god no. You pick him up cos it'll amuse you bro." Gabriel responded with a smirk and a wink before sweeping him out the door and into a new and improved life._

* * *

Dean blinked back the words from his mind. It was strange to think that Cas, his strong, independent doctor had had similar reservations as him about being gay. The difference being that it seemed Cas' family accepted him for the way he was. Though he did see the slight parallel to Cas and Gabriel as with him and Bobby.

The words Gabriel had said he had spoken to Cas ran round and round in Dean's head long after he had left the bakery. They were the ones fighting with all his father had ever said to him.

"God made you the way you are. All you can do is be the best you and live up to your full potential. That is all he asks of you. So you're gay? It makes no difference except you like men rather than women."

Dean had never really believed in god. I mean he had no proof that there was some deity up there watching out for him, so why should he have? And if he ever did think that maybe there was something there he knew that they would never concern themselves with a thing like him. A dirty abomination. But the idea that he was made the way he was to be the best he could be? That was a startling thought. Especially when Gabriel had smiled at him and told him that Castiel had repeated the same words to him when he came round from his drug overdose. Exchanging the idea of being gay to being an addict.

It had certainly given Dean a lot to think about that was for sure. He hadn't decided which of the words in his mind were right, they were still fighting inside his head. But at least they were fighting. And now here he was, a week later, once more at Castiel's door. Though this time he hesitated in knocking not because he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Castiel. But rather because he was wondering if the best he could be was good enough for the man on the other side, despite his father's voice roaring at him.

And for the first time in his life Dean started to hope. He had started to hope he was good enough for another to love, rather than knowing that he never would be. And that alone was a revelation he had never thought to have.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello again. I would like to thank CaptainAckles for the lovely reivew.**

 **Here's the next chapter, hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel sat behind his desk shuffling his notes from his previous patient, Dean would be here soon and today was an important landmark in his recovery. For todays was Dean's thirty days sober after his relapse. It was a day Castiel wanted to make sure that Dean didn't just dismiss. He needed to feel pride at doing so well. He had come so far from the man who had strolled into Castiel's office with his mask and sarcasm at the fore. He was not that man any more. He had hit rock bottom, but he was starting to work his way back up again. With the help of his family he was getting back his life and Castiel had never been more proud of one of his patients. Dean had been through so much, but he was still here, and he was still fighting, and that was all anyone could ask of him. To keep on fighting, every day. It would get easier, though it would always be there at the back of the mind. The black cloud that would threaten to descend, but given the right tools and the right support, Dean would be able to succeed in fighting it off.

There was not much more Castiel felt he could do for Dean. He was, for want of a better word a frontline man in defence of this disease. After he had got his patients onto an even keel he would normally send them on to someone more suited to helping them maintain their equilibrium. There were some he keep on, but he knew Dean wouldn't be one of them, he couldn't carry this on for ever. Dean may not be there just yet, he should be soon, and as such he would need to prepare him. With that thought he grabbed his now empty pad and moved to his usual seat just as the knock on the door sounded through the room. Looking at his watch he smiled. Dean was here right on time.

"Come in." He called still smiling as he turned to the door to see a much more relaxed Dean walk in and give him a smile which made him blink. It was certainly not one he had ever seen before. But it was very appealing.

"You seem well. May I ask what happened?" Castiel asked once Dean had slid comfortably into the chair opposite.

"I talked to someone, someone who understood what I was going through." Dean said smiling gently making the green monster of jealousy rise in Castiel though he fought with all he had to push it down. If Dean had found someone who understood him and put the sort of smile Dean had had on his face as he walked through the door on his face then Castiel could not complain. It was a good thing. So he needed to treat it as such, no matter how much pain that caused him.

"Oh?" Was all he managed to ask with a forced smile on his face. He was worried that if Dean looked into his eyes he would see his jealously rioting behind them.

"Yeah. He's an addict as well." Dean responded smiling at Cas. He was so glad he had introduced him to Gabriel. He really was a good person to go to.

"That's good Dean. Very good." Castiel replied with a nod not meeting Dean's eyes and clenching his pen hard enough that his knuckles were turning white.

"Yeah. Plus he makes amazing pie." Dean replied completely oblivious to the feelings going through the man opposite him.

At that sentence Castiel looked up at Dean with wide eyes. Did he mean who he thought he did? Did he really have no cause to be jealous? Not that he had any cause anyway, he was Dean's doctor for Christ's sake.

"Ah." He said with a sigh letting go of the feelings that had been going through him before he spoke again, more relaxed and with a genuine smile on his face this time. "You talked to Gabriel."

"I did." Dean replied with a nod and a smile for Cas.

"I'm not going to ask what you discussed Dean, that is between you and my brother, I am just glad it helped." Castiel stated smiling even more. He was glad that introducing Dean and Gabriel had worked out so well for his patient.

"It did." Dean responded with something that sounded like surprise. As if he couldn't believe that talking to anyone had helped, as if he couldn't believe there were others out there who could understand what he was going through. But it seemed he had learnt that everyone has their problems, their own demons, everyone was fighting something. Just some were better at making sure that no one knew about it.

"So today is your thirty days." Castiel stated changing the subject to that which he was to discuss with Dean.

"It is." Dean replied with a wide smile. He couldn't believe he had managed to go thirty days without a drink, it was friggin' awesome.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asked returning the infectious smile he was given.

"Good, I'm feeling… good." Dean replied unsure if that was the right word. He wasn't great. Hell somethings he was barely okay. But he fought and he survived, so he was… good.

"Good." Castiel answered. Good was, well, good.

"So what we discussing today doc?" Dean asked in a jokey tone, though he wondered what Cas would do today to make him feel less good right now, though he was learning that he started to feel better after Cas broke him.

"What do you wish to discuss?" Castiel asked smiling at Dean as if he knew that while Dean may have been joking he was worried that Castiel would ruin his mood. That was something he did not want to do. Not today.

"Whether you'll come out and celebrate with me tonight?" Dean asked with a cheeky grin. He had meant it as a way to deflect from anything Cas could think of to say, but once the words were out of his mouth he knew they were in fact the truth. He wanted to celebrate with Cas tonight. Celebrate how much he had achieved.

"Dean, I am your doctor." Castiel said with a slightly sorrowful tone. He would love nothing more than to go out with Dean this evening, but he couldn't. He couldn't cross that line again.

"You're also my friend, and you'll make sure my celebrations don't include a drink." Dean cajoled. He had heard the slight tone and he knew Cas wanted to come out with him tonight. Even if he thought he shouldn't after Dean's last prissy panic. But he could make sure that didn't happen again.

"I'm sure your brother would as well." Castiel said firmly. Dean should be with his family, those that support him, for this celebration.

"Yeah well, I kinda haven't told him about the whole relapse thing. But I really want to go out. You know, to prove that I can?" Dean replied rubbing his neck as he confessed that Sam didn't actually know everything. And he never would if Dean got his way. There were things his brother did not need to know thank you very much.

"What did you have in mind?" Castiel asked with a sigh, caving at the inpouring look in Dean's eyes. How could he ever say no to this man?

"Dinner? In a bar, maybe? Prove to myself I can go into one without needed alcohol." Dean responded, he hadn't actually planned going out that evening, but now he was, that was the idea that appealed. There was no way he could go to a bar for a soft drink. But if he went for food, then that would work.

"Very well Dean. I will accompany you." Castiel replied with a smile making Dean beam at him.

"Thanks Cas." he said gently to the blued eyed man across from him.

"You are welcome." Castiel responded. And with those words silence descended on the two of them as they just sat there staring into each other's eyes. Suddenly Castiel realised what it was they were doing. That was not suitable behaviour. As such he coughed to clear his throat and broke eye contract before turning to Dean with his professional smile on his face once more.

"We need to discuss your recovery plan for the future." He said the epilogue of the doctor now.

"Sure. What plans do you have for me then Cas?" Dean asked relaxing back. He would go along with whatever Cas said, he'd done right so far after all.

"Well, I think we should start to consider who you would feel most comfortable seeing once you finish my program." Castiel said carefully hoping Dean wouldn't get too defensive at the words, though he held out little hope for that.

"You trying to get rid of me Cas?" Dean asked sitting up straight and with pain obvious in his eyes even while his face masked into a blank expression.

"No Dean. I just feel that I would prefer to be your friend rather than your doctor." Castiel rushed to reassure. He did not want Dean thinking he didn't want him. Because honestly, that was the main problem. He wanted Dean too much.

"Oh… okay. Um, sure." Dean replied deflating at Cas' words, though there was a warmth inside of him at Cas saying he wanted to be his friend more than his doctor. He liked that. Having Cas as a friend would be awesome.

"Very well, I have a list on my desk. Would you like to see it?" Castiel asked pointing in that direction as if he was going to get up and get it for Dean to look over.

"Whoever you think's good Cas. I trust your judgement." Dean replied with a shrug. One shrink was the same as another to him, well as long as they weren't Cas. Plus he guessed the guy had a better idea of who he would work well with better than he did. This was his profession and all that after all.

"Very well." Castiel replied with a nod. He would find Dean the best in his profession. The best suited to take over from him. In fact he already had one in mind. But he would contact her later to see if she would take Dean on.

"So that it?" Dean asked when Castiel said on more. Where was the uncomfortable questions he had come to expect when he came into this office?

"Unless you have more you wish to discuss." Castiel said mildly. He didn't think for a minute that Dean would voluntarily want to talk about anything, but he had to ask.

"Nope." Dean replied resolutely. If he was getting out of here without baring his soul today then he was damn happy with that.

"Then yes. That is it, for today." Castiel replied with a chuckle at the relief on Dean's face.

"So we going for dinner?" Dean asked his eyes lighting up at the idea making Castiel smile fondly at him.

"I have some paperwork to do." Castiel replied simply.

"I'll wait." Dean responded sitting back in the chair. He was glad he always had the last appointment on Cas' schedule right at this minute.

"Very well." Castiel responded. However much he should tell Dean to leave and he would meet him somewhere he couldn't begrudge the man a seat in his office. Even if when he got up and moved to his desk his mind was more on the idea of watching said man than writing up his notes. As a distraction Dean was wonderful to watch.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank linusfan13, IsabellaFaye11, , and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the wonderful reviews.** **I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean insisted on driving to the bar that he had in mind to eat at. It did the best cheeseburgers in the state, though true he had only eaten them while drunk so that pronouncement may well be less than accurate. But this was the plan. Go to a place he used to frequent regularly and prove to both himself and Cas he could sit there and have a good time without having a drink, or at least an alcoholic one, it would look at bit strange if he sat in a bar and didn't drink anything at all.

He pulled up in the parking lot and carefully parked the car, taking a deep breath before he shut off the engine. He could do this.

"We can go somewhere else if you prefer Dean." Castiel said into the silent dark as the engine cut out but neither of them moved to get out of the car.

"Na Cas. This is the place." With those words Dean forced himself to open the door and pull his body out of it with a confidence he wasn't completely sure he felt. When he heard the other door open and close he moved away from his car and towards the bar, not looking back to see if Cas was following, hell it took all his strength to just walk towards the door in a casual manor. It was strange, half of him wanted to run inside and order the largest glass of whiskey they had and the other was screaming at him to run in the opposite direction, to get away from this place of evil and temptation. As he reached the door he stopped and took another deep breath. He wasn't sure if he could do. If he could actually pull open that door and walk inside as if nothing had changed. Because everything had. He was not the guy who used to come here after all.

* * *

Castiel watched Dean walk to the door and could feel the tension radiating off of him but he did not again suggest they went somewhere else. Dean needed to do this for himself, to prove to himself what Castiel already knew. That he could be in this situation and not drink. But when he saw Dean hesitate by the door his heart went out to him. As such he walked up to the man and placed his hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze of comfort, to make sure Dean realised he wasn't alone.

* * *

When Dean felt Cas' hand on his shoulder he sighed in relief. He could do this with him at his side. With that he turned to Cas with a charming smile as he reached out and pulled open the door and without a giving himself a second to think or doubt, he stepped inside. The smell hit him before he could even register the interior with his eyes. It was the smell of stale drink and unwashed bodies mixing with hints of vomit and the still the lingering smell of cigarette smoke even though smoking had been banned in bars for years. It was a strange smell, and one he used to be so accustomed to he never truly registered it. But it was also one that sent his mind to a dream land of fuzzy forgetfulness. One that invoked all the joy that drinking had brought him, it kinda smelt of home. Thinking that he realised why that statement was so very accurate. This was the smell his father had always had when it was time for his training. When he beat him for being what he was born to be. It was strange how one smell could make him want to cower in the corner on one hand yet also made him want to embrace the fun on the other. It confused him. He really had no freakin' clue what to think.

"Shall we get a table?" Castiel asked from Dean's side reaching out to grab his arm in an attempt to bring him back to the here and now. To get him to turn and look at him. He had watched the emotions cross Dean's eyes and he could only guess at what had caused them. He just wanted to help Dean feel better about being here, make it easier in some small way, though he knew that easy it would most definitely not be for the man at his side.

At Cas' words and the feel of his hand once more on his person, Dean turned to stare into those blue eyes that seemed to have the ability to ground him like nothing else could. He knew there was no way he could cross the bar to a table without knowing, really knowing, physically and mentally, that Cas was at his side. As such as he looked into the man's eyes he raised his hand to the one holding his arm and gently pulled it away, only to then proceed to interlink his fingers with Castiel's. With that contact he knew he would be able to do what it was he set out to do here.

Turning back to the room his hand now firmly in Cas' he breathed out his reply to the question the other man had posed.

"Yeah. Let's do that."

And with that sentence they both stepped into the bar, heads held high, Dean refusing to look left or right. He didn't want to see who was here watching him, condemning him for his behaviour and he didn't hear any of the words spoken around him. He tuned it all out. He was here to eat and as such he made himself have tunnel vision, staring at the empty table at the back and out of the way that they were heading for.

Castiel on the other hand heard the call from the table as they passed. A man, rugged looking with a cap upon his head called out Dean's name in a southern accent with a smile on his lips. Though that smile became a frown when Dean didn't reply. Though then it seemed he noticed Castiel at his side and registered the connected hands and another smile, this one more of warmth and understanding crossed his face. And he looked up, caught Castiel's eyes and nodded before resolutely turning back to his companions as if nothing had happened. Castiel wondered who the man was. The man who it seemed knew Dean enough that he was not surprised by him holding hands with a man. Was this one of the men Dean had pleasured himself with in the past? No, he could not think like that. He would not condemn the man and glare at him for having what he could not, not until he was sure he had. With that Castiel smiled in return and turned away. Fighting the greened-eyed monster all the way to the table. Though once there he turned his attention to Dean. It was for him he was here after all. To help him, this was not a date in anyway.

* * *

Dean reached the table and sat with a heavy thud, he'd made it. He was sitting in a bar and he was going to be fine. It was then he registered that he had pulled Cas down with him through their joined hands.

"Sorry." He mumbled when he looked over at the other guy and saw him righting himself in the seat beside him.

"It's fine Dean." Castiel replied a smile on his face. Dean was after all still holding his hand. And Castiel, while he was aware he should not be doing this with his patient, was quite happy to offer his friend all the support he needed. That and the fact that he liked holding Dean's hand. He liked having that connection with the man. Letting people see he was his, even if that was in no way true. But he was doing it for Dean, so it was fine.

Before Dean could speak more a blond young waitress came to their table with a huge smile on her face as she registered the clasped hands.

"Dean, it's been a while, what can I get for you and your friend?" She asked with a cheeky grin and a suggestive smile which, Castiel felt, luckily Dean missed. He was still to nervous being here to register just what it was he was doing, walking into one of the places that he used to frequent holding a man's hand.

"I'll have a cheeseburger and a soda thanks Jo." Dean responded smiling with his patented charm.

"I think you forgot to ask for the whiskey with that Dean." Jo replied in a friendly manor making Dean's smile become more forced.

"No just the soda straight thanks." He forced out between gritted teeth. God how he would love to have that whisky right now.

"Okay. And you?" Jo asked a frown briefly marring her brow at the idea of Dean not drinking, but she was a professional, as such she turned her friendly smile to Castiel.

"I'll have the same, thank you." Castiel replied with a smile of his own.

With that Jo left the two of them to go and get there order.

"Are you okay Dean?" Castiel asked once they were once again alone, and he couldn't stop his thumb from rubbing circles into the back of Dean's hand.

"Define okay." Dean replied with a chuckle. He wasn't sure he would ever know what okay was again.

"Do you want to drink?" Castiel asked simply.

"Hell yeah, but I ain't gonna." Dean replied with absolute conviction. This was a test, and it was one he was going to pass, no matter what happened.

"Then you are okay." Castiel responded with a nod and a smile making Dean turn to stare into his eyes once more.

"Thanks for coming Cas. I don't think I could do this without you here." He whispered to the man at his side. And he meant it. Without Cas he had no idea what he would be doing, well actually he was pretty sure if he wasn't here he would be downing shots at the bar.

"You are welcome Dean. I will always be here if you need me to be." Castiel replied in earnest and he meant that. He would always be there for Dean.

With that the two of them slipped into a silence which encompassed them and made the rest of the world disappear as they stared into each other's eyes.

There drinks and food arrived but neither Dean nor Castiel truly registered the fact. Though they did separate their hands when they had to eat, but as soon as they had finished as if by some unspoken accord they returned to their previous position of linked fingers. They were just coming to the close of the evening, they had eaten and Dean had had a drink which contained no alcohol. As such they were both thinking that it was time for them to leave when the man who had called Dean earlier appeared in front of their table forcing Dean to look up and register his presence. A presence which seemed to make all the colour leave his face.

"Hey Dean. Haven't seen you out much recently, though I'm guessing I now know the reason." The man said in a jokey, friendly manor smiling at both of them with equation warmth.

And Dean staring up at him just opened and closed his mouth. He had no words to speak. It was as if his worst nightmare was unfolding in front of his eyes. Why had he decided to come here? Why did he not just go somewhere he was unlikely to meet anyone he knew? Why the hell wasn't there a drink in his hand?

Castiel looked at Dean hoping he would introduce this man, but that one look was enough to tell him that Dean had no idea how to cope with this situation. As such Castiel decided to take in it to his own hands. He was here to protect and help Dean after all. He could deal with this man if he was going to get funny about them being here together.

"Hello, I'm Castiel. it a pleasure to meet you-" he said holding out the hand which wasn't in Dean's and looking at the man as if asking him to supply the name for the end of his sentence.

"Benny, the names Benny. I work with Dean. Pleasure to meet you Castiel." Benny replied shaking his hand before he continued. "Glad to see Dean has finally settled down and found a guy. It was about time." With that and a cheery nod at the pair of them Benny walked away, continuing his journey to the bathroom which he had been on before he spotted Dean and Castiel. There was no way he was not going to talk to the guys, I mean Dean had kept his love life from them all at the garage for so long, but they all wanted him to find a nice guy. He deserved that in their opinion, Dean was good people after all.

"What just… I don't… what?" Dean finally managed to get out. He was in shock at Benny's words. Because it seemed, to him at least, it seemed that Benny was … happy?... that he was with Cas, and by with he meant _with_. But surely not I mean, really? What the hell?

* * *

Castiel sat and watched Dean go through so many emotions that he just wanted to reach out and hold him, but he couldn't do that. It was obvious to him that Benny at least was aware of Dean's sexual orientation and had no problems with it. In fact he was nice to Castiel, whom he guessed Benny thought Dean was dating. Though this wasn't the way he wanted it to come out, he was glad that Dean's work friends knew and accepted him, but it seemed Dean was not taking it so well. As such he decided it would be for the best if they talked about this elsewhere.

"Come Dean, let us leave." He said gently guiding the man to stand and walking him out of the bar trying to disguise Dean's shock at what had just happened. And once they reached the car he pulled Dean's keys from the man's pocket and settled him in the passenger seat before going round to the driver's side. He needed to take Dean somewhere they could discuss what had just happened, but he was not going to take him back to his home. Not again. Not after last time, so the parking lot of his office would have to do. He would help Dean through this revelation. That was his job after all.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello my darlings. Sorry for the long absence, I would have had this posted last night but my computer and I got into a little argument and it crashed. I have nursed it back to health and now we are best buds again.**

 **Anyway I would like to thank destielmcrtrekkie, spnlluva, IsabellaFaye11, purple (Guest), Tie-Dyed Broadway and linusfan13 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: id don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean sat in the car staring out of the window but taking nothing in. He was too busy trying to work out just what had happened in that bar. What Benny had meant, cos surely he hadn't known the truth, and if he did, then how did he find out? I mean, it wasn't like Dean went round parading off his sexuality. Yeah okay, the only one he actively hid it from was Sam, but still, he hadn't thought he was that obvious. So what the hell had he done wrong? What would happen now? His friend seemed to think that there was something going on between him and Cas, what would he say about that on his next shift? Hell what would he say about anything come then?

He sat there waiting for the recriminations to come in his mind, the words his father had drilled into him to reverberate around his brain. The words which always gave rise to him distancing himself from the people in his life. The words which usually ended up making him run. I mean why would anyone want to be friends with a guy who could be described as nothing and worthless? But instead of the usual barrage of feelings that he had to suppress, the feelings that drove the need to drink, Dean didn't feel any of that. No, he was surprised that Benny hadn't seemed surprised by seeing him with Cas, but that was it really. Oh that and an acute embarrassment that Cas had had to pretend to be his boyfriend. I mean the guy was his doctor, and yeah okay he had been thinking about maybe giving him and Cas a try, it had always been a pipe dream for him. Cos even if he wasn't complete scum, he still was nowhere near Cas' league. I mean that guy was an angel and Dean wasn't good enough to lick his boots, so yeah, no doubt that had embarrassed the guy with him. Though he knew Cas would deny it if he said anything. Cos as he had said, angel. But he was getting off topic, and honestly he was kinda surprised he could even do that. It seemed something had changed in his mind, some shift he hadn't been aware of until this very moment. It seemed that he was finally seeing that maybe his father was wrong, and maybe there was nothing wrong with being gay. And that realisation alone was enough to stun Dean further into disbelief.

* * *

Castiel had driven Dean back to the parking lot with extreme care, he knew how much the man treasured his car after all and he didn't think Dean would appreciate it if he scratched it or anything. And so most of his concentration on the journey was kept outside the car. But as soon as he parked and turned off the engine, plunging the car into silence, his eyes immediately sort out Dean. He needed to show he was here for the man in any capacity that he needed. But looking at him, he saw that Dean wasn't having a panic attack as Castiel thought he might have been if left to his own mind for too long, nor did he seem to be crying or reliving the torture done to him as a teenager, in fact Castiel was pretty sure that while Dean still looked surprised, there was also a relieved smile on his face. It was small and most people would probably miss it. But Castiel was not most people, and he would see the slightest change upon Dean's face with just one look. He had seen all emotions there before after all, in their sessions and other places.

* * *

They sat in silence for another minute before Castiel felt that one of them should break it. See if he could find out what was on Dean's mind, help him through whatever he was processing at that moment.

"Dean, how are you?" He asked in a gentle tone hoping that Dean would answer with honesty rather than rage.

"I don't know, Cas." Dean replied still staring out of the window trying to process all that his mind was screaming at him, or not screaming as the case may be. It was a strange and novel sensation, to be okay with… this.

"Well, how does finding out Benny knew your secret make you feel?" Castiel asked tilting his head and making Dean roll his eyes, so much for not shrinking him out of the office.

He was going to give Cas a sarcastic response which went along those lines, but he had a feeling that talking about what was going through his head could help him some. So taking a deep breath he turned to meet Cas' eyes with an honest look and then he spoke to answer Cas' question, and that in itself was a massive step forwards in his progress in Castiel's mind. He hadn't thought Dean would respond at all.

"Confused. How'd he know Cas? Is it really that obvious? Do I have a sigh flashing on top of my head or something?" Dean asked him with an honest frown on his face as if he couldn't work out how Benny had known about his sexuality. Castiel on the other hand wasn't so naïve, he had an idea how Benny and no doubt maybe of Dean's friends knew.

"No Dean, you do not. Nor are you obvious, unless you've been drinking. Then you can become rather… flirty." Castiel replied carefully hoping Dean wouldn't shoot him down for his comment. He still remembered that night he had gone to pick Dean up drunk from the bar and the guy had been rather forward with him.

"Only with the hot guys." Dean responded with a smirk and a waggle of his eyebrows at Cas. He kinda liked the feel of not having to feel dirty for saying such a thing. It was liberating.

"Are you saying you think I'm hot?" Castiel asked with a twinkle in his eyes and a lift of one eyebrow when he saw Dean's humour coming through. He knew that in this somehow, somewhere they had broken the ducks back as it were. Dean was well on the way to recovery and of that Castiel was over the moon.

"I was actually saying I don't think Benny is." Dean responded with a chuckle at Cas' words, though he heard something that sounded strangely like hope in his docs voice, but it couldn't have been. Unless it was hope that he was getting better, yeah that could be it.

"Well I'm sure he has seen you eye up men you did find hot before if he was a drinking buddy." Castiel replied supressing the disappointment he felt that Dean did not confirm his question. He was the man's doctor, not his date. He didn't want Dean finding him hot, he was here to help him, not hook up with him.

"Yeah he was. Never really thought about it that way before." Dean responded with a frown once more as he tried to remember all those fuzzy nights out drinking with Benny and the boys. Hu, maybe he hadn't been as discrete as he had thought he was when Sammy wasn't around. What was the strangest thing about that thought wasn't the facts he had discovered, but that they didn't send him spiralling into a pit of disappear at the realisation that people knew. It was truly weird, and yet he felt free somehow, a little bit lighter. He liked it. Oh he knew the words were still there, at the back of his mind, but he could ignore them, and that was a first for him. To be able to ignore all his dad had taught him.

"So is that the only thing worrying you? How Benny found out?" Castiel asked with a frown of his own at this. Dean seemed fine, but he wanted to be completely sure he wasn't putting up a mask for him. Hiding his true feelings for some macho, Dean Winchester, reason.

"Yeah, believe me I'm as surprised as you… I don't know how to describe I, but I guess, I'm accepting that it's okay? You know?" Dean replied with a puzzled sort of wonder in his voice. He didn't know how else to describe what was going through his mind.

"Yes Dean, I do." Castiel responded with a genuine smile on his lips as he gazed softly at the man next to him. He had been through so much, and yet here he was coming out the other side. It was times like this that he was reminded why he did his job.

At that silence settled once more and Dean would have been happy to leave the conversation there, but he knew there was one more thing he needed to say.

"Thanks. For pretending back there. You didn't have to do that." He said smiling at Cas and gazing into his blue eyes, glad of the surrounding darkness so the doctor couldn't see the wistfulness in his own at the idea of having Cas.

"It seemed the best opinion at the time." Castiel replied with a shrug, suppressing the wish to beg Dean that it no longer be pretend.

"Benny'll no doubt quiz me about you when I see him next." Dean responded turning to look out of the window again. If he didn't he was likely to do something he really shouldn't, like try to kiss the guy next to him or something, ah yes, and there was the down side to sitting in a dark car with Cas.

"What are you going to say?" Castiel asked genuinely intrigued about how Dean was going to explain him to his friends.

"Honestly? Haven't a clue. I don't really want to go into the whole your my doc cos I'm a screw up thing, you know?" Dean responded with a shrug, it wasn't something he had actually thought about, until now that was.

"You are not a screw up Dean. You are a good person." Castiel stated with a firmness that made Dean turn back to him and smile at the grumpy look on the other guys face.

"Yeah well, says you. Look Cas, you think it would be okay if I just let him believe you and I were on a date? I mean I can say that it's not anything or whatever, but I don't really want to tell him how weak I was that I couldn't go into a bar without having a drink without having my doc at my side." Dean rushed to explain. He didn't want Cas thinking he was getting the wrong idea about them.

"Dean, we are friends. That is why I went with you this evening, as your friend, not your doctor. If you wish to let Benny believe we are dating then for now that would be acceptable, but at some point you are going to have to tell him, and your other friends, about your drinking." Castiel replied with a slightly stern voice, as if he was gently reprimanding a small child.

"Yeah I know, but one thing at a time right?" Dean asked with a cheeky grin at his doctor making Castiel roll his eyes in return.

"Right." he mumbled with a shake of his head. Dean would do what he wanted when it came to what he would and would not share with his friends and family, and no one would be able to change that.

"Okay. So you going to give me my keys and get out of my seat?" Dean asked holding out his hand. It was time to end the conversation before he found himself going somewhere he really shouldn't, namely asking Cas out again. That was not on the table.

"Of course Dean. I had a good evening tonight." Castiel replied jumping slightly as he suddenly remembered where he was. He was surprised Dean wasn't more annoyed at him for driving his car. But he soon found himself handing over the keys and opening the door so he could get out.

"Yeah me too." Dean replied as he watched Cas climb out of the car, having a perfect view of his cute ass as he did so, not that Dean was looking of course.

"Goodnight." Castiel said turning to close the door on Dean who had climbed into the driver's seat.

"Night Cas, oh and to answer your earlier question, yes." Dean replied with a smirk as he put the keys in the ignition, though his words stilled Cas' hand.

"Excuse me? Yes what?" Castiel asked puzzled now, trying to think what he had asked that required a yes answer.

"Yes, I think you're hot." With that and a charming smile Dean pulled the door closed and drove his baby out of the parking lot leaving Castiel standing there watching him with his mouth open. Dean thought he was hot. Oh good lord, he needed to sort out his new doctor ASAP. There was no way he would be able to keep up a professional attitude with Dean Winchester for much longer. Especially if he started to smile regularly at him the way he had just done. That smile was far to charming to be legal.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank linusfan13 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reivews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel sat waiting for Dean as the time for their next session came ever closer, but instead of his usual calm persona, he was a fidgeting mess. And this wasn't because every time he closed his eyes he found himself seeing that smile Dean had given him radiating out to him, making his heart beat faster. No, this was mainly because the new doctor he had found for Dean would be coming into their session today to meet him and see if they would get along. Castiel just hoped they would and that Dean wouldn't think he was trying to get rid of him because of what had happened when they went out for dinner the previous week. Oh how did this get so complicated? Well he knew the answer to that, he had the hots for his patient, a fact he was going to have to make sure to hide from his colleague when she came in. If he didn't he would never hear the end of it from her.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and so taking a deep breath Castiel called out "come in."

* * *

Dean had had an interesting week at work to say the least. By the time he arrived for his shift it seemed Benny had told everyone there that he had a boyfriend, and not one of them would believe him when he tried to say that it was just a date and that it meant nothing. It seemed they had decided that the reason he hadn't been out with them for the last month was due to relationship with Cas and while Dean tried to dispute that, no one believed him cos he couldn't give them another reason for his absence. But he just couldn't tell them it was cos he was a recovering alcoholic. I mean then they might ask for more personal stuff that he really wasn't willing to share with anyone, well except Cas who already knew. And so by the end of his shift earlier today he had given in and claimed Cas was his boyfriend. He had hoped that would be the end of it, but oh man, had he ever been wrong on that score. It was at that point that the guys all got together to insist that Dean brought Cas out with them at the end of shift the next day so they could met him, get to know the guy who was so important in his life. And well, as much as Dean tried to say they were busy, they just kept naming days until he finally caved and agreed. And now he was on his way to Cas' office where he was going to have to ask the guy to not just come out to a bar with him and make sure he didn't drink, but also to pretend to be his freakin' boyfriend. How had they got to this point? Where had it got so friggin' complicated?

But it didn't matter, what did was he needed to do this and just hoped it worked out well. So without even looking at the woman in the waiting room he rushed to Cas' door and knocked, opening it and going inside as soon as he heard the come in in Castiel's deep voice.

"Hey Cas, how's it going?" He asked with a false cheer as he settled into his usual chair, he was nervous about what he had to ask the other guy.

"It's fine Dean. I have something I want to talk to you about." Castiel said with a forced smile as he watched Dean sit. He was so focused on his own thoughts he didn't even see the nervousness about Dean.

"Yeah cool, so do I... have something I want to talk to you about." Dean said with a forced chuckle making Castiel tilt his head at him as he finally registered that Dean was not quite right. It was his job to see to this first.

"Really? Then please Dean, talk." He said trying to disguise his relief at being about to put off what he had to say a little longer.

"Why you sound so keen?" Dean asked with a frown at Cas' insistence, though in truth he wasn't sure how to word the request he was going to be making of this man. Damn, he just hoped Cas didn't say no. He had no idea what he would do if he did.

"Well I think this is the first time you have ever said you have something you want to discuss at the beginning of our session." Castiel replied with a genuine smile. It was the truth after all.

"Yeah guess you're right. Okay so here's the thing. You know Benny, the guy I work with, thought that you and I were …. You know…" Dean said trying to find the right word for Benny's misconception.

"Together, a couple?" Castiel supplied simply when it seemed Dean was having trouble saying the words.

"Yeah that. Anyway he told everyone at work." Dean continued with a sigh of relief that Cas said the words for him. He really didn't think he would be able to without thinking about it. And it was never a good idea to think about being with someone when you're sitting across from them and they're watching your every move.

"And how did they take it?" Castiel asked with a serious tone. Had someone said something to Dean to upset him? Said something against his sexuality? If so Castiel knew that that would be a step back in Dean's recovery and he would not be ready to meet the new psychiatrist until they had resolved those issues.

"Fine, except…" Dean tried to say, but he couldn't continue while staring into Cas' earnest eyes. As such he turned to look out of the window, at the view he had seen far too many times.

"Except?" Castiel asked gently hoping to coax the truth from Dean. He was here for him after all.

"They want to meet you. It seems they've got it into their heads that you're my boyfriend and nothing I could say would change their mind on that." Dean said in a rush closing his eyes at the words. How embarrassing could you get right?

"Did you try the truth?" Castiel asked simply when he heard Dean's words. Surely they would have accepted that.

"I said nothing I could say. I'm not willing to tell them that, not now." Dean replied with a resolute look on his face that Castiel knew better than to question.

"So when do they want to meet me?" He asked instead. He was happy to pretend to be Dean's boyfriend, even if strictly speaking he probably shouldn't do it. I mean he was Dean's doctor, and this would be walking a very fine line.

"Tomorrow night at our local?" Dean answered with relief. Seemed Cas was going to do it. Thank you god.

"Very well, I will come and be your boyfriend for the evening Dean, but only if you promise to tell them the truth, that you are an alcoholic, at some point in the near future." Castiel replied putting his ultimatum out there. Dean's friends needed to know the truth and it was nothing to be embarrassed about after all.

"What sort of time scale is near future?" Dean asked narrowing his eyes at Cas. He didn't trust such a general term.

"One in which I am hoping you will be comfortable sharing that secret with them in." Castiel responded with a smirk at Dean making him shake his head.

"Okay. So what you want to talk about then Cas?" He asked changing the subject away from him telling his friends or any of that crap and instead finding out what Cas wanted to share with him.

"As I mentioned in a previous session, it's coming time for you to move to a new doctor, the lady I have in mind is waiting outside to join us so she can met you and hopefully you'll both get along." Castiel replied in an even tone. He hoped that Dean would not take this the wrong way. It was just he couldn't continue doing this, being Deans friend, being attracted to him, and being his doctor. One the three had to give, and there really was only one option for that.

"She's here? When I am going to have to see her?" Dean asked going defensive, he wasn't sure how he liked the idea of seeing another shrink. I mean he had got used to Cas knowing everything there was to know about him. He wasn't sure if he wanted some lady doc to know it all too.

"Soon I think." Castiel replied, and added in his head, the sooner the better.

"Right." Dean responded with a nod determined to not show how much that sentence had hurt him. It seemed Cas wasn't interested in being his doc any more. Maybe it was because of the whole his friends thinking they were dating crap, or was it cos he had told him he thought he was hot? Had Cas found offence in that? I mean that would put anyone off, right?

"We can still meet as friends Dean, if you would like." Castiel rushed to say in a reassuring tone when he saw Dean's walls starting to go up. This was what he didn't want, they had made such progress and he still wanted to be in Dean's life. Just in a different role, a very different role, but that was not up for discussion right now.

"Yeah I would. Okay lets met the woman." Dean responded with a small smile at the idea of still being able to see Cas. Hell he preferred spending time with him outside this office anyway, so yeah, friends could work well. As long as he remembered not to try and kiss the guy or anything like that. But luckily he'll be sober so that is a lot less likely to happen than it would have been before he quit drinking.

"Very well." Castiel replied and with that he stood and went to the door to gesture at the woman in the waiting room to come and join them.

Dean meanwhile had changed from his usual casual position to sitting upright and on guard. He didn't know this woman even if Cas did think she was good, she would never be as good as Cas.

Castiel returned with the woman who was wearing rather bright colours and Dean wondered how he had managed to not see her in the waiting room earlier, but that didn't matter right now. Instead he stood and smiled guardedly as he held out his hand and Castiel did the introductions.

"Dean this is Dr Missouri Mosely, Missouri, Dean Winchester."

"It's a pleasure to meet you ma'am." Dean said in his most gentlemanly tone.

"Don't you go lying to me boy. I know you don't want to stop being able to Castiel here, but I'm sure that you can stare into his baby blues outside of office hours just as easily as you can in them. Now sit." Missouri replied with such force Dean blinked at her and complied with her order as she took Castiel's usual seat leaving the man to lean against his own desk as he watched how the two of them interacted with each other.

"Um, okay." Dean replied wrong footed by her words.

"So your Dr Novak tells me you're an alcoholic, is that correct?" Missouri asked without any pussyfooting around the point. She liked to be direct with her patients, one of the reason Castiel thought that she would be good for Dean.

"Yeah." Dean replied nodding his head.

"And you're gay." Missouri fired next making Dean narrow his eyes at her.

"Yeah, got a problem with that?" He asked in a growl. He was not going to have someone sit there and tell him that it was wrong and he was scum, not now, not ever again.

"Me? Oh of course not boy. You are who you are, just making sure I have the facts straight. Now I believe your brother doesn't know?" she continued in a breezy tone making Dean relax slightly.

"No he doesn't." he said in reply. He still wasn't completely sure what to make of this woman, but she had an air which seemed… nice. Friendly even. He could maybe cope with seeing her instead of Cas, as long as he still got to see Cas outside of office hours at any rate.

Missouri leaned forwards and stared at him for a moment before nodding as she leaned back and spoke.

"Um-hmm, well I can work with that."

"Hu?" Dean asked confused again.

"Missouri's is one of the best psychiatrists out there Dean. You'll be in good hands with her." Castiel interrupted before Missouri could say any more. He didn't trust her not to upset Dean right now just to see how he would react, and he didn't want to have to deal with a pissed of Dean thank you very much. She could do that on her own time, not his.

"Right." Dean replied having no idea what was going on now.

"And you can tell me all about the sexy men you have the hots for." Missouri said waggling her eyes brows at Dean even while she cut her eyes to Castiel with a smirk.

"I don't have the hots for anyone." Dean rushed to reply glaring at the woman. How in the hell had she discovered he found Cas attractive? Not that it mattered, he knew nothing was ever going to happen with the guy. That had become very clear.

"No of course not honey. You're just good friends with all the cute men. I understand." Missouri nodded as she spoke in a condescending tone.

"Missouri, behave or he'll never come and see you." Castiel interrupted once more, though this time with humour lacing his voice. He knew exactly what she was doing, but it wasn't going to work. Dean wasn't interested in him that way.

"I just want to see him happy Castiel, and you to." Missouri replied standing and walking over to him. Though the last she did say in a volume that only Castiel would hear.

"Hu?" Dean asked wondering what it was the two docs were discussing. Were they talking about him?

"Ignore her Dean, Missouri has a rather strange sense of humour. I shouldn't worry about it, she will be a lot more serious in your sessions I'm sure." Castiel replied glaring at the woman who glared right back at him.

"Don't you go question my professionalism Castiel, you have no legs to stand on." She snapped pointing at the man.

"Actually I have two." Castiel responded with a smirk making Dean chuckle. "So are you both happy to give it a try?" he continued with before Missouri could get a comeback out at him.

"I think Dean and I can work very well together. I'll see you next week boy." Missouri said turning to point at Dean now whose eyes widened in alarm as he turned to look at Cas with horror.

"But… aren't we seeing each other next week Cas?" He said trying to hide how much he really wasn't ready for this to be his last session. Or for the night where Cas was pretending to be his boyfriend be the last time they saw each other, despite what the other guy said about being friends.

"Of course Dean. I'm sure Missouri can pencil you in for the week after, and next week can be our last session." Castiel replied with a fond smile at the man and turned to Missouri with a look that clearly said well? Making the woman roll her eyes and nod.

"Right, yeah sure. Okay. Um so I'll see you tomorrow night? Shall I come and pick you up from here at 6?" Dean asked Cas standing as it didn't look like Missouri was going to be leaving any time soon and Dean felt he would much rather not be in the room with two shrinks at once for longer than he had to.

"That would be good Dean. I will see you then." Castiel replied his smile growing at the thought that tomorrow evening he was going to be pretending to be Dean's boyfriend. He was just going to have to remember than it was pretend.

"Yeah see you Cas, Missouri." Dean nodded and made a hasty exit which Castiel found his eyes following until the point where the door was closed behind the man.

"So Castiel when you going to put that boy out of his misery and ask him out, hmm?" Missouri asked in her no-nonsense manner.

"We are just friends Missouri." Castiel replied rolling his eyes as he made his way round to his desk so he could collect the papers Missouri was waiting for.

"Oh please, do you think I'm blind? Neither of you can take your eyes off the other for more than a second, don't going giving me all that we're just friends spiel, I know denial when I hear it." Missouri exclaimed with a hmph, did he really think he could pull the wool over her eyes? Seriously?

"I'm his doctor." Castiel stated as he glared at her to behave.

"For another week and then you're as free as a bird. Think about it, before some other handsome man snaps him up now you've gone to all the trouble of opening his mind to the idea of a relationship." Missouri responded with a knowing smile making Castiel narrow his eyes at her.

"Here is the copy of Dean's notes you asked for. Was there anything else you needed?" He asked with fake politeness which made her know she had hit a nerve. Why was it psychiatrists were the worst at taking advice on their own lives?

"Castiel Novak, you're not so old that I won't give you a quick kick up the backside you hear me? One of these days, you will listen. I just hope it's not too late." With that she took the papers and turned and made her way out of the office leaving Castiel to collapse back in to his chair and stare briefly at the ceiling as he spoke to the empty room.

"You and me both." He muttered before pulling himself together and resolutely putting all thoughts of Dean from his mind. The next evening he was going to have to pretend to be the man's boyfriend, but until then he had other patients and other work to do.


	21. Chapter 21

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank linusfan13 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So as its Christmas I thought I would give you a nice long chapter filled with some mushiness as my present to ya'll to make up for all the pain and angst I've put you through. Also I feel the need to tell you that this story will finish in one or two chapters more.**

 **Hope you like your present (even if it is slightly bitter sweet) and happy Christmas and happy new year to all of you.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own supernatural.**

* * *

Dean arrived promptly at 6 the next evening to pick Cas up, though he was still just wearing his work clothes. It wasn't like it was a real date or anything, so what did it matter right? Arriving at Cas' office he found the man in question just leaving the room and locking the door. When he turned to face him, Dean started to wish he had changed. Cos while Cas was still wearing what he would normally wear to work, it was still a shirt and tie and looked damn smarter than what Dean had on. And sexier he had to admit, the shirt Cas was wearing was one he didn't think he had seen before and it matched the docs eyes to a tee. Wow, that effect was pretty awesome.

"Dean? Shall we go?" Castiel asked when the other man just stood there looking at him with wide eyes. He liked to think there was appreciation in them, but he didn't want to read anything into it. Nor was he going to tell Dean that in his lunch break today he had gone out and brought his new shirt in the hopes of looking his best. Just because he was meeting Dean's friends as his boyfriend of course, it had nothing to do with the fact he wanted to wow his patient. Yeah okay, even he wasn't believing those lies anymore. He knew he had brought this shirt to impress Dean, he just hoped it worked.

"Yeah sure, just... umm maybe… here-" with that Dean moved into Castiel's personal space making his breath hitch as he removed his tie from around his neck and opened the top button of his shirt.

"Yeah that's better." Dean said taking a step back, surprised his hands weren't shaking from the feel of Cas' skin beneath his fingers as he worked his button and removed his tie. Damn he needed to get a hold of himself, though at least tonight any outward show of affection he had for this man could be passed off as an act for his friends. He just had to make sure he remembered to keep it to a minimum until they got to the bar.

"Thank you. I hadn't even though of that." Castiel replied with a genuine smile as he took the tie from Dean's hands and placed it in his coat pocket. It was time for them to leave before he did something highly inappropriate, even if he had started to think of Dean as Missouri's' patient more than his. Strictly speaking he was still on Castiel's books, but not for tonight. Tonight they would have to pretend to be boyfriends, and that would require a certain amount of physical contact and crossing a line that, as Dean doctor, he really shouldn't cross. But it was just one night, and it was pretend, for now. No he must stop thinking like that.

With that both Dean and Castiel made their way out of the office building and into the parking lot where they got into Dean's car so he could drive them to the bar.

* * *

Pulling up outside the bar Dean turned off the engine and hesitated, though whether that was because he was going to go into a bar and not drink, or if he was going to go inside and pretend to be Cas' boyfriend he wasn't completely sure. Both were seriously nerve racking ideas and put the two together and he felt like he could barely breathe.

"Dean are you alright?" Castiel asked when he noticed Dean's movement's still and his breathing start to accelerate. When the man next to him didn't respond Castiel placed his hand on Dean's arm getting him to turn to him.

They then sat there in silence just staring into each other's eyes, Dean finding the physical contact and Cas' understanding gaze more therapeutic than anything else he could think of. Finally he found his heart rate return to normal.

"Yeah, I'm good. Shall we go?" He asked his charming smile once more breaking out on his face making a matching expression appear on Castiel's.

"Yes lets." Castiel replied.

With that they both got out of the car, and once it was locked Dean grabbed Cas' hand and walked with a purpose to the door. It was time to get this show on the road.

* * *

They entered hand-in-hand looking as if this was nothing out of the ordinary. Though that was more because Dean needed the physical contact to keep him sane, and Cas because he was here to do a job. Though it was starting to feel more natural than something he had agreed to do as a favour for Dean.

Suddenly a burly guy waved at them from across the room and they both recognised Benny. As such they made their way over to him.

"Glad you two could make it. Cas this is the rest of the sorry lot that work with Dean. This is Garth, Gordon, Annie and Rufus. Guys this is Cas, Dean's better half." He said in a joyful tone. Castiel was glad he had done the introductions, one look at Dean and he could see that he would not have been able to pull them off.

"Hello all." He said smiling round at the people who spent so much time with Dean. He was intrigued to see this part of the man he knew. For while they had had many sessions, they had never really discussed his work relationships, finding there were much more important things to talk about. Or at least there had been in Castiel's mind, he was sure Dean would dispute that fact.

That was greeted with a round of hellos from those around them and then offers for a drink. He sensibly asked for a soda just as Dean did, which while causing eyebrows to raise, was exactly what they were both given. It seemed while Dean's friends didn't understand why he wasn't drinking they respected him enough to not make a scene out of it. And for that Castiel was glad.

And so the evening progressed and Dean steadily relaxed into his role of boyfriend. Finding that he favoured the position of having his arm around Cas' shoulders, pulling the man close to his side. And Castiel, well he certainly had no problems with this. He placed his own arm around Dean's waist and curled into him, finding he was just the right height for him to lean his head against Dean's neck when listening to the other talking. And Dean, well, in such a position he got to spend his time smelling Cas' hair. It took away the smell of the bar and could make Dean believe, if he closed his eyes, that he wasn't in one of the many places he used to get wasted in, but instead in some meadow somewhere, he was so gonna have to ask the guy what shampoo he used for that scent. It was heavenly.

Benny watched his best friend, he could see that at first Dean was unsure about having Cas with the rest of them, and when the pair of them continued ordering sodas all night he could understand why. Maybe this Cas guy was a tee-totaller, not that Benny had any issues with that. As long as he didn't try to force it on him. But it did seem Dean had given up drinking for the guy which told Benny just how much Cas meant to him. So he tried to be nice to guy, which in all honesty wasn't that hard. He was a genuinely good guy, and extremely easy to talk to. Though the reason for that became clear when he told them he was a shrink, but hey it was just a job right? What did it matter to them what he did? Though he could see some getting funny with it, mainly Gordon, but then he had been the one who was most pissed about Dean stopping going out with them. He and Dean had used to drink a lot after the rest had left. Benny had stayed with them a couple of times, but when Gordon got drunk he wasn't really sure he liked to be round the guy. He had a habit of getting violent which Benny was not cool with. But it seemed Cas was up to the challenge of matching, if not surpassing, wits with Gordon and soon the guy shut up. He could see why Dean liked Cas with those one liners in his repartee. Turning to look at them as Gordon moved to the bar grumbling about getting everyone a drink he caugth the two just looking at each other, almost as if they were having a conversation without words. It was pretty adorable really, but he also got the impression that Dean would like nothing more than to pull his boyfriend into his arms and kiss him as a reward for the way he had disabled Gordon. And well Benny wasn't one for stopping romance, hell he was all for it. So he decided to make sure Dean knew they were all cool with the soppy stuff. As such with a smile on his face he yelled loudly to the couple. "Oh just kiss already will ya?" making all there friend turn to look at Dean and Cas.

* * *

Dean was pulled from staring at Cas in amazement at how he had managed to diffuse every slightly nasty comment Gordon sent there way by Benny's yell and looked up embarrassed about what the guy was trying to do. He couldn't kiss Cas, I mean they guy was here as a favour to him. That would just be wrong.

Castiel on the other hand could think of nothing he would rather do than obey Benny's yell. As such he when saw Deans eyes widen and he knew he was going to pull away from him and make up some sort excuse as to why they wouldn't, he moved so he was standing in front of Dean and placed his hands on either side of his face and pulled him down until their lips met in a Chaste yet endearing kiss. Pulling back and blinking his eyes open he looked into Dean's shocked expression with a smirk.

"Well, I am your boyfriend." He sassed at the man making him blink some more before a smile spend across his face. It was at that point the rest of the world came back to Dean and he could hear the wolf whistles and cheers from his colleagues making his shake his head at them. And even as he went back to the bantering that was a part of his friendship, part of him was still in wonder over that kiss, could still feel the phantom of Cas' lips on his. Feel the tingle that contact enticed. Damn, he really wanted to be able to do that again. But he couldn't, Cas wasn't he real boyfriend. He was here as a favour to him. But for the first time Dean found himself actually wishing to have a relationship with someone. And that someone was Cas. It wasn't just some dream, some fantasy he would never be able to obtain because he was gay, he actually wanted it. And wow was that ever a head rush of thoughts.

And so the evening continued. All having fun, up until the point, later in the evening, Dean was handed the drink someone had ordered for him. He raised the glass to his mouth, but luckily was also taking in a breath through his nose at the time and as such the smell of the alcohol in the glass hit him full force. Without thought and in an instinctive reaction he removed the glass from his lips and slammed in down on the nearest surface to him and pushed it away. He was not going to drink that. Not now and not ever, he was done with that crap. He didn't realise he was shaking until he felt Cas' hand on his chin turning his eyes from the offending glass to the blue eyes of his friend.

"Dean what so wrong?" Castiel asked once he knew Dean was looking at him and nothing else.

"Someone spiked my drink." Dean replied with barely control furry flowing through him. The idea that he almost destroyed his run of sober days just because one of his so called friend thought it would be fun, was unbelievable to him. How could they do this? Why would they do this? Was this because they didn't like him being with Cas? Was that it? A way to split him from his supposed boyfriend cos people like them didn't deserve happiness?

"Dean, what's wrong?" Benny asked noticing the change in atmosphere from their end of the group.

"Who brought that drink?" Dean demanded between clenched teeth. He wasn't having anyone treat him like this. No way.

"I don't know, why?" Benny asked moving so he was beside Dean and Cas ready to intervene if fists started flying, though looking closer, he could see Cas and a firm hold of one of Dean's hands, a hold he didn't think he would be giving up anytime soon, which was a good thing right now.

"Because it contains whiskey." Dean replied glaring at him as if this was all his thought. Benny couldn't see what the problem was, unless he had told Cas he was tee-total as well. And if so, well they really shouldn't start a relationship on a lie in his mind, but what did he know? Though that wouldn't make him act like Dean was a non-drinker, cos that would be the biggest lie out there, and he didn't like to lie.

"And? Sorry but isn't that your drink of choice?" he asked trying to conciliatory.

"Not anymore." Dean responded turning to glare at the offending glass as if it would tell him who had brought it.

"Right… any reason for that?" Benny asked, I mean he, as much as anyone, had wondered about Dean not drinking. If Dean didn't want Cas to know he drank he should have told them at work.

"Because I'm a recovering alcoholic Benny, I though you of all people would be able to work that out." Dean replied through gritted teeth. He hadn't meant to say it. And when he looked round he realised his hissy fit about the drink had caught everyone's attention so they had all heard his confession. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and die, or have a nice black hole to open up in front of him to jump into. He had just told them all his secret, now they would want to probe, find out why he was such a freak that he couldn't hold his liquor, god he was such a friggn' mess.

"Okay. Well let's get you a soda then, unless you want to go somewhere else?" Benny replied after a beat silence at Dean's words. Suddenly a lot of things made sense to him. And looking at Cas he realised that he already knew. Well there was definitely a story there, but he wouldn't ask for it. Dean would tell him when he wanted to and not a moment before. But right now he needed to get that drink away from Dean and get him something he could have.

"No here's fine, just please. Take that away." Dean asked after taking a deep breath to control his temper, no one here had known. No doubt they thought he would like being slipped alcohol while he pretended to drink soda.

"Sure thing bud." Benny replied moving and grabbing the glass as he made his way to the bar. With that everyone turned back to their conversations and resolutely left Dean alone with Cas. It was then he realised he was squeezing the other guys hand tightly enough to no doubt break bones.

"Sorry." Dean mumbled as he released his grip, though he didn't let go. He needed Cas to ground him right now. Needed him at his side.

"You didn't drink it Dean." Castiel stated with a proud sound in his voice making Dean turn to him with a frown.

"But I nearly did." he argued back, he had been so close to putting that drink in his mouth.

"But you didn't, and you have told your friend's about your problem so they will know better from now on." Castiel replied resolutely. To him Dean had just done the hardest thing he would ever have to do. He had a drink in his hand, hell he had had it at his lips, and yet he had turned it away. That alone was a sure sign to Castiel that they had won. Dean was firmly on the road to recovery and nothing would get in his way. He was strong, and now Castiel knew, he could do anything without it causing him to relapse. He was so proud of the man before him. He had changed so much from the one who had walked through his door at the beginning of all of this.

"Oh crap. I have haven't I? Oh hell Cas, what am I gonna do?" Dean said as he realised what he had just said to Benny, what had been heard by everyone. Sure when he said it he knew, but it didn't sink in until Cas had said that. He had just told them what a weakling he was, how could he have been so stupid?

"Would you like to leave?" Castiel asked seeing the realisation of what he had just done dawn on Dean's face. He would not make him stay if he didn't want to. He had done what was needed, he doubted anyone here would treat Dean differently for his confession, but that did not mean Dean believed it. It would be better if he stayed. Allowed them to show how much it didn't matter, but if he was uncomfortable Castiel would not make him stay.

"No. I want to stay. I am who I am, they either like it or they don't." Dean stated taking a deep breath and holding his head up high making sure he met his friend's eyes when he saw them directed his way.

"I'm glad you see that Dean. And if it is any help, I like who you are." Castiel replied with a smile on his face as he watched Dean ready himself for whatever battle was to come. Not that he anticipated one.

"I like who you are too Cas." Dean responded smiling down at the man beside him before moving so they joined the group once more and he could shout to the burly man at the bar chatting up the bar maid.

"Hey Benny, my soda ready yet? A guy could die of thirst waiting for you to get him a drink." He said with the jokey tone he always used with his friend.

"Well then, maybe you should have got your better half to do it instead. I'm sure he would have got served quicker, he has dimples." Benny turned to replied with a smirk on his face, glad to see the Dean he knew and loved back again. He had no idea what Cas had said to him, but it seemed to have done the trick. That guy was definitely good for Dean.

"Yeah I know, but they're my dimples." Dean responded turning Cas so he was in front of him and he could wrap his arms around him and rest his chin on his shoulder in what everyone thought was an adorably romantic gesture. Only Castiel could feel Dean shaking, and only he knew that Dean was using him to hide it from his friends. It was taking a lot more than he was letting on to behave his normal self after what he had just revealed, but he was trying and for that Castiel could not fault him and he would help him in whatever way he wished, including being his shield. He also rather liked the feel of Dean's muscular chest against his back. If only he could have there on a more permanent basis.

With that the rest of the night passed without incident, no one tried to give Dean alcohol again, all there respecting him for what he had said and obviously done. They had always been slightly worried about the amount he drank, but he was Dean, it was the way he was. But now, now they knew the truth they would support him in any way they could. And as he came as part of the package of Dean they treated Castiel with the same respect, assuming they had met in a meeting or something, both recovery from there problem. And both Castiel and Dean felt no need to correct them for that assumption, especially as Castiel didn't really drink anyway. They were both happier letting Dean's friend think that Castiel was also a recovering alcoholic rather than them finding out the truth that he was actually his doctor.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hello my darlings. I would like to thank rainystv, Fellowship-of-the-Hobbit, allfandoms3, NewlyAmazed (Guest), , linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway and IsabellaFaye11 for all the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So this is the second to last chapter (or as I have it planned so far it is) though there will be an epilogue (or two depending how long that becomes) but then it will be at an end. I just want to take this chance to tank all you wonderful, awesome, amazing people who have reviewed, followed and favoured throughout this story. I love waking up in the morning to an inbox full of emails saying people are enjoying what I am writing as much as I enjoy coming up with these crazy ideas. So thank you all very much.**

 **Anyway enough from me, time to get back to Dean and Cas.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Castiel was sat once more, though also for the last time, waiting for Dean to arrive for his final session. He wasn't sure how this was going to go, not after the revelations Dean had made to his friends when they had gone out, not to mention the fact that he had kissed the man. What had he been thinking? That wasn't just crossing the line, that was waving it good bye when he was 100 miles away. How could he have been so stupid? If anyone had seen… if any of his colleagues knew… he would be out on his ear to put it mildly. He needed to keep his head here. But thank god this was their last appointment, in an hour and five minutes Dean would no longer be his patient and he could do the one thing he had wanted to do ever since Missouri had met Dean. Namely ask the man out.

But what would Dean say? Would it seem creepy to him? His doctor hitting on him? His doctor asking him on a date when he knew all his secrets? Because yes, he knew Dean didn't want to stop seeing him, but he felt that once the man had got settled with Missouri he would realise he had no use for his old doctor. Was he just trying to find something that wasn't really there? I mean when he had kissed Dean, he hadn't kissed him back. Of course that could have been because he was so surprised by the action, but was it that or was it because he had no feelings for him? Oh god, Castiel was working himself up over something which had no bearing on anything that was going to happen here today. He had promised Dean they would remain friends, so it would be as friends that he asked Dean out. Yes that would work. They would go out as friends. If anything else happened then great, but if it didn't then he could deal with that. He would not pressure Dean until he was ready, because as much as Castiel would love to bed the green-eyed man, he wanted so much more than a one-night stand. So he would wait until Dean was ready for a relationship before he even thought to… go there.

* * *

Dean sat in his car gripping the steering wheel just as he had done that first session he had with Cas, though this time for very different reasons. Today was his last session with the man who he couldn't get out of his head. This could be the last time he saw the guy, the guy who had kissed him. After all that had happened that evening he hadn't had time to really process that fact until he had got home alone. Cas had kissed him, and man, was it ever awesome, Dean just wished it had lasted longer so he could have got over his surprise and kissed the guy back. But then he guessed Cas had just done it cos his friends had insisted. It was what boyfriends did right? Even pretend ones? He needed to make sure he didn't read anything into it. He needed to go up there, to Cas' office, and behave as if nothing of any importance had happened. Even if ever since that night Dean had had a growing dream, somewhere in his heart, of having more from Cas, and he didn't mean just sex. He wanted… more. And while he might not be able to exactly put into words what the more was, if was definitely, well… more. And for the first time in his life Dean wasn't thinking that he didn't deserve it. No his fears now were, he guessed, more normal. The main one was, why the hell would a guy like Cas ever want a guy like him? He was broken, and there was no way anyone could deny that fact. But Cas, he had started to help Dean fix himself back together, he knew all of Dean, and Dean, well he just wanted to know all of Cas. Both physically and, oh god help him, emotionally. No, come on Dean, get a grip. He had said they would be friends. So Dean would try to arrange a time for them to go out as that. As friends.

Taking a deep breath Dean pulled his hands from the steering wheel and exited the car. It was time to go and see Cas in his office for the last time.

* * *

Castiel was fidgeting in his chair when Dean knocked on the door. He had started to get worried, the man was a few minutes late after all and far too many bad reasons had flittered through his mind, ranging from Dean was too embarrassed to see him to Dean's friends not being so understanding without him around and as such Dean had relapsed, but at least now he was here.

"Come in." He called out after clearing his throat.

"Hey Cas." Dean said with his most charming smile as he slid into his usual chair. It was strange, but knowing this was the last time he was going to be here doing this, it was kinda sad. In a way, there was of course another part of him that was overjoyed that he no longer needed to tell Cas his deepest darkest secrets. Cos the guy already knew the worst of them, but still.

"Dean, how are you?" Castiel asked smiling in return at the man who would soon be just his friend.

"I'm… good, actually." Dean replied after a slight pause as he tried to work out what the correct answer to that was. It was strange, how he had changed since that day he had first sat here. First come to see Cas in the hopes he had some miracle cure to stop him drinking. He no longer felt the need to hide things from the guy across from him and his mind was no longer clouded with the words his dad had beaten into him. Instead he felt… lighter somehow. Oh he knew that the scars would always be there, just as the words and the wish to drink would be, but now he knew he was strong enough to fight all that. It made him feel stronger. And he liked that, he liked that a lot. Damn, Cas had done more for him than he could ever thank the guy for.

"I'm glad. How are your friends after… our evening out?" Castiel asked biting the bullet and going straight to the questions he wanted to ask. This was still a session after all, even if he wished it was over already and he and Dean could start the next phase of their relationship. The phase of being friends, with the possibility of being more.

"Awesome, they all thought you were pretty cool." Dean replied with a smile for the man opposite, which grew when he saw a faint colour come to Cas' cheeks. Damn, did he ever look hot when he blushed.

"I thought they were 'pretty cool' to." Castiel replied accenting the words which he wouldn't have used to describe, well, anything, but they were the ones Dean had used.

"Awesome." Dean chuckled when he saw how uncomfortable Cas was using his terminology. He kinda liked how the guy had tried. They truly were friends weren't they? Strange but true. You really did find the best people in the places you never expected to find them. I mean when he had first come here it hadn't even crossed his mind that he and Cas could be friends, let alone that he was thinking about them being… more.

"So, are you ready to see Missouri next week?" Castiel asked leaning back into a comfortable position. He was so proud of the man across from him, what he had done, and what he had achieved, it was, as Dean would say, awesome.

"Yeah, I mean she seemed okay." Dean replied with a shrug. He was still in two minds about having someone new, though he guessed him and Cas couldn't continue as they were. It didn't seem right to be friends with your shrink after all. But she was still an unknown quantity to him.

"I think you will like her, if you give her a chance Dean." Castiel replied in earnest he really wanted Dean and Missouri to get along. He firmly believed she could help him continue on his path to recovery.

"I'll try." Dean responded with a sigh when he looked at Cas eyes. They seemed to be pleading with him to give her a chance, and damn it, he couldn't say no to that look on the other guys face.

"I can ask nothing more." Castiel replied a smile splitting his face as he turned and his eyes caught Dean's.

They sat there in silence then, just staring at each other as if there was nothing else in the world to either of them. A barrier that had been up seemed to be on its way down, and with those looks they both tried, unconsciously, to tell the other the words they were both too afraid to speak.

Castiel looked away first. He shouldn't be looking at Dean like that, but that one exchange gave him more hope than anything else between them ever could. Maybe Dean was ready? Could he admit he liked him back? Time to take the plunge, it was time for him to take this to the next level.

"I was thinking we should go out and celebrate the end of our sessions." He said in an attempt at a casual tone as he looked back into Dean's eyes hoping the man understood what he was truly asking him, and hoping he felt the same.

"What'd ya have in mind?" Dean replied quickly. He was so freakin' glad that Cas wanted to spend more time with him he would agree to just about anything the guy suggested right then. Anything so he didn't have to lose Cas from his life.

"Well I was wondering if you would like to come with me to see the latest Star Wars movie? I know it has been out for a couple of weeks but I haven't yet gotten round to seeing it." Castiel suggested somewhat shyly. I mean going to the movies with a guy was hardly a night out with a friend, but then as Dean didn't drink, it made sense. Though Castiel would very much like it to be a date. He did not want to rush Dean.

"That sounds awesome Cas, I'd love to." Dean replied with a huge smile. Yeah okay, he may have already seen the movie with Sam, but this time he would be seeing it with Cas. He could watch the guy's reactions at all the amazing parts of it. And a movie, well maybe he could pretend it was a date. Hell he had never had a date, but if he was going to have one, he would like no one more than Cas to be with him on it.

"Good."

With that agreed the rest of Dean's last session passed in the occasional small conversation about inconsequential things and lots of staring into both green and blue eyes.


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank linusfan13, Tie-Dyed Broadway, IsabellaFaye11 and rainystv for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.**

 **So this is the last chapter, just the epilogue to come after this where I will be wrapping everything up, never fear. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Dean and Castiel arrived at the cinema that evening in Dean's car as it seemed silly to take both of their vehicles with them. Once there Castiel insisted on buying the tickets for them both claiming it was his treat, so while he went to the booth to collect them Dean snuck to the food counter, and by the time Castiel had joined back up with Dean it was to find him holding a drink for each of them and the largest bucket of popcorn the cinema did for them to share.

"I hope you like popcorn." Dean said with his cheeky grin, though underneath he was nervous, what if Cas didn't? Or what if he didn't want to share? Had he just made a massive mistake?

"I love popcorn." Castiel replied, his eyes lighting up at what Dean had done. He loved that the other man wanted to share with him. It was so, well romantic was the word that came to Castiel's mind though he quickly pushed it out again, replacing it with intimate, which in all honesty wasn't much better. But that didn't matter now, no now all that mattered was going into the theatre and sitting down to watch Star Wars.

* * *

Dean and Castiel moved inside and found their seats, though there was the usual 'which do you want?' Before they settled with Dean sitting on Castiel's left so he could hold the popcorn for both of them to munch on throughout. As they got comfortable the lights in the theatre dimmed and Dean and Castiel managed to share one more smile before total darkness encased them and they waited for the show to begin.

And so they sat there, watching the trailers, eating the popcorn, with the back of their hands brushing against each other as they worked their way through the bucket. The first time it happened it caused them both to start with surprise, pulling their hands back slightly as a reflex, and then turning to share an embarrassed smile at the touch. The second and third times were also accidental, but instead of pulling their hands back they just turned and stared into the other eyes as they both felt the electricity shoot up there arm at the contact, and a soft smile formed on Castiel lips which was echoed with a relieved one from Dean. It seemed Castiel did not mind them touching then. He wasn't about to run from him screaming, which was always a good thing. As such the fourth and fifth times, it had to be admitted, were a lot more planned. Dean was sitting watching Cas' every move out of the corner of his eye and when he saw the other man's hand move towards the popcorn Dean reached for it as well, grateful for the first time in his life at how the buckets narrowed as you got to the bottom. It meant that he could at least then pretend the touch was accidental, even if it really wasn't.

Castiel on the other hand had also been watching Dean out of the corner of his eye. They were still in the trailers after all, and he had noticed how he always went for popcorn when he himself did. It made him smile and think that maybe he did have a chance, if he was man enough to take it at any rate.

It was at that time in the proceedings the movie started and Castiel found his attention being split between the two things he really wanted to watch. Namely Dean and Star Wars. But as the movie went on and they got closer and closer to the end of the popcorn, Castiel knew if he was going to make any kind of move here, he would have to do it soon. As such the next time he went to grab some popcorn and he felt the back of Dean's hand brush his to took the plunge, and rather than just letting the backs of their hands touch he moved his fingers in-between Dean's so he stroke his fingertips gently.

He stroked them so softly that at first Dean thought he was imagining it. But then he felt Cas' fingers insert themselves more firmly between his, almost as if they were holding hands backwards, and Dean's mind went spinning. His whole attention turned to what was happening with the two hands in the popcorn bucket, it was probably a good thing he had already seen the film, he was paying it no attention now.

He didn't know what to do. The feel of Cas' fingers gently playing with his own was so awesome, it made his heart rate speed up. Cos he had seriously thought there was no way he would ever have a chance with this guy, but Cas' current behaviour was starting to change Dean's opinion on that one. Maybe, for whatever reason, he did have a chance with Cas. As crazy and improbable as that seemed.

Castiel on the other hand was starting to regret his action. Dean had not responded to it, making him wonder if a) Dean wasn't as interested in him as he had hoped, or b) if he was moving too fast and too soon for the other man. Damn it. He just hoped he hadn't screwed everything up, as such he started to pull his fingers away only to suddenly find them trapped by Dean's own. The action made him smile and turn to the man sitting next to him, his feelings for Dean shining in his eyes for all to see.

* * *

Dean had been so caught up in his thoughts he had forgotten to respond to Cas' advances, as such when he felt him pull his hand away he acted without thought, trapping Cas' fingers with his own. Though as soon as he had done it he closed his eyes at how stupid he was being. Surely he could have done something a bit better than that. So opening his eyes he turned to Cas to see how he had taken his actions only to be met by a smile which was filled with… something, in fact, Dean thought it could well be feelings, for him. And so taking a deep breath and returning the smile, letting down his walls as he had never done with anyone other than the man next to him, he allowed the feelings he refused to name, but knew he held for Cas shine out in return.

And Castiel just smiled all the more at him for it. For not only was Dean returning his feelings, showing Castiel he had a chance, but he was also showing his feelings for another man. And that was a progress he had only hoped to achieve with Dean Winchester. He had never been sure he would ever be able to succeed in getting him to do it. He was glad that he had, even more so because they were directed at him.

At Cas' brightened smile Dean pulled their hands from the popcorn and set it on the floor. Once done he moved his hand back so that he and Cas could sit there holding each other's hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And strangely enough, as he turned back to watch the rest of the movie Dean found that that was actually what it was. Being with Cas felt… right, in a way he had never felt before. In a way he had never known he could feel. It was the best feeling he had ever had, and one he thought he could well get addicted to, but he guessed that as long as Cas felt the same then wasn't such a bad thing.

And Castiel, feeling Dean take his hand firmly in his, sighed in happiness as he relaxed back into his seat to watch the rest of Star Wars. This was what he had wanted for so long, and finally it was in his grasp, and he was allowed to feel for the man beside him. Because he was no longer his patient, but his friend, and hopefully, he would soon be so much more.

* * *

At the end of the movie Dean and Cas walked out of the theatre still hand in hand as they made their way to Dean's car. Though once there Dean turned to face the man with him rather than letting his hand go and climbing into the car. They had things they needed to talk about, and he didn't want to do it while driving. He wanted to see Cas' reaction to the words he had decided he wanted to say. If he could say them that was.

"Cas, I like you-" Dean started to say, he wasn't sure how to word his thoughts, without saying the words he didn't think he could vocalise, like boyfriend, or relationship. Hell even dating would be pushing it for Dean right then. Cos yeah, sure, he may be thinking about it, but thinking and saying were two very different things. Something he had learnt over the process of getting sober.

"And I like you too." Castiel replied when he saw Dean frown. He was sure he could work out what was going through he other man's mind, but he would let Dean work through it before jumping in. He was no longer his doctor after all. He had no need to push Dean into saying things, not now.

"Yeah, look, I don't want to just have sex with you and then that's it." Dean stated, though the frown was still on his face. Those were not the words he had wanted to say, but it was the best he had.

"Good. Because that is not what I want either." Castiel responded with definite tone. There was no way he would be able to have just a one night stand with Dean, not now, not ever. He cared for him far too much for that to ever happen. And not just because he doubted his own heart would be able to deal with the feelings that would release, but he would not let Dean have to deal with them either.

"But I don't know if I'm ready for any of that other… stuff." Dean murmured in a hushed tone as he finally got out what he wanted to say. Though with those words he closed his eyes. He knew he had just screwed it all up. I mean why would Cas want to be with someone who couldn't even friggin' commit?

"I understand Dean. I want to be your friend, and I want to be your lover. We have no need for labels if that is what you wish." Castiel replied, gently running his finger down the side of Dean's face making him open his eyes in surprise that he was still there in front of him. Still holding his hand… still looking at him as if he was someone special.

"What did I do to deserve you Cas?" Dean whispered as he lowered his forehead to rest against Castiel's with a sigh of disbelief. He was still here for him. He was there and willing to do this at a speed Dean was happy with. Cas was some kind of freakin' angel for that.

"You didn't need to do anything Dean. You're a good man." Castiel whispered back, love coating his words. Though he knew words alone would not be enough to convince Dean. He was not that kind of man, he needed actions as well.

With that thought Castiel placed his free hand on Dean's cheek and moved his face so that he could place his lips on top of Dean's. And this time, for this kiss, their first true kiss, they had no audience cheering them on. They just had each other and all the time in the world to explore each other's mouths with their tongues. Time to spend getting to know the others likes and dislikes, learning their lips with a gentle intensity, taking time to find out as much as they could in that first real kiss. The first of many. And deep down inside, they both knew that this kiss would be the last first kiss either of them would ever have. That these lips would be the only ones they would feel with their own for the rest of their lives.

And even though Dean couldn't yet think about where his relationship with Cas would go, or what labels they would use to define it or the feelings it produced, he knew in his soul that he would never give him up. That now he had experienced this, there was no way in hell he could ever walk way. And as strange as it may seem, that thought didn't scare him as he was pretty sure it should do. Instead in made him feel good, it made him feel, for the first time in as long as he could remember, that he had finally found his home. The placed he belonged forever more.

And Castiel, well he had Dean, and he was never going to let him go. He would spend the rest of his life helping heal his wounds, and he would wait or however long Dean needed for their future. Even if that wait was forever. He would be at Dean's side every step of the way, showering him with love and support, helping him learn that he did indeed deserve to be loved, giving Dean his heart as he knew the other man would give his, even if he could never say the words. Castiel didn't need them, he could feel it in Dean's touch, and see it in his eyes.

And so Castiel and Dean stood there, in the dimly lit parking lot of the cinema, wrapped in each other's arms exchanging kisses, and in doing so found the start of the rest of the lives.


	24. Epilogue 1

**Hello again my dears. I would like to thank Guest and Tie-Dyed Broadway** **for the lovely reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **I now have a plan for the epilogues, and yes that is plural. There will be three of them. Here is the first, I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

It had been three months since that night at the cinema, four months since Dean had last had a drink, and Dean and Castiel had found the transition from doctor and patient to friends and lovers surprisingly smooth. Dean had still not been able to define their relationship, even if his workmates did call Cas his boyfriend, Dean had said that before it became a reality. But even without the label they were doing fine, spending most of their free time with each other when they weren't with their respective brothers. Dean had even started to keep some of his stuff over at Cas', he had his own draw and everything, not that really meant anything to him, though to Castiel it was definitely a step on the right path to their future happiness. He loved how Dean felt so at home at his place and had decided to try and make it his as well and he welcomed any addition Dean wished to make. Not that he said any of this out loud in case he scared the man away. But he allowed himself to think it and to smile at Dean to show all the words he could not yet say. To show Dean how much he truly loved him.

* * *

Sam was pleased with how Dean's recovery was going, though he had been worried when he had changed to the new doctor, but once he had met Missouri he knew his older brother was in good hands with her. She was the kind of woman who would take no nonsense from Dean, and Sam felt that that was just the sort of person he needed to help him. He had also noticed his brother seemed happier, lighter somehow, and it wasn't just because he wasn't drinking. There was something else going on in Dean's life, he was sure of it. But whenever Sam tried to broach the subject Dean changed the conversation or actually fled from him. It annoyed Sam, but he didn't want to press Dean, not with their relationship still in the early stages of begin re-established. Though when Dean accidently let it slip he had a date Sam got an idea of what it was that had caused Dean's improvement, he had finally got himself a girlfriend. Someone he really liked Sam guessed by his behaviour, he just hoped she didn't hurt his brother. And he really wished Dean would introduce her to him and Jess. I mean they would welcome anyone into the family who had such a positive effect on Dean after all.

All of this he had discussed with Bobby on his weekly calls to the man. He was so glad that his brother and uncle were talking once more, it felt great to not have to feel guilty talking about Dean to the only other person he knew who loved him like he did.

And since the end of Dean's sessions with him, Sam hadn't thought much about Castiel, I mean he had done his job and that was over with now, what more was there to say?

* * *

Bobby on the other hand had thought a lot about the doctor since Dean had stopped being his patient. Mainly because whenever Bobby called Dean he found the boy talking about the things he and Cas had done, and the things Cas had said, and Bobby, not being stupid, could guess just who Dean's new beau was. Not that he would say anything to Sam, that was Dean's job, and it was one he would need to do soon. But before he could get the boy to do that, he had to get him to admit what was going on between him and Cas to him. He was starting to get frustrated how Dean always managed to side step the subject of just what his and Cas' relationship truly was.

* * *

Dean meanwhile, was happily spending his time on the new high of feeling free to fall in love for the first time, not that he called it that. The only cloud on the horizon in his mind was how every time he went to see her, Missouri would try and get him to label things. And he didn't want to do that, and Cas was fine, so what was the problem? Though her words always seemed to make it weigh a little more heavily on him after each session. What it was he and Cas had, in a definitive term.

Apart from that he rather liked Missouri now he knew her better. In some ways she reminded Dean of what his mom had been like, or at least the little he remembered of her. Missouri was kind and caring, but she was also blunt and wasn't backwards in coming forwards with her opinions.

* * *

It was the evening after his latest session and Dean was sitting on the couch in Cas' livingroom pretending to watch TV as Castiel sat in his chair reading one of his many books. But instead of the words being spoken Dean was thinking over Missouri's parting words once more.

 _"_ _You boy, need to man up. Castiel is an angel, but he will want to be in your life, all your life. Its time you admitted what he means to you."_

And as much as he hated to admit it she had a point. But it wasn't like he could go and proclaim from the rooftops that he and Cas were together was it? And after all this time it seemed a bit weird to ask Cas to be his… boyfriend. Man he hated that word. But he did need to do something, he didn't want to give Cas any reason to leave him after all.

He was just trying to work out how to word the conversation to define their relationship with Cas when his cell went. With a sigh of relief he pulled it out and answered it. Anything to put off saying those words.

"Dean. How you been?" Came Bobby's gruff voice down the line making Dean smile hearing it. He loved how his relationship with his uncle had gone from strength to strength since that first call. Man did he ever have so much to thank Cas for.

"We're good. You?" Dean replied using the plural without thought. He guessed Bobby was wise enough to work out who he meant by it.

"Who's we?" Bobby demanded, even if he did know the answer, Dean had just given him the perfect opening.

At that Dean sat up straight. It wasn't the conversation he had been trying to plan, but it could do the same job, without any awkwardness, or at least he hoped so. Therefore taking a deep breath and making sure he stared at Cas he spoke.

"Me and… my boyfriend, Cas."

At the words from Dean's mouth Castiel looked up from his book with the raise of his eyebrow and tilt of his head, looking into Dean's eyes he could see how unsure the man he loved was by saying those words. It seemed Dean really did not realise how much Castiel cared for him, it was rather sweet really. So all Castiel did in response to the unasked question in Dean's eyes was smile lovingly at him and nod before going back to his book and leaving Dean to his conversation with his uncle.

And Dean seeing the smile and nod let out a sigh of relief. Seemed Cas was happy to be his boyfriend then. That was good. Hmm, maybe he didn't hate that word so much when it was associated with the guy he was fast coming to the realisation he couldn't live without.

"About time." Was Bobby's gruff response having no idea of what was taking place silently down the other end of the line. He was just happy Dean had finally said the words to him.

"Yeah." Dean replied a smile spreading across his face as he mentally said the words again, 'my boyfriend Cas'.

"So you told Sam about this yet?" Bobby asked going straight for the jugular. He didn't do pussyfooting around after all.

"No." Dean grumbled in reply. He did not want to think about talking to his brother with respect to this, like ever.

"Ya idjit. When ya gonna?" Bobby demanded. He had had enough of Dean's shying away from this. Sam needed to know the whole truth about Dean, and it needed to come from him and not some other source.

"I don't know." Dean replied through gritted teeth, though in truth he knew he would like to answer never.

"Ya mean ya not. Listen Dean that boy of yours is gonna want to be part of this family, and I'm betting you want him to be to. So you need to tell your brother." Bobby responded with a determined tone. He loved Dean but he was being stupid about this now.

"It's not that simple." Dean argued in reply.

"Sure it is. Dean tell me, if he had something as big as this in his life and he didn't tell you, how would you feel?" Bobby asked taking a different route to try and get through to him.

And Dean, well at the words the memory of when he found out about Sam and Jess' engagement floated unbidden to his mind and he closed his eyes as he suddenly saw Bobby's argument. I mean Sam might not approve of what Dean was doing, but he would definitely not approve of him not telling him.

"I'd be pissed, figuratively and literally." He finally replied with a sigh the memory still in the forefront of his mind.

"Ya what?" Bobby asked confused. What Dean was talking about now?

"Nothing." Dean replied shaking the memory from his mind and opening his eyes as he brought himself back to the conversation he was currently having.

"At least say you'll think about telling him." Bobby conceded. If it was all he was going to get, at least it would be a start.

"Fine, I'll think about it." Dean replied with a sigh. And he knew he really would now, that argument was one he really couldn't dispute, however much he might want to.

"Good, cos next month I'm coming for a visit and I want all the family there when I do, including your Castiel, got me?" Bobby said with sudden inspiration. He had no such plans until this conversation, but if he gave Dean the deadline then the boy would have to do something about it. Plus he hadn't seen his boys in a long time, it would be good for them all to meet up.

And Dean did get him. He just wasn't sure if he could do what the man wanted.

See while Bobby's words had reminded him of how hurt he felt when he had found out about Sam's engagement from someone else, and made he start to wonder how Sam would feel if he found out Dean was in a relationship from another source. Dean still wasn't sure he could say the words to the little brother who had always looked up to him. But then again, if Sam found out from someone else, how would Dean try to persuade him that he wasn't the scum of the earth cos he liked men? But on the flip side, how would he feel when his brother wanted nothing more to do with him? If his brother wanted nothing more to do with him. Maybe his dad's beliefs didn't run in the family? Maybe some of Bobby's acceptance was in his brother? But they only way he was going to find out was to talk to Sam. And he still wasn't completely sure he was up to that. But it seemed time was running out, and he needed to act, soon.


	25. Epilogue 2

**Hello my dears. I would like to thank , linusfan13 and IsabellaFaye11 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who followed and favoured since my last update.**

 **So here it is, the conversation between Sam and Dean. I hope you like it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

* * *

Sam was a bit confused when his brother had called and asked him to meet him for lunch at some bakery he had never heard of, but Dean had sounded… off. There was something on his brother's mind and while Sam had no clue what it was, he would be there for Dean however he needed him. So of course he had agreed to the meeting and now he was sorting out his desk so he could leave for his lunch break. It was time go and see what was up with Dean.

* * *

Dean was waiting for Sammy to meet him in the back corner of Gabriel's bakery. He was glad he had thought to have this conversation here, and while his first instinct when he had decided to do this was to have it in a bar, hell, just the idea of having this conversation had made him want to reach of the bottle, he decided that probably wasn't the best of plans. I mean, surrounding himself by alcohol while he was nervous and stressed was not the greatest idea he had ever had, even if he would prefer if Sam was drunk before he spoke the words he was going to have to say. Sammy was always a nice drunk.

But that didn't matter, he had come to his senses and decided to come here. At least this way, at Gabriel's place, it meant that if things didn't go so well and Sam stormed out there would be someone there who could make sure he didn't go out and get completely wasted. Even if Gabriel did have to knock him out to do it, he knew the other guy would without hesitation, and for that he was eternally grateful. It was strange he guessed, to be grateful that your boyfriend's brother was willing to hit you unconscious, but then that was the joy of being an addict, a joy that out of those closest to him only Gabriel could truly, completely, understand.

But it wasn't Gabriel he was here to talk to today, mores the pity. With that thought Dean heard the bell above the door go and looked up to see his brother walk in and look around with frown marring his forehead. No doubt Sammy was confused by this meeting, but it had to be done, so…

With that Dean raised his hand in a half wave to get his brothers attention, and Sam seeing him, made his way to his brother with some haste. Completely ignoring all those around them, especially the blond guy whose eyes seemed to follow his every move.

"Hey Dean. Good to see you." Sam said once he reached his brother, trying to make it sound relaxed and friendly and not let his worry enter. He was mostly successful, and had it been anyone other than Dean he was talking to, he would have succeeded. But his brother knew him well.

"Yeah, you too." Dean replied with a gentle smile at his brother, hoping to relax him and make him comfortable before he brought the world down on his head. Oh god, could he really do this? Could he really tell Sammy what he needed to? Was he completely insane even thinking about doing this?

Suddenly before Dean could find himself coming up with some excuse and fleeing the place two plates of sandwiches, coffee and pie were placed in front of himself and Sam. Looking up he found himself staring into the knowing eyes of Gabriel which clearly told him to get over it and man up. It was time for Sam to know the truth.

"I didn't order this." Sam said with a frown as he looked down at the plate and then up at the server who seemed to be glaring at Dean for some strange reason. What was going on here?

"No, but I did. Thanks Gabriel." Dean replied turning to smile at his brother, though Sam could see that now it was tinged with nerves.

"No problem Dean-o, give me a shout if you need **anything**." Gabriel replied staring at him once more before turning back to the counter, though he did make sure to stand in a place where he could keep an eye on Cassie's other half and his brother. He wanted to make sure he didn't need to intervene again. Cos Dean-o needed to do this.

Sam on the other hand was highly puzzled by the subtle emphasis the waiter had put on the word anything. He couldn't wait a moment longer, as such as soon as Gabriel was gone he turned to Dean with wide eyes and spoke in a controlled voice.

"Why did you ask me here Dean?"

"Well, with Bobby coming over in a couple of weeks, there's someone I want him to meet." Dean replied after a beat of silence where he made sure to take a deep breath to try and steady his nerves. Though he didn't meet Sam's eyes as he spoke. He knew there was no way he could sit there and watch the horror and disgust appear in them as he told him his secret.

"Oh yeah? Who?" Sam asked trying to keep his voice light. It seemed his brother was about to tell him about this girl he had met, about bloody time in Sam's mind. I mean he and Jess were dying to meet her.

"My… partner." Dean replied chickening out, at the last second, from saying the word boyfriend. Damn it. He was such and freakin' coward, he needed to do this. For Cas, cos he couldn't let the guy live his life in the shadows of Dean's own. He deserved so much more, and he didn't want him to leave him cos he couldn't man up and tell his brother he was friggin' gay.

"Your girlfriend you mean?" Sam asked with a puzzled smile at Dean's choice of words. I mean, partner? Really? Who called their girl their partner?

"No... He's… not a girl." Dean finally whispered closing his eyes and hanging his head as if waiting for his execution to start.

"Oh." Was all Sam could think to say to that sentence, though he had soooo many questions. I mean was this the first time Dean had liked a guy? Who was he? What did he do? Where had they met? But Sam wasn't sure how to vocalize any of them, especially when his brother was sitting across from him looking very much like he was bracing himself for pain. What the hell?

* * *

Dean sat in the silence waiting for Sam's verdict. But when nothing came he slowly opened his eyes to look at his brother to see him opening and closing his mouth. Of course, it was a shock, maybe he hadn't understood exactly what Dean was saying. And so Dean took another deep breath and squared his shoulders, he had no need to be ashamed of who he was, and spoke once more, though this time with a hint of defiance in his tone.

"I'm gay, Sammy."

At that sentence Sam shut his mouth and thought. Suddenly so many things started to make sense about his brother, why he had never been interested in the women he had tried to set him up with, how his eyes had always strayed to corners in bars that Sam could never comprehend as they were filled with men. Why he had never truly had a girlfriend in high school, and how it was very easy it was to substitute he instead of she in all of Dean's tales of conquest. It was if someone had switched a light bulb on in his mind. Because of course Dean was gay, and now he saw it, Sam wondered how he could ever have been so blind, how had he not seen it before?

"Yeah you are. That makes so much more sense." He finally muttered shaking his head at his own stupidity at missing such an obvious thing. Was he really so self-absorbed that he had missed such a fundamental part of his brother?

"That's it?" Dean asked when Sam said no more just sat there, looking at nothing as he let the memories run through his mind. Looking at how this knowledge changed them in some subtle way, but it changed nothing of importance in his relationship with Dean, he was still his brother and he still loved him, he always would.

"What did you want me to say? As long as you're happy Dean, I'm happy. Though I'm pretty pissed you want Bobby to meet this guy yet I don't get to." Sam replied pulling himself out of his mind and turning to look at his brother who seemed to have gone slightly pale though he couldn't work out why. Yeah okay he guessed telling him he was gay was a big deal. But surely Dean knew it wouldn't change anything, right?

"Well in truth, you already have." Dean responded pulling himself together and plastering his charming smile on his face. He could freak out over Sam's reaction, or lack thereof, later. Right now he just wanted to bask in the joy of having told Sam and his brother still being there. Still sitting across from him. His only complaint being that Bobby got to meet Cas and he didn't. Dean couldn't work out how to react to that. I mean, not even in his wildest dreams had he thought his brother would be this understanding, and… no later. Think about all that later. He could work it all out when he retold this story to Cas this evening.

"Wait, what?! Who? Oh god not that Benny guy is it?... Or the …. Waiter?" Sam asked his eyes widening as he quickly flashed them to where Gabriel was standing so obviously not working but watching them. Oh god, was he Dean's boyfriend? Really?

"No Sam, it ain't Benny, or Gabriel, though he is his brother. I'm with Cas." Dean said not being able to repress the smile at finally being about to say those words to Sam. At being able to say Cas' name to his brother in that context, it was awesome.

"Cas? Castiel? As in your doctor?" Sam asked choking on thin air at the idea that Dean was dating his doctor. Because he was pretty sure there were laws against that, and being as he was a lawyer, he would know.

"Former, but yeah." Dean replied with a shrug. Cos while he and Cas had had no issues with the transition, he could see what the big deal was. I mean Cas knew things about no one else did, and knew how to get through every defence he had, but it wasn't like he behaved like a shrink when it was just the two of them. And well, Dean was kinda glad his boyfriend knew him so well. It meant that sometimes he didn't need to say a word for Cas to know what he needed, and Dean liked that.

"Is that even legal?" Sam asked continuing on with his fixation with Dean dating his doctor. I mean it was just weird.

"We started going out after we finished being doctor and patient, so yeah it is." Dean replied with a sigh. He should have realised that this would be Sammy's issue.

"But… I mean, he was your doctor." Sam responded still finding it really hard to work out how Dean and Cas had gone from doctor and patient to boyfriends without any awkwardness.

"I know Sammy. Get over it will you. I really like him." Dean replied with a roll of his eyes. And while yes, he had said it in a jokey manner, Sam could read his brother to, and he could see that Dean meant those words with every fibre of his being. He really did like Castiel.

"You do?" Sam asked just to make sure he wasn't seeing things that weren't there. Because he had never actually heard Dean ever admit to liking anyone.

"Yeah." Dean replied his smile softening as thoughts of Cas came into his mind.

"Okay, if you're sure." Sam responded. I mean there wasn't much else he could say about it was there. Dean was happy, and that was all he had ever wanted for his brother. And yeah, okay, he might think it a little strange, who was he to judge who made his brother happy?

"I am. We're in a really good place together and everything."

At that Sam watched his brother smile in a way he didn't think he had ever seen him do before as he thought about his boyfriend, and he couldn't fault what Cas was doing for his brother. Well as long as he didn't go breaking his heart that was.

As such the two of them finished their lunch with Dean finally being able to talk without censure to his brother and found himself telling Sam all about Cas, about how they got together, and what he said and what they did, and as he talked more and more Sam realised that his brother didn't just like this guy, he was in love with him. Cas was Dean's Jess, and Sam was glad his brother had finally found his one.

* * *

Once they had finished their food Sam and Dean both got up and went outside to go back to their respective jobs. Dean offered Sam a lift, but he refused. He had his own car there after all. So with a wave he watched his brother walk away and turned to think about all he had just discovered. And as he walked down the sidewalk he realised he knew where he was. Castiel's office was just round the corner. As such, without any real thought Sam turned his feet in that direction. Because while yes he was glad Dean was happy and in love, he still wasn't sure of the other person in that equation's feelings. And he would not let Castiel Novak hurt his brother, not now, not ever.

* * *

Castiel was behind his desk going over paperwork and checking the time every few minutes when his door was flung open to reveal Sam Winchester with determined eyes glaring at him. Castiel was sure that that look was supposed to intimidate him, but he refused to show any reaction, mainly because if he did it would be to pin Sam against the wall and to demand to know what he had done to his brother, the man Castiel loved, and for all he knew Dean was fine. I mean yes he had known that Dean was going to tell Sam this lunch time. And yes, he had asked Gabriel to call him if anything went wrong. He hadn't received that call, so he had assumed that it had gone as well as it could. But seeing Sam standing in front of him made every protective bone in Castiel body go on high alert. He would not let Sam hurt Dean, not now, not ever.

Sam on the other hand took note of Castiel's lack of reaction and realised that this was not the kind of guy who would be intimidated by him. I mean he asked sensitive questions to people on edge on a daily basis, Sam might just have to rethink his strategy. As such he breathed out a sigh and turned a closed the door in a more normal manner.

"Sam, what can I do for you?" Castiel asked gesturing for the other man to sit not that Sam did. In fact he just moved so he could stand in front of Castiel's desk with his arms crossed and stare down at the man Dean loved.

"You're in a relationship with my brother." He stated. Though when he didn't continue Castiel guessed Sam wanted a response to that.

"I am." He agreed in an amiable tone. If he kept this as calm as possible then hopefully he could get Sam to tell him what his issue was to his and Dean's relationship.

"You're his boyfriend." Sam stated again hoping that would give rise to any sort of reaction in Castiel. He was trying to get a read on the guy, and it was seriously hard, but then he guessed for someone who spent his days getting a read on others it would be.

"Yes." Castiel replied with a nod of his head and a soft smile at Sam. it seemed that he had no issue with Dean being gay then, it was more that he was dating Castiel that upset Sam, and that Castiel could work with. He could show his love's brother that he was a good person for Dean. Make him see that he would never hurt him.

"Do you see a future with him?" Sam asked with a frown at the smile. because if Sam was reading this right, that said that Castiel really did like Dean, which would be good and all, but Sam still need a definitive proof of that fact.

"I do. What is it you truly want to know Sam?" Castiel asked tilting his head as he looked up at the man with his probing look that made all his patients feel like he was seeing into their soul and would know if they lied to him. It was one of the reasons he was so good at his job.

"Do you love Dean?" Sam asked uncrossing his arms and talking in a normal voice. It was the only question that he needed to be answered.

"With all my heart." Castiel replied without hesitation. There was nothing to hesitate about after all. He did love Dean more than anything, and he would do anything for him.

And Sam, looking at Castiel realised he was saying nothing more than the truth. Good. Dean deserved someone who would treat him like the amazing guy he was.

"Then welcome to the Winchester family." He said holding out his hand for Castiel shake, and once the slightly bemused doctor had done so, Sam smiled his cheery smile at him before turning and leaving the room. Leaving Castiel sitting staring at the door in surprise.

With a shake of his head and a huff of a chuckle Castiel turned back to his paperwork, though a smirk did appear on his face at the idea of how Dean was going to respond to his retelling of this conversation. He hoped Dean would find it entertaining how Sam had come to his office to protect him, and he also hoped it showed Dean how much Sam accepted him for exactly who he was. The man they both loved.


	26. Epilogue 3

**Hello my darlings. So here we are, at the last chapter. I would like to thank Tie-Dyed Broadway, IsabellaFaye11 and linusfan13 for all the wonderful reviews for the previous epilogue and I would like to thank those of you who have reviewed throughout the whole of this story. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured it, I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I did with the writing. Thank you all for sticking by me with this, and I hope you like the ending.**

 **Enjoy the last chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

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It took Dean a couple of days to get his head around how accepting his brother was. And when he heard Cas' tale of Sam's visit to him he wasn't sure whether to be pissed at his brother for being so overly protective, or to savour the amazing feeling of having someone who was that protective, even though he was dating a man. His mind was on some strange loop and he kept expecting the other shoe to drop. For all the good things in his life to suddenly turn round and bite him in the ass. He wasn't used to being this, well, happy. He wasn't sure he would ever get used to it.

In fact that feeling, that he was waiting for the inevitable 'bad thing' to happen, continued until two days before Bobby was supposed to arrive. It was that evening that Cas had arranged a meal for him, Dean, Sam and Jess so they could all meet and get to know each other before Bobby arrived. Dean had been half excited about finally being able to be himself round his brother and Jess, as well as being able to have Cas with him as his boyfriend, and half terrified that this was when his world was all going to come crashing down on top of him. I mean what would he do if it turned out that Sam and Jess didn't get on with Cas? What would happen then?

But much to Dean's surprise, that didn't happen. In fact Jess and Cas got on right away, laughing and talking like old friends, and the evening was a complete success. He didn't get it. When was all the happiness going to show itself for the fake it really was? When was he going to end up losing all that he had started to care for?

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That evening, as he lay in Cas' arms nothing but theses thoughts and questions were going round his head making him frown.

"What is it Dean?" Castiel asked gently as he looked down at his boyfriend and saw the worry in his eyes. He didn't like seeing that look on the face of the man he loved.

"Nothing." Dean replied forcing a smile out of his lips. He didn't want to burden Cas with his stupid neurotic thoughts.

"Really?" Castiel asked after trying really hard to not say anything. He didn't want to be all doctor-y on Dean, but he also couldn't bare to see the man upset, and turning Dean's eyes to his he could see upset was a bit of an understatement to how Dean was feeling right then. Castiel just wanted to help Dean, in any way he could.

"I'm waiting for this good stuff to crash down around me." Dean finally replied with a sigh tearing his stare from Cas'. He could never keep anything from that look, damn his boyfriend with his understanding blue eyes.

"Why would it? You've been through the bad Dean, Now its time for you to enjoy the good." Castiel responded, involuntarily wrapping his arms around Dean tighter in the hopes that he could show the man that he was never going to let him go again. That he would never let anything evil happen to him again.

"But what if it doesn't last?" Dean whispered into Cas' chest as he squeezed his eyes tight against the thoughts that one day Cas would be gone. That theses arms would no longer be there to hold him. Dean didn't know if he could facer that day when it inevitably arrived.

"No matter what happens Dean Winchester, I will always be at your side." Castiel growled down in response to Dean's question. He would not let Dean think he would ever leave him, there was no chance of that ever happening.

"I need you Cas." Dean whispered into Castiel's shoulder as he snuggled closer to the man who held him, maybe in the hopes of making the one person instead of two. It was the closest Dean could get to saying he loved Cas. But that didn't make it any less the truth.

"I need you too Dean." Castiel whispered back into Dean's hair as he kissed the top of his head. He knew that in truth what they had just said to each other was that they loved the other, and if Dean could never say the word, Castiel was fine with that. He didn't need to hear it to know it was the truth.

And Dean, well he relaxed into Cas' arms then and closed his eyes, with a smile at the idea that Cas felt the same for him as he felt for Cas on his lips. There was no need to panic about what might happen in the future he guessed. He needed to just enjoy the here and now, where he had Cas at his side, supporting him, and helping him stand tall in the world. Showing him he was worth more than he had ever believed. All he could do to put off that bleak empty future was make sure that every day he gave Cas another reason to stay.

And give reasons he did, not that Castiel needed them. Sometimes they were little things, like when Bobby arrived and Sam had a BBQ Dean insisted on invited Gabriel as well, because he was family now too. Or the fact that Dean got up every morning and made Cas a packet lunch for work. He would have made him breakfast, but he knew that Gabriel had that one covered, and he didn't want to step on the guys toes.

They were just little things that showed Castiel how much he loved him. And Castiel, well, he found it adorable that the man he loved was so caring, and as such, he tired to return the favour, though his way was more along the lines of making sure Dean was happy whenever they were together, doing everything he could to help ease his mind at all times. Castiel loved Dean so much, he never wanted to see a cloud shadowing his face as he had that first time they met. No he never wanted to see that look again.

And so that was how Dean and Castiel spent the rest of there lives together. Happy and in love, and showing the other these truths in whatever way they could, whenever they could.

It was a perfect happy ending to a relationship with such a turbulent beginning.

THE END.

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 **So that's it. I just want to thank you again for all the reviews, favourites and follows. You are all awesome, and I hope you enjoyed this story.**

 **Till next time, ta-ta.**


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